'D'H saying he will change locks while I'm at uni

[ImaFrayedKnot]

Can anyone tell me if he is legally able to do this?

House is in his name, was his asset pre-marriage. We have a DS, pre-schooler, I am a SAHM. Am being sponsored to do the course as a 'return-to-work' type thing.

Background : we have been having troubles, he can be a bully & borderline EA, I spent a long time trying to please & then accepted I never would, I am standing up for myself more and we are in relationship counselling which has seen a massive improvement in his behaviour, hence my surprise when he came out with this.

It was said partly as a joke I think but when I told him he wouldn't be allowed to, he repeated a couple of times that he could, I was living here because he allowed it & that he would show me the legal justification tonight.

I would really like to be able to show him the legal justification for why he can't, and tell him I am here by right and that he can cop on or move out!

Does anyone know if I'm right or he is?

To be frank, if he's saying that he'll change the locks whilst you're out, the question about whether he legally can or can't would not be first in my mind. Why are you staying with him if that's his mindset? Presumably he's unhappy about you going to uni and that's why he's changing the locks? Or something else? Whatever it is - I wouldn't be hanging around.

I would try posting this in legal section if you want a quick accurate answer.
I would have thought he could do it if it is his house,but I'm only guessing really.

If I were you I would fill in Form HR1 from the land registry to protect your "home rights" under the Family Law Act.

Then I would tell him to stop being an arse.

I doubt it, if you are married and have a child, and if you are not permanently moving out.

I suppose you are partly staying in order to do the course. In that case, I would raise the issue at marriage guidance, where is controlling behaviour will be immediately exposed.

Also, do note that he is fearful of the consequences of you going to college ie meeting new people, becoming more independent, and being able to get a job etc.

Of course, that shouldnt stop you; it is critical that you go ahead, especially given his behaviour. Please do go. It just helps t note it is the behaviour of a little boy having a tantrum, not a grown man.

It stopped being 'his house' when he married you. It became a 'marital asset' and you'd find you have a fairly equal stake in it because you've been married for several years & have given up your job to raise the child of that marriage. This is the precise advantage of being married. Were you just a partner, he'd be able to kick you out at will and you'd have very little response. He is not 'allowing you' to live there, it is just as much your property as his.

Barring a spouse from a home can legally only be done using a court order but it happens all the time, often for good reasons. If you are worried about this and if he is an unreasonable person in general then I'd suggest you talk to a solicitor and explain your specific circumstances. What he's taking advantage of at the moment is your lack of information and that's just another form of bullying... 'I am superior to you' 'you are ignorant', 'you are only here under suffrance' etc.

BTW bullies love relationship counselling. They promise the earth, shape up for a while but then their true colours come shining through... as you've found. Don't be fooled. He hasn't changed.

Joint relationship counselling is never recommended when there is ongoing abuse within the relationship. Your H is likely fooling the counsellor into thinking that he has changed. Such men never change as you have found.

Seek proper legal advice asap re your situation.

Good, glad Cogito said what I was thinking. So long as you're married, you're a part owner and he can't legally do it. If he tries it, you can go to the police and they will make him give you a key to the new locks if he's foolish enough to change them while you're out (my sister was one of those who did change the locks when her cheating DH left her, and he did exactly this, but there was no violence involved).

I was advised by my solicitor that if you have a joint mortgage you cannot change the locks. If the mortgage is in his name only, then he may be able to legally change the locks.

call the counsellor and tell him or her exactly what he is threatening. at least bring it up at next sesioin.

you are married. you have rights.

ok he could change the locks if he wants to kick you out of the house and marriage but obviously you would have rights to the property as a marital asset so if he does this you go to solicitor pronto and make a claim on the property.

Thank you all.

SoupDragon, that's exactly what I needed. You're a star.

Cogito Thank you for the words of warning. I also really really hope you're wrong! I am far more 'awake' to him now though and I will be watching for signs of relapses and jumping on them hard.

Thanks to all who replied, I understand the advice to leave but can't without deserting someone more vulnerable than myself. I can't be more specific without outing myself massively & DH knows I use MN.

I'll definitely be talking to DH & the counsellor about this though. She is aware of his behaviour towards me but also understands why I have to stay.

I think the Home Rights thingy means he can't sell it without your permission as you have a claim on the property. I am not a legal person at all but I was advised to fill one in when XH fucked off to shag someone else.

I followed the link and jumped to a section describing the purposes of the Family Law Act, and one of the things stated that it was to protect the right of occupation of the non-owning spouse.

That's good enough for me, I think - I agree with the posters above who say that he is relying on my ignorance to attempt to bully me. I suspect he doesn't have any specific legal case law to prove that he can, he's relying on me being intimidated and he's going to have an unpleasant surprise on that score!

Whether or not relationship counselling will be effective for us as a couple, the individual sessions we've done have been very effective for me

Do book a half-hour with a solicitor soon. Many offer a free initial consultation and I think it's the old thing of 'forewarned is forearmed', 'knowledge is power', and best done when you're thinking clearly rather than after the shit hits the fan and emotions are running high. He almost certainly did not make the locking out remark as a joke.... and, if he did, he has learned nothing from your counselling sessions.

ImAFrayedKnot

Keep going with the individual counselling, I would no longer have any joint counselling with your H. Such men can and do manipulate counsellors and make their issues all out to be the other person's fault.

This is all about power and control; that is what abuse is all about.

No-one benefits from being in an abusive relationship.

I can understand you don't want to go into detail about why you don't feel you can leave.

But can I suggest talking to Women's Aid about your situation, if you haven't already? There may still be things you can do about it which you weren't aware of or hadn't thought of. I hate to think you would feel you have to stay in an abusive relationship on someone else's behalf, especially if there may actually be ways to change things.

Just because your H is vulnerable in some way doesn't mean you have to sacrifice your life to putting up with his shit. If his abuse escalates to physical, you might have a case for having him forcibly removed from the house and forbidden to return, no matter whose name it's in (the court would treat it as the children's home and prioritize their right to stay in it with their main carer ie you.). THis might be even more of a good option if the 'vulnerable' person you mention is someone other than your H or your DC who lives in the house.

Is that really true SGB? I am in a similar situation, seeing a solicitor in 2 weeks, but worried after reading what SkyeBlue said, that if, despite being married and having DC, if the mortgage is in DHs name then he could lock me out with no problem.

You should fill in the form I linked to earlier then. It was one of the first things my solicitor told me to do but I"d already done it.

Do you mean me SD? Am I being thick? possible this early in the morning without enough coffee I can't see a link. Sorry if you meant the OP.

:) I meant you. I think the OP has already seen it... my first post down near the start of the thread. If your name is not on the deeds of the house, you can get a charge added asserting your "home rights". I am not entirely sure exactly what this means but I was told to do it by... well probably someone on MN I imagine... and by my solicitor.

Ah just found it, thankyou.

If you are married then you have some rights to the family home, whether or not your name is on the deeds, but if you have an arsehole abusive H, consult a solicitor sooner rather than later so you know the full facts about your position (abusive men frequently threaten to throw you penniless into the street/take the DC etc and they cannot do this if you are married.)