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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Feel weird. Ex-h's new baby born today

58 replies

Mexxo · 19/09/2012 21:00

He called from the delivery room to tell us (me and the DCs). Happy for them... But also feel a bit weird about it. I feel like the baby is a part of my family, and yet there is no word to describe what the baby and I are in relation to each other. "My DC's half sister" doesn't really cut it.

OP posts:

CremeEggThief · 19/09/2012 21:55

Maybe it is nasty. But it's how I feel, and I don't think it's any where near as nasty as how I have been treated by STBXH and the O.W., who destroyed my world as I knew it.

But I don't want to feel like this forever. In fact, I have just started seeing a Relate counsellor, to try to work through these feelings of anger, hurt and bitterness. But I need to be entirely honest in the process.

I wasn't bragging about how I feel and I never said it was the right way to feel, but it is the way I feel right now.

Anyway, OP, I am sorry if I have hijacked your thread. It's not what I meant to happen, when I answered your question.

NellyJob · 19/09/2012 21:57

But it's how I feel
no you said you 'were going to force him to have the snip' - that's not about feelings....

Casmama · 19/09/2012 22:02

I think we could give creme a bit of a break - her marriage only split up 3 weeks ago due to her husband cheating on her so how about about allowing a lack of perspective rather than piling in to criticise.

Original poster

Mexxo · 19/09/2012 22:03

I'd like to reclaim my thread by inviting everyone not to flame Creme. I did also think that sounded very spiteful but poor Creme must be feeling very raw still and we all express nasty thought and feelings when distressed that we later regret.

Creme I hope that you begin to rebuild your life soon. Trust me, my ex-h and I had the most bitter divorce ever, I HATED him, I had the Samaritans on speed dial and really thought my life was over. Best of all, he told me my life was over without him in it and that he would soon be remarried and i would be alone until the kids left home and probably forever. And, so far, he seems to have been right! But 3 years later I attended his wedding with the DCs and it was kind of ok. Life does move on. One day at a time.

OP posts:

SmellsLikeTeenStrop · 19/09/2012 22:08

I'm the one who went on to have more DCs after I split with XP. I don't see him as having anything to do with the DCs DH and I have together. I know how he feels about it, he told DCs1 and 2 after DC3 was born that she wasn't their 'real sister'. N

confuddledDOTcom · 19/09/2012 22:10

Of course she wasn't going to force him, what's she going to do? Drag him into the GP and insist on a referral then onto the appointment to get it done, hold him down whilst they do it? So yes, it's how she feels because she couldn't have ever acted on it!

My OH said he's going to get done (ahem... two pregnancies ago) rather than me in case we split up. No, he's having it done because pregnancy is bad for me and I've done my share of hospitals and messing, it's his turn! If we split up I'm not having any more children.

His children have two siblings but we don't really have much to do with them so it's not something either of us really think about.

Dryjuice25 · 19/09/2012 22:11

Creme, good luck for the future ..... I'm sure you will meet someone. I'm 34 soon, dislike my dp (on separation) But wouldn't dream of stealing his "creme egg", pun intended.

confuddledDOTcom · 19/09/2012 22:16

When our eldest was born, his youngest was only 6 and had a 6 week old brother from his mum. He asked if his brother and sister were brother and sister. A logical question I think. Everyone got angry at him for asking. The first time we took her he said something to us, OH said no and I said (knowing that people had got cross at him for asking before) "do you know why they're not brother and sister?" and explained to him that he and his brother share a mummy and he and his sister share a daddy but his brother and sister don't share a mummy or daddy. He said "Oh, OK, I get it" and that was the end of it. I felt so sad for him that he was asking an honest question and people got offended by it. He was 6, he just needed someone to say it simple like that! I make sure she understands family dynamic because she's too young to be involved in politics. She knows that I'm their step-mum, she and her sisters are half-sisters to their brothers and that the other two aren't related.

Original poster

Mexxo · 19/09/2012 22:25

There's not going to be any hurt feelings in our case I think (I even managed to stay calm when I heard from DS years ago that her stepmum liked to be called "our other Mummy"). It's just that this child is my DCs' sister and they like to have labels for what everyone in their blended family is to one another and - while I would never dream of suggesting I was "another mummy" or anything so silly - it would be nice to have some label and "stepmum" doesn't work. But I am from a family where everyone is your "auntie" or your "uncle", even though they're not, so perhaps I am more attached to the idea of a familial label than I should be.

OP posts:

porcamiseria · 19/09/2012 22:26

I can imagine how weird it feels, she sounds alot nicer than your ex!

cremeegg, I get why you feel like that< its not right, but I do get it!

CremeEggThief · 19/09/2012 22:28

Thank you, Mexxo and others, but I honestly don't think I will meet someone I trust enough in time, as I can't imagine trusting anyone again after what STBXH did. Even after just one session with the Relate counsellor, she said it was going to take a long, long time for me to trust anyone enough to let them into my life.

Right now, I am even finding it hard to trust friends and acquaintances to do what they say they will. I keep expecting people to let me down, and I have to force myself to reach out occasionally when I really need help, as I don't want to risk any hurt at all.

SheppySheepdog · 19/09/2012 22:30

Gah, this thread is confusing!

My DH has a half sister who has a half sister who we see a lot of. They are not directly related but we just call her his sister to save the faces.

Fingers crossed DH and I are happy with the two dc we have together. Easy to say now but I can't imagine wanting any more, in this marriage or any other although I suppose he might one day.

I know this is certainly not the case with everyone so don't jump on me but just having step brothers/sisters growing up led to my brother and I feeling pushed out so a new baby relation would have led to a very weird family dynamic for us. Am really impressed at how some people here seem to have just blended seamlessly.

porcamiseria · 19/09/2012 22:31

keep at the councilling cremegg- and try and hope

Really, it will help and dont rule out more babies, there are a few more years in dem ovaries x

Wetthemogwai · 19/09/2012 22:34

My ex had a baby with his new wife last week. A year to the day I kicked him out.
If he'd have waited a bit it wouldn't have bothered me but the fact that 10 weeks after he left he was married to her and the month after that she was pregnant...dd wasn't even close to 1 when it was announced. It's nothing to do with me whether or not he has a baby with his new wife but the fact he moved on so quickly and forgot his still baby dd hurt

topknob · 19/09/2012 22:36

My dsd has a sister who is not dh's so dsd and this girl share a mum..dh and I always buy this girl christmas presents etc so she feels included in her own half sisters family..it works for us, dh's ex buys our kids presents as well.

Original poster

Mexxo · 19/09/2012 22:37

Yes creme, plenty of time. Ex-h's wife was 34 when she met him, she is 40 now and has just had first baby! You have time hopefully. But you're right to focus on yourself and getting through this first. Chin up. Most things can be fixed, including your tattered self-esteem and trust.

OP posts:

peanutMD · 19/09/2012 22:44

My step dad (father of my 6yo sisters) and his girlfriend (who he met and had an affair with on World of Warcraft) had a baby last year.. On my sisters' birthday!

My mum wasn't amused but there's not much that can be fine about it, the baby is here and my sisters are happy when they see at the weekends.

Try not to worry yourself, is perfectly normal to feel a bit odd. Your DC's father will always be a pretty major thing but unfortunately things happen and life moves ahead with other people and that can mean extending you're DC's family too.

solidgoldbrass · 19/09/2012 22:46

I think some new terms are probably needed, actually, as this is not uncommon.

THough it's not relevant to the OP (sorry OP) I have considered trying to get the name CHOPWIMP (CHild's Other Parent Who Isn't My Partner) into general usage, and always quite liked Elinor Brent-Dyer's 'sister-by-marriage' phrase for her schoolgirl characters who were not biologically related but whose respective widowed parents had married each other.

Socknickingpixie · 19/09/2012 22:47

indeed creme, im older than you and have a 6 month ds after thinking i would never even think about having sex with anybody other than myself

CremeEggThief · 19/09/2012 23:04

Thank you, Mexxo and Sock. I could be stressing about something that will never even happen, as he told me he didn't want another baby to take even more of my love away from him, and he was far more interested in developing his social life than in family time. He thought my priority should have been making more friends to have over to drink wine, rather than thinking about having another child.

Really I should be counting my blessings that I didn't have another child with him, shouldn't I?

Anyway, off to bed, as that Wednesday has knocked me for six! :)

chipmonkey · 20/09/2012 00:10

My niece has two half-brothers. She has always called them her brothers right from the start. My dsis was actually quite relieved when her XP had children with his new dp as my niece, then stopped pestering her to have another baby!

NellyJob · 20/09/2012 00:51

it's horrible being called a 'half sister' like you are only half a person....

bogeyface · 20/09/2012 00:59

My ex is my youngest childs "Uncle". Its not ideal but tbh I am not sure how else to deal with it. He has a GF that he has been seeing a while, the kids have met her but I havent, I am hoping then after I have met her, she and I can have a chat about it as she has a couple of kids too. I am sure that she would want things to be good between us all for all of the childrens sake, as do I.

weegiemum · 20/09/2012 01:32

Ive got 3 stepbrothers (my step mums kids from her first marriage)
A full brother and sister
A half-sister (my mums child with her new husband)
2 other "stepbrothers" who are my mums husbands children from his first marriage but we don't see them.

I always say I'm the oldest of 6 kids, cos that's how it worked (after my parents split we stayed with dad, who then remarried my fabulous stepmum who had 3 boys already!)

When I had my first antenatal appointment when pg with dd1, they asked, as they do, about family history. Diabetes? Yes, my brother is diabetic. Dh had to nudge me to remind me my oldest little brother is not in fact a blood relation! He's a stepbrother. But I just regard him (and the other two) as my brothrers. Not so with my half-sister because my toxic mother isn't part of my life and her daughter won't speak to me because of that.

I love having all these brothers. My parents (by which I mean my dad and step mum) have always been scrupulously fair and made no difference between us.

Beantheremyself · 20/09/2012 07:28

This is the most confusing thread I've ever read.

I don't know who I am anymore. Are we related?

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