Assertiveness towards older relatives?

[Earthymama]

A lovely young relative of mine in her late teens, we'll call her Daisy, has just recounted the story of her last visit to her grandmother.
I am still and at the racism and patronising attitude towards disability so casually displayed.

Daisy knows the comments and conversations are wrong; she is a wonderful girl who would not accept this from her friends.However, her grandmother is a bully and a narcissist who would be horrible to Daisy and would cause trouble for her in the family.

Luckily, I have no contact with the woman; I want to help Daisy to be more assertive.
i have suggested that in response to remarks and criticism of her personal appearance she uses the classic, 'Did you mean to be so rude?'. She is genuinely scared to try this approach.

All of this is detrimental to her self-esteem as she feels like a failure.

I have bought Anne Dickinson's, a Woman in your Own Right, and will read that with her.
Any suggestions welcome.

First thing is to tell Daisy that she doesn't have to visit her grandmother. She can start by saying no to her parents (who I presume are the ones dragging her to see the old witch?) : "I do not want to visit Grandmother, as she makes me uncomfortable and upset."

When faced with Grandmother's racist/patronising statements, she can also say: "Oh do you think so? I don't see it that way," and carry on with another topic of conversation.

The thing to remember is to not get ruffled (or to show that she is), and definitely not to engage with the narc. Using "I" statements is a good rule of thumb: the narc will have a harder time fighting those, since Daisy is entitled to feel and believe what she wants to feel and believe. The difference is that a narc can fight "you are wrong about x" to the death, whereas it is futile for anyone to fight the statement "I believe y". Better to say: "I see that you think x, but I feel/believe y." And repeat as necessary if the narc tries to tell Daisy how she should think and feel: "That's as may be, but I feel/believe y."

Going to an assertiveness course, or working through an assertiveness workbook is also good for all life situations, not just narcissistic relatives.

Good luck to her!

Thank you, it's her nice-ness and sense of duty that makes her visit, the old lady is likely to turn up unnanounced!!
I'll have a look at that link later.