MIL and SIL -Abusing trust?

[BabyBorn]

Need an honest opinion on this subject, so my first port of call was good old Mumsnet!

Am quite annoyed today. Will try not to drip feed but here is the short version...

Never really got on with toxic MIL, DH been together for 5.5 years, married for 4. I have a DD 7 from previous, and DD 5 months with DH.

Never had much contact with his family really, only on certain occasions. His SIL used to talk to me, but since big falling out with MIL over 2 years ago SIL has pretty much ignored me. I see SIL some days as she works at DD1'S school. Shes a teaching assistant. Doesnt usually work in DD's class and hasnt since she started working at the school a few years ago. I see her in the playground and we both avoid each other, and have done for years. She usually puts her head down and avoids me, and i started doing this too to avoid embarassment in the early days, but now do it as i really have nothing to say to SIL. Shes neary 50, and i am 27 (just to give you an insight). She never approaches me to speak to DD1 and has never seen DD2 probably as never asked to come around when she was born and has never stopped me to see her when she has seen me in the school. When DH goes to the school, he sometimes says he has seen SIL and they chatted, its funny how she seems to spot DH but not me!

SIL (long story) but she has her grandson fulltime as her daughter has MH problems, has been suicidal, and was neglecting her son when he was younger. SS gave full parental responsiblity to SIL. SIL grandson and my DD1 are in the same year in school, and she has always worked in his class since she started working at the school, which is not the same class DD is in.

MIL and I are trying to build bridges and have been doing so just before DD2 was born. Ive been inviting her over on various days to see DD and we have been getting on OK.

MIL came over this morning, and told me SIL had been having a chat with DD1 and DD had told her my mum was coming over for a sleep over. SIL then obviously ran back to MIL and told her this. Obviously MIL has repeated it to me, and i said nothing at the time to MIL as didnt want a huge row. I spoke with DH after she left and ranted.

I am pissed off that everytime i have seen SIL she has ignored me, never seen DD2 properly, only seen her getting pushed in her pram at the school by myself, and only seems to notice or chat to DD1 when shes at school!I am annoyed that on DD1'S birthday, she didnt even get a card from SIL. SIL has never seemed intrested in DD1. Now shes talking to her at school, and DD1 has given her info that i dont think she needs to know. No idea if SIL has asked questions to get info from DD1. Ive only found this out today, so i havnt had chance to speak to DD1 about it tactfully yet.

My own mother lives 150 miles away, and comes up to see children every other week. She has only met MIL and SIL once. So its not like they even needed to mention her name.

Am i being unreasonable to be angry?

Did your SIL find out the information through a discussion with your DD at school? if so I would speak to someone at the school, there are rules about information from children and who it can be shared with and your MIL would not be on the list. My mum works in the same school as some of her grandchildren and every year she is reminded of her confidentiality responsibilities and the need for her as a responsible adult within the school to observe the school safeguarding policy which is that children should be free to talk to their teachers without fear of that information being passed on inappropriately. SIL gossiping to MIL about what your child has said in school would be against most safe guarding policies.

In general though you are well within your rights to be really angry about this and it is truly none of their business when and for how long you see other members of your family.

I also forgot to mention that summer 2011 me and DH were going through a rough patch, i was working 52 hours a week, so he was doing the school pick up's etc, so SIL saw him alot then. One evening me and DH were talking through our problems when DD1 was in bed, and he got a phonecall from MIL asking him if he was OK and SIL had seen him at the school and he didnt look happy and were him and I splitting up!! MIL didnt know i could hear her and probably doesnt even know i know about this. I ranted at the time to DH, but left it and didnt ever bring it up again.

A few months later, i fell pregnant with DD2. 3 months after this DH did school drop off in the morning, and came back with SIL! She acted like nothing happened!I was OK with her, spoke as normal etc. That was in October 2011 and she hasnt been back since?? and went straight back to ignoring me etc again.

Im so glad you said this Freddy! Thank you! I was thinking of doing this, but wasnt sure if i was BU. Thanks for your insight and reply!

umm...it all sounds very innocent from SiLs POV, I think

you dont know how she got the information from your dd, or how the information was passed to MiL

I would imagine it went along the lines of;

little babyborn runs up to SiL in playground and says my granny is coming for a sleepover, because she is excited. Or maybe your dd told her grandson? Kids always spout random snippets of information to people.

SiL then relays story of littlebabyborn skipping up to her in the playground to tell her this, to MiL?

MiL uses information as an infiller/ice-breaker/ conversation starter with you, on your building-bridges day?

It not personal/ sensitive information or a secret?

At the most SiL shouldnt have relayed the trivia to her mum; Im sure she could be disciplined for it, but really? you would certainly be driving wedges between you all, if you reported her

You sound hurt by SiLs rejection, rather than disliking her? Why dont you approach her and tell her you would like her to come and meet her niece/nephew? ask her for a coffee? or ask her if you can build-bridges with her also?

and i dont really see any problem with the phone conversation to your dh to see if he is ok, if SiL thought he looked down; except of course its weird they would assme you were splitting up. Maybe that is wishful thinking on their part, if you all dont get on? Maybe they blame you that they aren't so close to their son/brother?

why you have fallen out, probably would clarify a lot...

Some good points there Dobalina.Some maybe very true.

MIL and i fell out because shes toxic. I was trying to help her out with something a few years back. She rang me, asked for help, tried to help her and the minute i turn my back for 5 seconds shes slagging me off to a family member, i find out, confront her, she denies it. Very long winded story to say the least. She lost her husband in 2006 and seemed to not want to get on with her life and relied on DH to be an almost surrogate spouse. When he met me shortly after, she was cold from day 1, talked to me like shit, would pass rude and unnecessary comments to me when DH was out of the room, and acted up when he came ito a room to make out i had said something to HER that was out of order. She humilated me infront of others on family events, usually someone elses birthday. Made scenes in restaurants. The list is endless. Then one day, something snapped and i refused to take anymore of her crap.

I think considering SIL sat with me 2 years ago, told me her mother was toxic and that i didnt need to have a relationship with her and that she didnt with her MIL, then a month later blacks me?

I think they are both actually toxic.

I also think i have a right to keep my life private and what else has my DD told her that she may have told others? Woudnt matter what was said, its that shes taken that info and passed it on.

I have felt no rejection from SIL to be honest as shes alot older than me, we have nothing in common, and all of her famiy seem to be dysfunctional and toxic, so i have felt very glad to not be a part of this.

I think MIL is jelous that she may not be as close to DH as she would like, and i believe SIL loves to watch the drama unfolding.

She is abusing her position of trust towards my daughter and the school, but being brought up with life full of dramas, she wouldnt know how to keep her mouth shut.

Sorry, not drip feeding either, just have a teething 5 month old too, lol.

DD1 knows SIL's real name but doesnt really understand that SIL is DH sister. Weve never spoken about it recently, i think we may have mentioned it years ago, but DD would probably have forgotten this. Ive never been to her house and shes only been here a handful of times, so its not as if we even act like a family, for DD to want to just come out and tell her anything like that.

Will get a wider picture of what was said when DD comes home i suppose.

Also, my DH is in his late 40's, so hardly needs his mother ringing up as soon as she gets some gossip that we might be splitting up!

well cut them off and report her to the school then

why do you feel like this though?;

I am pissed off that everytime i have seen SIL she has ignored me, never seen DD2 properly, only seen her getting pushed in her pram at the school by myself, and only seems to notice or chat to DD1 when shes at school!I am annoyed that on DD1'S birthday, she didnt even get a card from SIL. SIL has never seemed intrested in DD1

Sorry, i didnt actually mean that im pissed off that shes not talking to me, i couldnt care less, but why not talk to me and then question my daughter about my life if she doesnt like me or talk to me?

She stopped talking to me shortly after i fell out with mother in law, but the month after i fell out with MIL, SIL came to the playbarn and we took her grandson and my daughter and they played together, then a few months later she stops talking. When we went to the playbarn she was slagging her mother off and telling me i didnt need to have a relationship with her if i didnt want to! So whats that all about?

Ive spoken to DD and she has said that SIL has asked her questions about my pregnancy and scans. Shes also asked if i was having a boy or a girl??? DH would have told his family when he was ready. Shes used my daughter to gain infomation. She hasnt even text DH to ask if she could come around and see her.

Im noy going to report her to the school unless she carries this on. I should really speak to her and ask her to stop asking DD any questions that isnt school related. I dont really want to have to speak to her at all tbh, but its either that, or speak to the school.

Im also wondering if she would like it if i told some of the mums about her family, about her daughters, that are now both lesbians, how SIL got in a ruck with her daughter in law and her mother head butted her in the nose in the summer holidays. That her daughter had voices in her head telling her to hurt her son, and the daughter still gets unsupervised contact with the boy. I dont think she would like it at all, but of course i would never tell anyone.

that information is hardly on the same level as 'other granny is coming for a sleep-over'

but, yes i think it is perfectly reasonable to ask her not to question your dd about your family life, and even talk to the school about it if you feel like you want to.

how old is your dd? are you sure her version is the truth?

how do you know all that information about her, if you have no contact?

Dd is 7. I did mention it at the start of thread. She is very innocent, thank the lord, and definitely wouldn't tell lies about that sort of thing.

I know all that info as mil came over and was telling DH. Was hard not to listen, as I was in the same room, but kept my attention on Dd as Mil wittered on in the background.