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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Trust issues

22 replies

Ironingsucks · 19/09/2012 13:30

Back story: dh had more than one affair and finally left (his choice) two years ago.

I am with a lovely new dp, but can't help constantly being on high alert for things that don't add up etc

I have tried counselling and It did not really help, just wondering if this sort of thing ever goes, its horrid

OP posts:

Numberlock · 19/09/2012 13:32

Can I ask what type of counselling you had, OP?

Original poster

Ironingsucks · 19/09/2012 13:41

I went to relate, only because it was bothering my relationship with new dp and although he is lovely about my past and is reassuring sometimes he can get a bit upset as he feels I don't trust him.

I trust him about 90% the other 10% I am not sure will ever come, there is really nothing more he can do to make me feel more secure.

An example he went went out for a drink with a male friend the other night, and when I woke up the next morning there was a sparkly button (tiny thing it was on the hall floor), immediately I saw it and thought that's not mine what's he up to ... Asked him about it and he is as stumped as me. But it's still going round and round my brain and it's almost two weeks since it happened.

OP posts:

solidgoldbrass · 19/09/2012 13:44

OK, you do need some more counselling. I think it's CBT that works best for this sort of thing: you know your feelings are irrational so you need to work on ways of letting them go and not getting stuck in a paranoid loop of misery.
Best of luck. You're halfway there already by having acknowledged that your former partner's behaviour is not something you can blame the current one for.

Numberlock · 19/09/2012 13:58

Agree with sgb, that's why I asked what you'd had previously.

CBT is a very short programme of therapy and will equip you with the tools to switch off these negative thoughts and prevent the downward spiral.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/09/2012 14:02

I'm going to take a different view. Which is that, once you've lost your innocence, your perspective is going to change and there's not a lot you can do about it. Once you've survived something as painful and shocking as finding out about affairs and learned from the experience you're going to be sensitised to it for a long time. Call it cynicism rather than suspicion but I don't think it's going to go away even with CBT or whatever. Whilst not wanting to feed your fears unduly, your new partner could be lying about the sparkly button and, rather than wanting to switch off the alarm bells

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/09/2012 14:05

(premature send!) rather than wanting to switch off the alarm bells you should maybe trust your judgement..

Original poster

Ironingsucks · 19/09/2012 14:09

And that is where I get stuck I don't know if my judgement is still good (always was with ex but I never trusted my gut) or way too sensitive now due to the past.

Something seemingly trivial like finding a button, could be a myriad of reasons behind it ending up there, could have come from the kids, could have fallen from something could have even blown in from the street. But straight away I think .. He has been with a woman ... Not thinking he is having an affair but more flirting with someone in a bar.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/09/2012 14:28

OK well you start there... has he been with a woman?... you've asked about the button, he's said he's mystified and you now have the choice to believe or disbelieve. You'd like to believe, I take it? So you choose to believe but it'll stay at the back of your mind and, if more sparkly buttons appear, you'll ask more questions.

The thoughts you have are not as important as your actions. When my DS goes off on a school trip I have a few sleepless nights worryiing about pile-ups on the motorway etc but I wave the coach goodbye in cheery manner on the day itself .... The point I'm making is that he never knows and never will know the extent of my bizarre imagination. All he sees is Cheery Mum saying have a good time.

So continue to have irrational thoughts about buttons, keep your radar switched on and act like a normal person in the meantime. You'll probably meet yourself somewhere in the middle

AnyFucker · 19/09/2012 14:31

Good advice from cogito

I think it's always worth saying that even though (to my knowledge) DH has never cheated on me, I still don't trust him 100%

IMO, that is naive

it doesn't mean you have to obsess about every little night out/sparkly button etc, but your radar is there for a reason, to protect you

don't try to annihilate it out of existence

fiventhree · 19/09/2012 14:34

Good point, AF.

I trust myself these days.

Numberlock · 19/09/2012 14:42

flirting with someone in a bar

It depends what you mean by flirting, but I think you have to accept that a certain amount of contact with the opposite sex will go on on a night out and is acceptable.

Original poster

Ironingsucks · 19/09/2012 14:42

Yes I want to believe him.

You make a good point cogito, but I then think to myself but how can I carry on as normal but on a heightened state of alert looking out for more "buttons", surely this would make things like sex a bit of a lie, as I am wary of him, slightly suspicious?

I am not sure if I am making sense, evn I don't truly understand what I feel about all this. All I know is that I would love to think naaah not dp he wouldn't do that, but as AF said this is very naive especially someone from someone with my history.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ironingsucks · 19/09/2012 14:47

Just wrote a reply number jack and it went poof!!

The thought of him talking chatting and joking with other women makes my bloody boil , I know that men and women talk, it's normal. But for me knowing that he was even having an innocent chat with a woman in a pub would make me feel cross and let down

OP posts:

Original poster

Ironingsucks · 19/09/2012 14:48

Sorry number lock, !!

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/09/2012 14:52

The more people I meet and the more relationships I have, the less shocked I am about anyone or anything any more. :) The 'heightened state of alert' does recede into the background but, as your last relationship only finished two years ago and as your current relationship must be fairly recent, it's all quite fresh still. You're still getting to know each other so it's pretty normal to keep your beady eye on things. Three, four or ten years from now you might be able to say 'naaah not DP, he wouldn't do that' with a bit more confidence.

AnyFucker · 19/09/2012 14:53

your reaction to him having an innocent chat with other women is not normal, love

what about women he works with, chats to as he buys his morning newspaper (or whatever), female friends of yours etc ad infinitum?

I know my H chats to other women, they do constitute 50% of the population !

Not being nasty, love, but you know you may wreck your current relationship (which you said is good, and he tries to understand your fears) don't you ?

Original poster

Ironingsucks · 19/09/2012 15:03

Yes I AF I do know that, it makes me very nervous and worried. I know that these reactions are not normal. Its almost like I see every female as a threat.

OP posts:

Numberlock · 19/09/2012 15:07

Sorry number lock

No need to apologise, but AF is right though.

It's going to end up with you driving yourself mad every time he's out, quizzing him "who did you speak to", he'll start lying because of your reaction if he tells you a funny (innocent) story that happened in a bar...

Numberlock · 19/09/2012 15:09

Was there much of a break between your ex-husband leaving and the new relationship starting, OP?

OneMoreChap · 19/09/2012 15:49

From the other side, sad to say, I know a bloke that broke a perfectly good relationship because he suspected his completely innocent partner.

Original poster

Ironingsucks · 19/09/2012 16:56

There was a 4 month gap before we met and at the time we lived at opposite ends of the country, we had a long distance relationship of 6 months and then we moved to the same town

OP posts:

Original poster

Ironingsucks · 19/09/2012 16:57

No that's wrong lol!! It was more like 8 months before we lived in the same town.

OP posts:

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