How to tell the children

[tummytickler]

Dh left a fortnight ago. It was expected, I suppose, although I had hoped he might change his mind.
The children don't know he has left yet, as he works at a hospital doing crazy shifts, so is often not here anyway.
I really want to tell the dc, although he says not yet as he wants us both to be ok with things and for it to come across as a positive thing
I am willing to wait a little bit longer, as I am going away next weekend to stay with my best friend and I don't want to say anything before then because it might seem as though I am the one doing the leaving.
I feel a lot stronger 2 weeks on than I did, and think I can talk about it with the dc reasonably, and so want to do it in 2 weeks time.
Any advice though? I am dreading it, and really cannot guess how they will take it.
I feel I really need to tell the dc, I need to move on, and having to pretend to loads of people everything is fine is really hard, and telling the dc is the first big step towards this.

He probably does have someone and my guess is he left because of that.
Also possibly even living with her...
And that's why he doesn't want to tell the children just yet.

In any case, I'd be the one to tell him to stop coming anywhere near me. Personal space and boundaries.

You could be me four weeks ago tummy DH left but didn't want to tell the children, he wanted to come back to the house and tell the DCs that he was sleeping on the sofa because mummy didn't like his snoring and the weekends he was here we would tell them we were one big happy family and nothing would change for them. Of course mummy would still be stuck at home without a social life because Daddy wanted to keep up the pretence of a happy family. It has transpired that DH has been having an affair, so he gets to be all single happy boyfriend when he's not here and then be the big family man when he is here.

He was also refusing to tell the DCs. When he came to visit for the weekend I made him tell the DCs with me there. Then he took them out for the afternoon and then I went out for a couple of hours in the evening while they watched Dr Who and stuff. The DCs haven't taken it so badly, but then he was hardly here anyhow. DC2(7) doesn't really understand at all. DC1(10) has begged me a few times to "change my mind" when I got to the bottom of that one, it transpires that on their afternoon out DH told them that it was me who wanted the divorce and he just said yes. When the truth of the matter was he sprung it on me out of the blue and never had the courage to tell me he was having an affair.

DH won't be staying here on the sofa, next time he visits the DCs I've told him to take them with him overnight to his B&B. As the parent for most of the time I think we need at least one child free night a week where we can go out and have a drink and let our hair down.

Good luck, I can tell you as someone going through a similar situation it does get easier by the week, and think of how fit you'll get with all that walking you're doing.

And I agree with knitpicker, start dealing with the practicalities asap.

Number - it is the weekend of the 29th, but I am leaving midweek so we would only have a couple of days before I go, it is my birthday tomorrow, and I don't want to tell them on my birthday

Hi nitpicker. I just wanted to say I hope you have a lovely birthday and a great time with your best mate.

Try and forget about all this while you're away as much as possible, I'm sure your friend will give you some good advice anyway but more importantly have fun together and enjoy your child-free time.

I think he left you for another woman. But he doesn't want you or the children to know that and wants to manipulate the message for his own selfish reasons.

If you find out that this is true, then it is fine to tell the children that their Dad has left you for someone else.

As it's also fine how things stand for you to make it clear to the children that it is your husband who wants to end the marriage and leave the family home. This much you know to be true. Don't lie to your children that this is your decision too, because it's not.

But don't let him come to your house to see them. It's messing you up seeing him right now and it will mess them up once they know you've split up.

I wouldn't put it past him to tell the children while you're away and tell them a pack of lies, so if I were you I'd probably postpone that weekend and tell them whatever the truth turns out to be.

God I really hope it doesn't turn out that he had somebody on the go already :(
It is not really his style to do that, he is a very honest chap, but then I suppose nobody gets married to somebody they think will cheat on them.

Numberlock thanks! I will do my very best to have a great time, you can be assured of that

He's not an honest chap, sorry. If he were he would have talked to you about how to tell the children that you were splitting up before he went, and they would have been told by now. He is deceiving them, forcing you to deceive them too, and most likely decieving you as well. Definitely not honest.

I've never known a parent walk out of a marriage and move miles away without there being someone else. I think he's drip-feeding about seeing other people because he intends to drop a bombshell that he met someone else very quickly.
I've known that to happen and it's always turned out that the person was having an affair for a long time before he left.

Hope your birthday wasn't too sad. I think you've got to cop yourself on here though and realise you're being lied to. Which means you're being forced to lie to your children too. It wouldn't surprise me if your marriage went down the pan and couldn't be saved because he was having an affair. Whereas if you were just having a bad patch, he would have stayed and tried to work through it with you, just like you were prepared to do. No good father incidentally is prepared to see his children so infrequently, or decides to move so far away. You wouldn't have done that would you?