'Hysterical Bonding'

[pausingforbreath]

First post on MN since joining after being a long time lurker.

As the title implies;

How long? After total admittance of an affair and the decision to end the affair and 'repair' the marriage would 'hysterical bonding' be 'normal'?
When would hysterical bonding end and your sex life begin again?
How would you tell what whas what?
Looking forward to some insight please.

I don't think there is a normal. For some it might be a weekend, others might go on hysterically bonding for months or even years. For me, it was a few weeks of being elated and relieved that we were back together. But I vividly remember the day the euphoria wore off. It was like I was seeing him with new eyes and I thought 'oh dear, I'm wasting my time on a complete git'

"How long" is sort of the wrong question.

"Why am I doing this?" would be a better one, for both of you. The answers to that kind of answer the question.

If it's only to show your husband you're better in bed than the other woman, or because you think that lots of sex will stop your husband wanting it with someone else, or if you're trying to blot out images of him with someone else by making your own - then not very long.

If it's a bit of those things above (I'm being realistic here) but it's mainly because you're enjoying the sex yourself, it's helping you to heal/him to realise what he nearly lost, is safe for your health because you've both been checked out, has made you both realise that sex is important to your relationship - then it can last a long while and while the frequency might change at times, the quality of it remains this good and those other reasons above completely disappear.

Cogito ; that's quite scary to hear.....
FSG; That's really quite helpful,thanks. If I was to be honest with myself - for me I think it's the 2nd paragraph. I know down to interpretation; but rings truer.
I'm not in a competition to be a sex goddess with anyone - just enjpying things. Checking out has been done.
thanks

Who had the affair. You or him?

him/her/whatever.... I'm assuming you're female.

I'm female - it was him.
He fessed up, I had no suspicions - I had decided I didn't like him much; the way he had been, had been talking to my friends about divorcing him etc.

When he told me, I built myself up and told him to sort his own shit out.
I got ready to be left, and was putting in place 'stuff' to become single.

Sex, not great before if I'm honest, had got stale after 25 yrs.

No sex for well over a month following him telling me.

STI checks later - when resumed, mindblowing. That was about 4 1/2 months ago. And it remains so.
We are together still as we have chosen to be and working on it - the door is open to both of us to leave if we want to, we both have our reasons to do just that. But we have both decided to stay and work.....

Does your husband realise he was just as much responsible for your sex life getting stale?

If so, this all sounds promising and you sound as though you're making decisions that are good for you as a person and not just for the sake of your relationship or your husband. If this is the relationship you want and the sex life you want, then good for you.

For me it probably lasted a couple of weeks, I was angry and just wanted to feel good again. We had sex about 3 hours after I found out but I burst into tears as soon as we finished, was one of the lowest things I have ever done.

After the fog cleared I found sex much harder and emotional, before I was happy to have 'fun' sex but now I always want him to prove he loves me and I only ever really want very 'loving' sex. Its been two months and that is the side I'm finding hardest to get right in my mind.

Has you DH showed you he is sorry or is he just enjoying the revitalised sex?

My DP thought everything had just gone back to normal and wasn't making the effort in the rest of our lives because we seemed to have reconnected so well sexually. That has all changed now.

This isn't the question but, I'd say what you have in your favour here is that you sound convincing in saying that you were getting ready to leave and that you are working on it but both have the option to leave. In most posts on MN, the woman is working hard...but the man knows that he's got her just where he wants her...i.e. willing to do anything to keep the marriage together and inadvertently therefore, allowing him to continue the infidelity/bad behaviour etc.
Maybe you two have both realised you were both onto a good thing that you don't want to (but would be prepared to) leave and that's re-sparked a good sex life.
For me hysterical bonding lasted for a few months...well on and off...then I realised the guy's a tosser and kicked him out...phew!

FSG- He does yes, we both realise that in all aspects of our relationship we had let it become stale. Becoming parents more so than partners.
Although he has been told and accepts that it still does not give him a reason or excuse for his betrayal - his fuck up alone, which he appears to be making all efforts to 'render' . We have had many painful , honest, conversations - stripping everything bare ; about 'us' each other and his affair.
I hope now we both have a clear honest view of what we are working towards . For now the relationship is more honest than how it has been for a long time - all the resentments and niggles are in the open, being worked on rather than being internalised and growing.
He is putting major efforts into making me feel special again , but we are both putting efforts into us also. We both asked ourselves 'do I want to be with the other ' following his admittance. I want to be with him , but was prepared to split if it meant I would have to live with further disrespect from him, in that case I would prefer to be with kids on my own, out of respect for MYSELF.
He, wants to be with me - he was given many chances to be with 'her' I think I was at the point of turning down the covers for them. He knows I do not want a man who thinks he has 'settled' for staying out of history and obligation. I needed him to give me 100 percent - if he felt he couldn't he needed to go.
He is giving me 100 percent. But then so am I for him , if we want 'us' in the future it has to come from both sides.

Kitten - it is all aspects he's making an effort. The sex is part of it not all of it.

Loving - it wasn't all about him, what he wanted . His affair made me question what I wanted too. Was I prepared to remain with him after it ?
It was my future too, I am not looking to 'hold on to him ' if it means I will be miserable .
If we are together , it's because we WANT that , we want each other. If he wants someone else more than me - he needs to go to her.
I do not want to be with anyone who feels more for someone else than me. That's not a future for me. I need to be happy .

pausingforbreath you sound like your being ratinal (sorry about bad spelling) about it and its a really good sign that he is making the effort in everything.

How are you feeling? The shock of my DP cheating (along time ago, I only found out two months ago) pulled me out of a low point I was going through to be honest, it made me reases what I wanted from the relationship and gave me strangth back that I had lost. I still feel horrible about what he did but actually I have a stronger relationship now.