How do you heal your broken heart?

[queencat]

That's it really! Been over 2 years since I was ceremoniously dumped for a younger specimen. In left with the children and no life and he lives life of Reilly.

I cant get over this and I don't know how; I've tried dating, counselling even hypnosis. Nothing works!

I suffer horribly with depression and just can't get out of this rut.

Thanks for your worthy advice!

Consultations! You have not kept hold of someone who doesn't love you which can be a far bigger rut to be stuck in. Next step is to stop being jealous of what others appear to have and concentrate on making your own life what you want it to be. It's easier to change what you don't like in your life when you are independent. Be master of your own destiny and don't measure yourself against how other's happiness 'appears' to be.

No advice but I am in a similar situation. Been nearly 3.5 years since me and exp split, I have dd with dp and he has just got married. But can't get over it. It dominates my thoughts every day and I too am depressed, but of course can't tell dp what is really going on in my head. If you discover the secret, please share it with me...

Mummy.... That's exactly how I feel! Oh god it just drives me nuts.

I really really just can't bear feeling so 'left behind'

I'm the only single person I know!

He might be seemingly living it up, but having lived a rather carefree and somewhat debauched life until recently myself, I know that even when having fun u still feel the hollowness of it all, and it comes nowhere near to how it feels to have people around who u truly love and being part of a unit.

I'm about to become a single mum, and I know how hard it will be, but I look at my ex carrying on with his life with his new girlfriend and I wouldn't swap places for all the tea in China, because I know the love of my child beats everything else hands down x

Hi...been there, done that. I used to look at advice on here thinking, but I will NEVER get over this, they don't understand.

two years later I am out the other side, but not before dropping to rock bottom, wanting to sleep all day, calling samaritans, no joy in life....all that...its horrible and I'm sorry you are going through it.

But here's what worked for me eventually. Forget about dating, forget about men totally for a bit. Work on yourself...forget about what others want you to do...what makes YOU happy. I was always trying to do what I thought I should. Screw other people...it's your life.

And it's a cliche but keep yourself madly busy...time to think is disastrous. I ate lots and just felt worse about myself. Then decided to get fit, look after myself...I started feeling proud that I was doing this. And really proud when I realised a man was not going to make me happy. You really do have to be happy on your own first. Try and watch funny movies with your kids, be silly with them.

Get out in the fresh air, sing loud to good music...sing loud in the car...exercise and jump around....don't be a victim because that's what I was and what's the point. You sound like you are angry (not surprising) but remember that anger only hurts you. Be unexpectedly nice to people and smile at strangers...it sometimes transformed my day. And one day at a time, live in the moment, don't worry about the future.

Sorry so many cliches, but they work. Forget him...arsehole...spend time with your favourite friends and family. You will get there. Good luck!

I am nearly a year down the line since my Ex left me for someone else. I can honestly say my life is better now. I can do what I want when I want. I am bizarrely enough financially a bit better off as I am not paying for him as well.

I have a much closer bond with my DS than if Ex had stayed. My legs can stay hairy. I don't have to watch his crap tele programmes. I can see my friends when I want.

I have no interest in being in a relationship now as I have realised I don't want one yet. Not being in a relationship means I can make plans as I see fit. Buy what I want. Spend ages on the phone if I want without worrying about anyone else. Bliss.

I do not know many single mums but have just joined a single parent group and have already made plans for weekend activities with them.

yes I am bitter about the fact I have no support from him and he goes on 5* all inclusive holidays, weekends away but he isn't going to be really happy as deep down in his conscious he knows he was a fucking arsehole.

get out and find people with similar interests and find a single parent group where you can whine but have fun. Enjoy being single.

Wow!Fizzfiend: " Work on yourself...forget about what others want you to do...what makes YOU happy. I was always trying to do what I thought I should. Screw other people...it's your life."
This is going on my wall.
Just what I needed to hear, just what I need to do. Thanks.

OP, I suppose we have to make the decision to actually stop accepting the victim role. It's just a shit part with no side benefits, isn't it?
You've been through enough already, why let him have the power to make YOU depressed?
Do you feel like this all the time or is this particularly bad at the moment for x reasons?
Listen to Fizzfiend, look after yourself, appreciate all the things you are doing right.

My STBXH walked out at the end of February, messed me around for a while, then walked out for good on Easter Monday. There was no prior discussion, it all came as a complete shock to me.

I have had to deal with shock, grief, divorce, everything within the space of 6 months.

The one thing that nobody can help me with is how to stop loving him. Even though I know he is a complete bastard, I cant just switch my feelings off. Im on anti depressants and counselling thanks to him.

People keep saying "Don't look back, you're not going that way".......

Congratulations! (Spellcheck blip lol). Agree with Fizzfiend, now is not the time to fill the hole with someone else - bad choices can be made at times like this anyway. The way to happiness is to work on yourself and keep busy - anything fun or productive to stop you dwelling on things. A sport activity or gym training can be great for building self-esteem (followed by much deserved pampering sessions). See friends and family -try hard to engage in conversations that are not linked to your ex at first, eventually you will need to mention it less to people. Thinking over it repeatedly re-enforces the negative feelings, and prolongs the agony.

What a wonderfully inspirational thread. My ex left last year - a shock and he was brutal about it. My daughter wants nothing to do with him and now, after falling out with my mother-in-law, her grandmother has stopped calling her, as she doens't want to speak to me. It has been horrible and yes, I understand all those circular thoughts. Like a lot of you ladies, there are days when thoughts - anger, revenge, grief, even love - dominate my thoughts.

How did I get over it? Well I have cancer, which complicates things a lot (and makes me more angry - what a horrible thing to do to someone sick etc) but I have concentrated on my daughter but also, joined things when my energy level is up to it. I even fostered a crazy dog for a while - she made us laugh and made us concentrate on something other than our woes. One of the groups I joined has pulled up some really wonderful friends - some of whom I am meeting today.

I am a writer by profession - so I have really concentrated on that, as well as trying to get work from home. Not much money, but some at least. In the last few weeks I won a major comp, which gave me a holiday and some work. My daughter was so proud and suddenly, despite his very glamourous job (he is currently working with Tom Cruise) I do really have the better end of the deal - my beautiful daughter who is fiery, feisty and loves me to bits.

So please concentrate on you. The best revenge is to live well.

Are you having help with your depression? I have been there too - as my medicine (Interferon) does cause depression. Sadly sometimes you have to ride with it - but you are the better person, please don't forget that.

None of us here are cowards - as our men are. We are strong.

I send hugs, understanding. Keep talking. So many women are in the same situation. It makes those men as common as muck - but what we do in a crisis - well that makes us exceptional. Never forget that!

I do feel like it most days. It's an empty type ache they sits in my stomach for most of the time.

Sometimes it's dulled a little but it's always there.

I don't actively love him anymore I just find it hard to come to terms with the way my life has turned out. I'm struggling with the children my daughter is being diagnosed with special needs as well.

Everyone thinks I 'should be ok now' so I don't like to talk to people about it. I just feel like they are getting bored with me bring sad all the time.

Punk you are amazing! I'm so sorry you are going through all this.

Thanks Queencat. No one has the right to tell you when you should be OK. My ex told me that I should 'move on and be happy' and I told him only I can take that decision. Value your achievements, your role as a mother. You my dear are amazing. He is the loser. Truly.

But get as much support as you can - from all directions.

Yes, I could wear the t-shirt 'empty ache' - maybe we will start a band with that name. But onwards, upwards and all that jazz. Bad days will come. Tears and anger will come. It is a grieving process but more complicated because the person is still alive (unfortunately - oops, my fingers slipped - how mean of me).

You hit rock bottom and then you claw your way back up. Surround yourself with people who care, force yourself to have fun and fill your life up with positive experiences to countercat the negative thoughts, read self help books, come on MN, take time to papmer yourself and make yourself feel good, do loads of cool stuff with your kids but have adult times for yourself, have a good cry when you need to and be easy on yourself. Delete any emails, fb etc anything you have of him, get rid of any letters/reminder or give them to someone else to keep until you are strong enough to see them again without feeling sad and have some mad fun nights out with your friends xx

I know what you mean about it being like grieving for someone who is still alive. And worse thing is they have chosen to build the life you dreamed of having with them with someone else. So it is hard even looking back on the happy times as you wonder if it was all just a farce.

I have moved on and have a dc with my new partner and I still struggle with these feelings. But now I can't even talk about it. It's like I have to pretend this big important chunk of my life never happened. Sometimes I think maybe I wasn't ready to start something with someone else. But how long should I have waited? If I am still feeling like this nearly 4 years on, I couldn't have stayed on my own for ever!

I do love dp and I feel so guilty that I feel this way.