Love mother, but don't particularly like her.

[Mollydoggerson]

How do people cope with their mothers?

Mine judges everyone and it is difficult to be around her as a result. She judges:

Over weight people.
Stay at home mothers - not her choice and is therefore the brain dead, education waisting choice.
The unemployed.
Overly talkative people.
Unattractive people.
Everyone really.

She judges non-stop in the privacy of her own home and in her comfort zone, she reels it in when in company. She is warm and loving tho, and always on the go herself, she just cannot fathom why everyone does not think like her or live life like she has.

Honestly, how do people cope other than to avoid their mothers.

By accepting that my mum's a person, she has opinions like everyone else I meet in life, and if I don't agree with that opinion I can either choose to challenge it or ignore it and change the subject. I think avoiding people just because you don't agree with them is a little cowardly and childish. Of course if you can't fathom why she doesn't think like you or live life the way you do... you may have more in common than you think :)

I do challenge the overt judging occassionally but the challenges are dismissed and ridiculed, and create discomfort.

Cognito, I can fathom (I am capable of that, thank you) why she doesn't think like me, we are all entitled to our individual opinions, however I cannot engage in or support the constant judging.

I think you may have a little in common with her yourself (smiley faces, waves patronisingly over).

@ Cogito

Molly, I sympathise. Your mum doesn't sound that different to mine (though there is a lot, lot more to my story/her character - it would take me about three months and the whole of all the pages in MN to explain our relationship - suffice to say there she has done some incredibly destructive things in the last 40 years).

To cut a long story short I saw a counsellor about 10 years ago because I had to cut my mother off completely for a few months - I was on the verge of a breakdown from all her demands, guilt tripping and dreadful.

I trotted out the 'love but don't like' and she said, very matter of factly, 'what rot, you can't love someone if you don't even like them!' and it was such an eye opener. I don't love my mum - that's ok. I am kind to her, I do things for her, I see her quite frequently but inside I have built a huge, safe barrier around me that protects me from her.

Only you know how complicated or damaged your relationship is and whether you need to take more steps to disengage with her or seek help with dealing with these feelings. Maybe it's not that bad and she just does your head in with her offensive views - but it's not a bad idea to separate yourself mentally so it doesn't bother you so much.

Sorry I missed out words there!

Dreadful behaviour

And I trotted out the 'love but don't like her' line to my counseller who she said...

Has your mum always been like this or is it an age thing? I've noticed my mum has become much more like this as she has gotten older. Is narrowmindedness a feature of old age? I just bite my lip when she starts and change the subject!

I think you must all be my sisters!
My mum is just like this and has got much worse as she's aged. My mum isn't rude about random people though - only her friends and family
and then complains that she has no-one to go on holiday with
I like your counsellor's line there proudnscary - I don't particularly like my mum at all and find her very difficult to be with but I always assumed I loved her just because she's my mum !! Maybe I don't!!

Why the hostility people? The OP doesn't like her mum because she doesn't agree with her views and finds this annoying. To then complain about mother's judgemental nature and inability to accept other points of view seems rather hypocritical to me, that's all. Both women are equally judgemental and opinionated ... neither woman wants to back down from their position or tolerate other opinions... hence the friction. The saying is 'you can't choose your relatives'. Wouldn't life be bloody boring if we only hung out with yes-men?

It depends on the level of judging.

I have an older relative who has changed as she has got older, especially since retirement. She is increasingly and vociferously negative about almost everything, it seems. I don't always think she is wrong, but the way she goes on and on and expresses these views gets very hard to take. It is really quite hard to have a light-hearted conversation with her sometimes, she will prefer to rant about stuff she's heard on the news. It does mean she isn't always very good company. Everyone likes a good moan, but not constantly.

Cogito sometimes people start threads on here, or read another persons thread, with just the bare bones of thoughts about a parent. As the thread grows, the OP may realise that the problems they have with their parents are far more deep seated than they realised.

It may be that Molly's only problem with her mother is her judgemental attitude - which she may be able to cope with on a day to day basis. Or, this may be just the tip of the iceburg on a generally toxic relationship - only as the thread unfolds, or doesn't, will that become apparent. However, dismissing someones concerns when you don't yet know that isn't helpful, especially if it is the case that there is more to this than just the initial post.

Those with toxic parents will understand that. Those with normal parental relationships will probably not. Hopefully the OPs relationship with her mother is not toxic and damaging to her, but plenty are.

When I read these threads about people berating their mothers (despite the fact that i have done so myself so im not judging!) i feel really sad. I feel sad because i would hate for MY DD to post something similar about me, it would break my heart.

I could see no wrong in my Mum, when growing up. We had none of the teenage battles, because I genuinely thought she was wonderful, and very wise and always right.

My Dad had an affair when I was in my teens, and I completely sided with my Mum, and thought her incredibly heroic and brave and 100% innocent.

But, gradually as I went through my Twenties I started seeing my Mum with adult eyes. I began to realise it wasn't quite right that she seemed to almost enjoy it when DH (then DP) and I fell out. I began to realise it wasn't quite healthy that she got so closely involved when my DB argued with his wife.

Slowly, I started to see that my Mum was actually highly dismissive of most people, and that she could be quite a bully. I saw that whilst she always liked plenty of attention and praise, she very rarely could bring herself to praise anyone else, certainly not me.

My Mum never really tried to hide the fact that she didn't like DH. She was always so chilly towards him, and I don't think she even understood how much that upset me. She barely tolerated him, and was actually openly rude towards him many times, enough for other people to notice and comment.

But, she thought she could get away with it because she was my Mum and I thought she was wonderful. But, I had stopped thinking her wonderful and thought she was arrogant and conceited.

When I had my DCs I didn't cope very well, at all, and suffered with PND. Looking back, I realise my Mum didn't feel sad for me, and neither was she that worried about me. I think she actually enjoyed the fact I couldn't cope because it made her feel superior to me. She actively contributed to my illness by always making me feel that I wasn't doing enough for my DCs. She was always questioning if they were warm enough, eating enough, eating the right things, sleeping enough.

As my DCs have grown older she has often undermined me, sided with my DCs against me, tried to get my DCs to lie to me. I feel she competes with me for their attention and love. When she visits she's chilly towards DH, implies the house isn't clean enough and criticises my appearance. She's not really interested in my life, or what I'm doing, but I have to listen to the minutae of her life.

20 years ago, we could have emigrated, but I couldn't bear the thought of leaving my Mum. Today, I would be quite content to only see her once a year. When she leaves I'm relieved to see her go. I see her so clearly now, and I can see that she is often selfish, quite spiteful, petty, conceited and actually not a very nice person, at all.

Molly, all I can say is that I sympathise.

I also (belatedly) sympathise Molly. I have this problem too. I cope by periodically going insane and moaning at my DH (which apparently makes me also judgemental). I can't avoid my mum (and don't want to), and wish I knew how to cope with it better too!

I have read your thread looking for solace as I am struggling to accept my mother's interference with my toddler. I live 150 miles away so it's not an every day issue, but I feel my wish to spend time with her/ confide in her decreases with each visit. I could rewrite what Secret Daughter has posted here with just some minor edits about my situation, no brother but insert a troubled teen stepson to the mix and you'll get the picture. How do you cope when you just want to get through the day with her? And enjoy seeing your child developing a relationship with someone important? I feel picked apart and undermined at every step, even without her saying anything. Maybe I'm over sensitive?

A few examples illustrate...if my toddler (2y) shows a preference for me for a cuddle, or doesn't listen to her when she calls him she gets jealous and irritated (My internal reaction is: for goodness sake, i'm his mother!!!). If I ask him to do something simple, but requiring focus e.g. eat your food/drink your milk etc she will immediately do something to distract and call attention to herself - I only half believe this is a subconscious need to bond with her grandson, and more about dominating me. Is that a bid paranoid? When he was born she sort of crowed over me holding him, and often said he has two mummies. I think she was trying to say that she is still my mummy, her role is important, don't push me aside but it just feels like she'd like to be rid of me and have him to herself. I have suggested that she does things on her own with him, but it's always refused unless she initiates it. They're downstairs at the moment baking, but it was her idea and she's basically told me to bugger off and shut the door on me. "Don't worry he'll be fine", of course he will he's with his grandmother why does she think i'm concerned? I'm actually a bit confused about what the real issue is so maybe that's why I can't resolve it!?

My mum came out with some corkers, I occasionally challenged her but her convictions were teflon coated.

At least your mother is kind and loving. Mine was too but died a few years' ago otherwise I can guarantee she wouldn't have been a fluffy old lady, she never backed down or gave an inch. My DD has that same steely core, hoping she can channel that for the powers of good!

I"In the privacy of her own home" that seems reasonable enough. "In company" does she know her audience? Does she trot out judgey comments in front of a like-minded bunch of cronies? Or is she unblushingly offending people left, right and centre?

Another one who can identify with Molly here...throw in racism to the judging party and you could be talking about my DM. Even worse, she's not discrete in company and revels in being 'controversial'. :'(