Ex causing problem

[BigGsus]

Hi

I know I'm brand new to this, so sorry for jumping straight in.

Basically I have to deal with my controlling bullying ex (father of my 3 year old daughter) he keeps taking me to court over anything and everything and seems to get away with breaching the court order whenever he wants. It put strain on my last relationship, so much that we split up after a year.

He's at it again and we're in court next week (he's just breached the C.O again) My current partner (of 10 months) is trying his best to cope, but I've asked for space to deal with it all. (I feel like I'm having a nervous breakdown) has anyone got any advise so I can keep my relationship going, as my current man is perfect for me, its just the stress of dealing with the ex

Thank you :-)

You poor thing. I've been through a similar experience with my ex and it's about control. I would recommend you contact women's aid and go on the freedom course, it helped me so much. Ive been through years of court hell and now have been practically given no choice but to go to family group therapy. My ex only used contact to abuse me, I know how awful it all is for you xx

Aw thank you. It's horrible to see other people are going/gone through this too. Wouldn't wish it on anyone. I'll have a look into what you've said. X

If you've asked for space, that's surely gonna push him away? Would he not want to support you at this crucial time?

I agree with Longdistance, asking for space would seem the wrong thing to do. If your partner loves you he will want to support you and this basically sends the message that you don't value his support - "I can handle this better without you"

This is what you need to do (easier said than done, I know):

Insist on contact being done only through email or text so that you have a written record of everything. Keep a record of every time he has behaved abusively, controlling, etc.

Refuse to discuss anything other than issues regarding your daughter that requires his input due to parental responsibility - remember that this does NOT mean giving him control over the day-to-day smooth running of your lives, which the law accepts you have the right to control yourself. His input in law is limited to bigger matters, such as choice of education, religion, etc.

Stick to the court order to the letter and cease to worry about it. Make your child available when you have to and refuse to engage with him otherwise. If he wants to take you to court, as long as you have made your DD available when the order says you have to, he doesn't have a leg to stand on.

If he persists, consider getting legal advice as you can take steps to stop someone taking you to court repeatedly for no reason other than causing you harassment. You may get better advice if you post in legal matters.

I've got one of these exes as well. If he's taken you to court lots of times for frivolous reasons, do ask your solicitor about whether it's possible to get a court order that would require your ex to get the court's permission before bringing another case against you.

Aside from that, it comes back to the old "you can't change him, you can only change you". Basically, you have to find a way to live with it so that it doesn't break you. Considerably easier said than done, I know. It's like living in California and knowing that from time to time there will be earthquakes. Scary and awful when they happen, but to some extent you just accept that it will continue to happen and you deal with it when it does.

I haven't addressed your main question, about your DP. You don't want to give him the impression that your ex is living rent-free inside your head and taking up all the space. For your own sake as well as his, can you find time and space where you're concentrating on this new relationship, and keeping your ex's drama on the sidelines, where it belongs?

Completely agree with Dahlen, wish she'd been around to offer me advice a couple of years ago!
Do check out the freedom course though, it's very good for getting the situation straight in your head and will also help with dp situation too

Thank you for all your advise, really appreciate it.

With the current partner, I've told him I want space to deal with it. He's a lovely man and he deserves to be able to have a girlfriend who can be there for him. I am spending all my time dealing with the ex, or going to see my family, I can't be there for him like I should be. He's respecting me asking for time to deal, by not ringing/texting, but he's asked my mum how I am so I can see he still cares. Guess I shouldn't take it for granted.

I like the idea of the freedom course, thanks for telling me about it, didn't even know it existed, I also didn't know you can get Court Orders that stop him taking me to court all the time, I will certainly look into it.

xx