Advice please... Do I need to toughen up?

[Itsallabout]

I live overseas with my Dh and 6 year old DD. We have lived here a little under 2 years and love it.

My Dm and SD were supposed to be coming for a 6 week holiday in July but they decided not to as Sd thought the flight was too long and would prefer to send the money on lots of smaller holidays for them-selves. He likes to drink and is somewhat contolling but in a way that isn't obvious to Dm.

Our lives were recently turned upside down when I was diagnosed with a incurable cancer. I have already had 3 months of chemo which has been tough. We have managed but it has been terribly difficult not having any family around to help.

My DM was due to be coming to help at the of the month as I will be having a stem cell transplant as part of my treatment and will be very very unwell and in hospital for at least a month. I get a phone call from Dm, she is obvious distressed and upset. She said she doesn't know what to do and feels torn and she cannot cope. Basically Sd has declared that he has a drinking problem and now is the right time to get the help he needs but he also needs Dm by his side to help him through it.

I told Dm to do what she feels best and that if she felt she needed to stay home then that I understood. She appeared very relieved and said I knew you would understand, Thank you.

So she isn't coming and has cancelled on us. I feel utterly devastated and crap. Part of me feels that Dm really had no choice but to stay and support her husband and part of me feels that once again her children and Grandchildren have come second to his need to be the centre of attention with Dm. ( there is a long history of attention seeking, insecurities and accusations from him)

I have since found out from Dsis that they have been to see a doctor about his alcoholism and he has stated that he doesn't want to give up drinking completely, He wants to still drink most nights but in a more controlled and social way. ( he has drunk every single day for the past 29 years he has been married to Dm)

I don't know what to think. Did he really just have a sudden desire to change and it was bad timing? Was it his way of keeping Mum there? Why didn't Mum say " No my daughter is seriously ill and needs me more than you do"?

Should I just say nothing and leave it alone? (Mum will not ever have a word said against him)

I have been so upset over this and I am very hurt. I did say that I was very disappointed but that is all I have said to Mum. She is also quite upset and feels like she has been pulled in two directions. She said she will still come but at the beginning of next year.

Can I have your thoughts and advice on this please? Thank you

This is heartbreaking itsall. It seems that your DM may have lost touch with what's right, and her normal feelings for her daughter. I think tiredof is spot on as to the reason, so let us hope your DM wakes up soon and realises how distorted her outlook has become.

When family let us down it hurts more than anything, I think.

Your healing and health are paramount. I hope you can draw support and love wherever it appears. We'll offer a virtual hand to hold too, if it would help ....so do talk to us if you want to talk ......

Itsall- I'm so sorry your DM isn't being supportive. My first reaction to your first post was that someone needs to give her a good talking too. Sod it, give me her phone number and I'll do it .

More seriously, it is possible that your mother is in some sort of denial. I had a close friend who had cancer at a young age and she found other peoples reactions one of the hardest aspects to deal with. Some of the people she would have expected to be there weren't. But others unexpectedly were.

Good luck with your treatment and I'll be sending you good vibes from across the Tasmin. We have a nice NZ thread going in living overseas if you'd like to be our token aussie.

I really sympathise with you. My father also suffers from a similar sort of cancer which in his case affects the red blood cells - as you say he is an older male so prime demographic. I'm so sorry your mother is not putting you first at this difficult time.

My MIL is also the kind of woman who always put her partner ahead of her children and grandchildren. We also live abroad and my parents visit as often as possible. My DHs mother has been once and has in fact never seen her youngest grandchild. She prefers to prioritise weeks away with her boyfriend to seeing the only one of her children who remains in contact with her and her two baby grandaughters.

When she did come to visit the primary purpose was to introduce her (alcoholic, shambling mess if a) boyfriend to my DH. She virtually ignored her new granddaughter offered not one iota of assistance and spent the entire time drinking and smoking on the upstairs balcony with her bf like a 15 year old.

The reason she is only in touch with one out of her 3 kids is because she has always put the man in her life before her own children. The man he was married to for 35 years (my DHs step dad) used to regularly beat the children (and her) black and blue but she never left and always chose him over protecting her own kids.

Obviously that is an extreme case but I think there are many many more women than you'd imagine who put their husbands feelings and wishes ahead of the best interests of their children - particularly when it's a second marriage and a step father relationship.

I think it's truly sad and I hope to god I never ever find myself putting anything before the needs of my own daughters.

I am very sad and angry for you and I really hope your DM comes to a realization of what she is doing before she irreparably damages your relationship with her.

Today has brought me some news that has given me the strength and conviction to deal with my Mum.

I am going to call her later to speak directly and tell her how much she has hurt me. I have not slept for weeks because I am thinking about the situation. I was losing my focus and my strength to deal with what is most important, I let it consume me. I need to confront this head on and the only way I know how to do this is to let my Mum know that her decision to stay in the UK has almost crushed me.

The news that brought this change? After being told that I was no longer responding to treatment the way the doctors would like. Results of Tuesdays bone marrow biopsy show my abnormal cells have reduced from 23% to 1%. Im almost in remission. I can bloody well do this... I will reach a long and complete remission. I will.. I will ...I will.
Thank you every-one xx

Hallo itsall,
Good for you. I completely sympathise with you. Of course you are absolutely normal to feel like this.

Your SD is an alcoholic, your DM sounds very obviously co-dependent. In other words he is the centre of her world, even though he is selfish, manipulative and abusive. Of course I don't know where it stems from, but it sounds like this behaviour is very hard wired in her.

It really has nothing to do with how much she loves you, in fact she obviously feels tremendous guilt, but evidently she doesn't feel she can run the risk of estranging her husband however ridiculous and cruel that might seem.

So, you are absolutely in the right, and justified to try and bring her some clarity, and to try and show her how important this is and you are. But whatever happens, please don't feel it's about how you handled it- it's all about her massive insecurities and codependency- she's as sick as he is.
I feel close to your history as although I have not been in your situation, I have a dad who is domineering, selfish and egotistical, a mum who won't do anything without his permission- and hence my kids rarely see their granny as she spends her life pandering to him. I try hard not to expect what she seems to be incapable of giving, but I still find it painful and feel its my fault!

I am glad you have a sis who understands- keep strong, and look after yourself. I am thinking of you and wishing you well.

Sorry, also meant to say what great news!!!

O honey ... WOW WOW WOW ... I'm over the moon for you... what a result!!! See what a few magic sparkles can do!!

You ARE going into remission, Itsall, and we are going to keep you there!!!

We may be a desperate disparate group of the devout, the pagan, the non-believers, and those who fence sit hedge their bets, but we've got some mighty powerful gods and goddesses we can invoke with the appropriate prayer or delectable libation and we are at your service any time you feel the need for a virtual pick-me-up, more lead in your pencil, or just to have a bloody good whinge

If you take anything from this, sweetie, let it be the knowledge that when it comes to your health you should ALWAYS do whatever it takes to enable you to focus on YOURSELF and if that means being ruthless with relatives/friends/others, so be it.

Jeez, it's nearly 2am for me and I was about to head off for some zzzzzs but, after 'hearing' your news, I wanna go dancing!!! I'm not going to be able to sleep now so I'll wait for dawn, saddle up my horse and let him gallop... what WONDERFUL WONDERFUL WONDERFUL news - you haven't just made my day - you've made my week and I don't think I'll need a plane to fly back to the UK

All blessings to you, Its all, and long may they rain down on you

Congratulations on the treatment going so well. What a relief.

I have nothing to add about your mother, although I kind of see from what you say how she is a victim to your SD, which I feel prevents her from acting with care and love to you. She knows she needs to give her care and love to you, but it sounds like she's walking on eggshells to keep that drama queen happy.
I'm sorry she isn't coming to see you. If you were my daughter wild horses wouldn't stop me coming to be with you.

Enjoy your new status

That's wonderful news that you're in remission. :)

I think you're doing the right thing telling your mum how you feel. And I'm glad your sister did the same. Good luck.

I've lurked on this thread, feeling for your situation, exacerbated as it is by the distance ( I'm in au, too).

Wonderful news about your biopsy.

Good that you want to front your mum on this. I've no wish to offend when I say that she may turn your good news into a justification for not coming to see you in the first place - see, not so bad after all - kind of thing.

Good luck with it all. The sparkly thingoids plainly did their thang.:o

so pleased to hear your good news this morning. May you continue in strength and remission!! x

Too many things there.

Brilliant news!

Almost Itsall Wonderful news

I'm glad you're going to talk with DM and I wish you the best of luck in expressing yourself. You can do it, just like you can get to that remission. Just don't let her tell you that she knew you'd be fine and you didn't need her after all. Concentrate on making things how you need them to be for you. You are amazing and, decorated with a few of Izzy's sparkles, I'm sure you'll shine.

So pleased to read about your good news I feel awful for the situation with your mum.

My mum isn't as close by as I'd like either but I can't imagine how I'd feel if I thought she wouldn't be prepared to hop on a plane if I needed her that's just so sad.

I'm only starting to find things out about alcoholism myself due to personal circumstances but from what I've read so far I understand an alcoholic can get very clever about manipulating a situation and over time become totally selfish once the dependency takes hold enough to be the most important thing in their life. It does sound as if your mum is being manipulated very well - not that you shouldn't feel angry about it but when it has got to the point where you are questioning her love for you it might help her to hear that so its good you've decided to be really honest about it to her x

It's- that's brilliant news. So happy for you and your family. Have a virtual to celebrate.

Fantastic news :) :) I'm so happy for you and for your family xxx

Thank you all for your best wishes. We have been smiling over the news all week. I had a huge high dose of chemo to start the stem cell collection process so have been a little wiped out.

I eventually spoke my Mum over the week-end. I didn't share my good news with her as to not let it become another escape or excuse to use.

I thought I would be highly emotional but I remained calm and composed. I asked her if I could talk first whilst she only listened. I managed to get across just how upset, angry, disappointed,hurt I felt. I told her that both my Dsis and myself felt as if we competed for her affections and time because of Sd. That he had changed her so much and that the life she led now wasn't 'normal'. That he controlled her but she couldn't see it or didn't want to acknowledge it. That I loved her and needed her and wanted her to be here with us.

Mum cried and cried. She didn't get angry as I predicted. She said I was correct with everything I said. She said it was her fault that Sd make the sudden declaration of being an alcoholic. She had told him that she was coming to stay with us for 2 months and if within that time if he hadnt 'sorted himself out with the drinking' she would not be returning home to him. Unfortunately her ultimatum backfired and Sd knew how to manipulate the situation to his benefit.

Mum said for the past 30 years she has felt pulled in many directions emotionally and as if there was not enough of her to go around. Sd is a jealous and needy man. She did say that in hindsight maybe she made a mistake in agreeing to marrying a man who she had known only 5 weeks and whom her children had yet to meet...they married after 4 months and 2 family meetings ( he has 2 children too but is estraged from them both).

I sit and I wonder what the heck she sees in him? I do know she will never leave him.

I feel better for talking about it. I don't know if it has achieved anything really. It has allowed me to voice how I feel and that was important to me.

Thank you all for your support, understanding, kind words, encouragement and oddles of magic sparkles. Thank you.

Well done Itsallabout. You must have handled it very well to say all you needed and she did well to listen. It sounds as if she's been aware of the situation in her own marriage and the effects on you and your DSis for a good while. It can't be easy for you to know this and she hasn't behaved well to allow herself to continue to be manipulated by this man. She tried to stand up to him but wasn't expecting his response. Perhaps she'll think more on the conversation you've had with her and it might give her the strength she needs to carry out her original course of action.

Perhaps I'm being wildly optimistic but given your current excitement about your health progress I'd love it to be true for you. In the mean time I hope you're feeling not quite so knocked about soon and that your smile is still plastered all over your face

Thanks Homebird

I do feel we kind of cleared the air and hopefully we can continue to talk openly and honestly.

We could offer her a get out clause if she wanted in that we can apply for a carers visa for her to come and look after me. It is valid for several years and because my illness is incurable we are eligible. That is of course something to consider in the future if she indicates she may want to leave her marriage.

I'm still smiling! tired but happy. The next 3 months are not my own... the shedule of treatment is heavy and rather scary.

I'm so glad I have been allowed to express myself on here. Thank you.

I've just been directed here from JandJ's thread and I've read your roller coaster of a journey right through.
I've had a rare breast cancer in the past (op and chemo) and - fingers crossed - am doing well. I had a poor prognosis but have lived to tell the tale and hopefully should be around for many years.
So really I'm just sending love and strength and guardian angels to watch over in what I know is a rough time.
I think you have broken new ground with your mum and this could be a turning point.
You're in my thoughts x