'Haunted' by nightmares involving deceased abusive husband

[SirSugar]

He died more than 2.5 years ago, after a three weeks of illness caused by cancer we didn't know about.

He was very abusive, verbally, financially and in the months before he died, physically which he was arrested and cautioned for. Frankly it was a relief for me he suddenly passed away and I made no secret of this - except as far as DCs are concerned.

My life is very different now and I don't spend much time dwelling on him or the past, however I am suddenly having dreams about him generally with the same theme. I did have a spate of them 6 months to 1 year after where he was back from the dead and going to die soon, but I didn't know when, and I didn't know what he was going to do as he wouldn't speak to me.

The latest ones I am having centres around him trapping me in a room and attepting sexual contact with me, which I refuse and also being angry and shouting at me. In the dream I know he died and cannot understand how someone can die yet come back, and I don't know how to get away. At this point I usually wake up. they are disturbing to say the least as I have had at least 5 over the last couple of months. I wake up with a start and feel absolute relief as they are so real.

Appreciate any thoughts

@SirSugar, i’m Sorry you are going through this. I was quite shocked to read your post as I felt I could have written it myself.

I was widowed 8 years ago. My husband was alcoholic and our marriage was awful in the latter years. I’ve since come to understand (mainly though MN) that I experienced a lot of emotional abuse during the marriage.

Since he died, I have had dreams in the way that you have. In the early days they were very frequent, they have become much less so, although I did actually have another last night.

What I hate the most about them is that these are never dreams that reflect the happy times, but they are always focussed on him at his worst. As a result, I am immersed back into my feelings at the time. One particular issue for me is that in the last couple of years of his life, our finances were getting very tight. He was incapable of holding get down a job so we had to rely on my salary and he was drinking away much of our savings. When he died this became easier as the insurance paid off the mortgage. However in the dreams, I find myself panicking about money, wondering how i’ll Explain to the bank that he has been alive all this time, and how on earth can I pay back all the mortgage payments etc. It sounds awful I know, but I end up with these feelings of relief when I wake up.

Also, like you, I have a DP who is great. In some of the recent dreams, i’m In a panic wondering how I can see him now that my husband isn’t dead after all, and being scared about what the husband’s reaction will be when he finds out.

I’ve never had prolonged counselling for this. I did have a few sessions some time ago but i’ve never found anyone who seems to understand properly what complex grief looks like. I get the sense that even this far on, my brain is still trying to make sense of what happened.

Sorry I can’t offer any answers, I just wanted to say that I don’t think you are alone in experiencing this.

I suggest you go to counselling. You haven't dealt with this death. Whilst the relief is understandable, you must remember you did love him once and it feels like you're unconscious is reminding you of the bad things as thinking of the good times makes you said.

Please self care, it takes a long time to get through a trauma like this.