FIL in hospital not spoken in years

[lisad123]

Theres a long history with my PIL, mainly that they are nasty and completely unstable.
They stopped talking to us about 6 years ago as they didn't agree with our choice of religion. When dh was dx with cancer I called them because dh asked me to. They came down, wouldn't talk to me and stayed one day and left. That was 3.5 years ago. Since then dh stayed in touch with his mum via fb.
She sent a cheque in the post for the girls at Xmas which never arrived but she accused me of stealing it and said some other horrible stuff. We decided then that we needed to cut her off again as they were adding nothing to our family life and stressing out dh, who is still fighting cancer. Another reason was that we didn't want the girls thinking this was appropriate behaviour.
Dh aunt texted this week to say Fil was in hospital and needed a heart by pass.
Dh has spoken to his mum on skype, and she is all alone in a house in middle of no where and doesn't drive.
Dh doesn't know if he wants to go to see him, I seriously don't want to but understand that I need to support dh if he does.
They are five hours trip away, and to add to the stress DDs don't know their grandparents and have SN, so not that easy to just drop and travel. We are not welcome in the house so would have to stay in hotel.

Would like outside opinions on what you would do. Am I terrible for not wanting to go?

Honestly? It depends on how your DH feels, how emotionally strong he is and how he deals with guilt. There is no need for him to feel guilty but if he is the sentimental type or prone to feeling societal pressures then he may feel guilty if he does not perform in the way a dutiful son 'should'. If this is the case then he will have to weigh up what is worse - the 'guilt' of not going or the stress of going. It is a tough decision for him to make and he needs to put his own physical and mental wellbeing first, particularly in the light of his own illness.

You will probably get a lot of posts on here saying that he should bury the hatchet with his dad etc. People are well meaning but, generally, they have no idea what toxic and dysfunctional relatives are like because they have loving, functional families - this means that they simply cannot comprehend cutting off a relative let alone leaving them cut off when they are seriously ill.

If it was me and his parents had been truly vile then I wouldn't go, but I'm not your DH and he must do what is right for him.

Thank you. I'm not sure what would be worse for dh.
It's a complex relationship because FIL isn't his birth father but raised him from
Age 5 but made it clear he favoured his "real" son but dh didn't find out that it wasn't his real father till he was 23 years old. They still won't tell him about his birth father.
His mum last time sent everything we ever sent them back including every photos of the children, wedding photos and video they have us funny phone calls at 2am and sent the most vile letters.
I'm a very forgiving person normally and hate the idea of anyone being upset by me, so this has been hard but the idea of letting them back in is terrifying me

:( They sounds horrible and I'm sorry your DH has been so ill.

To be honest, I wouldn't want to go and don't blame you for not wanting to. However, as you said, it is important that you support your DH and whatever he decides.

Your feelings sound perfectly rational and reasonable to me. I can't see how you could be considered to be in the wrong for not wanting to see them or expose your children to them. There has to be a limit as to how much you can allow someone to kick you when you're down. I am sorry you are in this position on top of everything else and hope your DH is doing very well.

I cannot see that it will serve any purpose for your dh to visit either his dm or his stepfather and, taking into all of the circumstances that led to your estrangement from his relatives and the fact he has challenging health issues of his own to contend with, I would have serious concern for his wellbeing were he to do so.

Your mil may be living in a house miles from anywhere and be unable to drive, but that choice was made of her own volition and should have no bearing on any decision you make in this matter

Presumably your sfil's biological son will perform any ministrations required thus relieving your dh of any feelings he may have of filial obligation and/or duty.

I think you should encourage your DH to go visit whether or not you accompany him. The purpose it serves is that he'll always know he did the right thing. This may sound a little vague but, in my direct experience of estrangements within my own family, knowing that he at least made the effort is something very positive he can hold onto regardless of the way he is treated before or afterwards.

I agree with Cogito.
I also think your DH should not expect his stepdad to show remorse for any of his behaviour.He might do, but it could be unlikely.
Your DH also needs to take very good care of himself at this time.

If anything, I'd say your DH should go alone, not you or the DC. Don't make any offers of help etc, just treat it as a visit and expect nothing. They've chosen to live where they do and behave this way.

It's a racing certainty that neither of the parents in this story will show any remorse, change their behaviour or alter their attitude one iota. That's not the point. The point is entirely about the DH's peace of mind here. You mentioned religion at the outset OP and most mainstream religions preach 'forgiveness'. In this context it doesn't mean allowing people to get away with blue murder, condoning their behaviour or forgetting the harm and hurt caused. It means deriving personal peace & satisfaction from staying true to your values.

Dh still not sure but has said if he goes he wants me to come as he doesn't know how he will feel seeing his dad and how much hassle he is likely to get.
I have been clear that the children are not going, but finding care for them isn't easy.

I forgave them along time ago, I refuse to waste energy on anger and hate. However it's more to do with protecting myself and family from further hurt and stress.

Do you think your DH can cope with this?
I think he needs to put himself first.
If he doesnt feel up to it, with or without you,he could send a card and or letter to his stepdad.
I think he can and should only do what he can manage.
With respect,your PILs are probably going to rant and rave either way.

I think your right whatever we do PIL will have a problem with it. We could go and stay near his brother but it's another two hours to the hospital.
I'm kinda glad no one is saying I should just go and forget and forgive, it's been hell there are many post on here about my PIL

Can you and the DC wait somewhere nearby so you are there to support him afterwards? Is there a soft play or something in the area?
Premier Inn have this £19 offer on at some places at the moment, might be worth checking out so you aren't beholden to anyone in terms of staying over and know you don't have to go to your PILs' house.
Again, though, don't feel you're obliged to do anything. All of that is off the table when people behave so badly to other family members.

Had call from SIL and turns out his been in hospital since the 6th!! MIL didn't tell us, dh aunt did which makes me think they don't want us there really.