Seeing someone who likes that i'm fat....so why do i feel uneasy?

[PinkleWickers]

Its been a couple of months, i like him, he's smart, funny, kind and attractive. Which is all good obviously.

I am very fat and he loves this apparently, but its making me feel a bit...objectified?

I cant work out whether this is my issue because while i dont stress over my weight i dont want to be this size. My exes have probably found me attractive despite being fat and with him it seems to be because of it.

He has made a few comments about me losing weight, which i have been doing gradually since before we got together, and when ive challenged him he says he cant help having his preference but that of course i should do what i feel is right for me.

I dont think ive explained it ver well. I cant really put my finger on it. I suppose its basically that i cant feel comfortable with something i dont like about myself being fetishised.

Not sure what im asking really...

Seriously...he jokes about it in bed although you're embarrassed. And he knows it?
WTAF OP? EA in the making HUGE red flags on this one.
Get rid get rid get rid.....

Sounds a bit creepy. It's great to be with someone who likes your body the way it is and especially someone who seems to adore your body in bed....But if he's getting off on some aspect that you're really uncomfortable or not happy with then there's a mis-match. I'd say to trust your instinct on this one. If it just doesn't feel right or you're uncomfortable, that's all you need to know.

It doesn't sound right to me.
Imagine you were skinny and he joked about 'starving' you. Or asked about when you were skinnier?
Its weird, sorry.

Blimey OP, he sounds like a total creepy arse.

It sounds creepy to me. I am fat, and have been since before I met DH; but he never mentions it, or asks how much I weigh, what did I used to look like etc.

If you checked his internet history you would find lages of "BBW porn". I promise you.

These men take pleasure from degrading larger women.

Please end this and find someone who loves you for you.

Thats what ive wondered,wannabe.

So he probably doesnt even find me attractive, he gets off on degrading fat women. thats the attractionfor him and in never do sadface smileys, tosser.

No he does find you attractive. But only because you are what he desires.

He probably does like you as a person too.

But he is already making you feel uncomfortable in bed. How long before he chips away at your confidence to the point that you will do as he pleases and get bigger?

Its impolite to talk about anyones weight. Yet he talks about yours constantly. So you are overweight. Why should that be important!!

I hope I havent upset you. I just really think that you deserve a man who is attracted to you because of the wonderful person you are!!

I have to say that despite my earlier post, he sounds creepy

So sorry, this is sounding worse and worse - it's abusive

Are you Ok to end the relationship? Be prepared for a backlash when you do, he sounds like he might get angry and call you names and stuff - I really hope he doesn't though.

I'm certain your first instinct is right, that he actually gets off on degrading you...very angry people some of these men.

Hopefully if you just make excuses and keep it as civil as possible he will go without too much fuss.

i cant feel comfortable with something i dont like about myself being fetishised

My strikeout. I realise you've already sussed it, PW, but this is exactly the same whether the objectification is over body shape, skin colour, boob size, anything. You're bridling because you feel that to him you are a fat woman first, yourself second.

I felt exactly the same when I was super-fit and toned - only it was harder to get sympathy for that!! I've known more than a few women suffer being objectified for their big norks, and even one who realised her boyfriend wasn't interested in her when she took out her green contact lenses

He has jokingly talked about 'feeding' me

Terrifying. I'm really sorry because you must so want to be loved with and for your fat, but not only for it! But ... When a man tells you who he is: listen.

On a more cheerful note, there most certainly are men out there who prefer soft, squishy women but don't make a fetish out of it :) He isn't one of them.

No one should be judged solely on their looks but some men think that fat women are so desperate they will accept it.

Well I dont. And neither should you!

I hope you are ok!

Trust your instinct - and remember you are a blood wonderful woman who deserves true adoration and love.

i think i would end this. he's making you feel like shit. and continuing to do so.

eww, i can't imagine what he's saying in bed, but it's not nice is it.

Never, never ignore that uneasy feeling. It's there for good reason, I think your instincts are spot on.

He's a fat fetishist. He's not into you for the wonderful woman you are but he is into having you maintain and increase the rolls of fat that satisfy his craving.

Tell him you've found a miraculous diet on the internet that will enable you to instantly lose (his weight in sts/lbs). And then tell him to fuck off to the far side of fuck etc 'goodbye forever'.

I hope you are ok OP.

I have changed my mind since your revelations, sorry, he needs binning.

Arf @ izzy's miraculous diet!

I have told him we need to speak. I think i need to hear what he sats when i tell him how i feel. I'll be ale to tell his motivations from how he reacts.

Thank you all for the lovely messages

Hi Pinkle. Ive been reading your thread and im hoping that you are ok and have binned this "man" and i use that word in its loosest terms. You deserve better. Did you manage to talk to him about this? i hope he doesnt give you any hassle.

Oh good luck OP. I agree never to ignore those quiet deep down creeping feelings, they don't really ever get it wrong, & we ate all far too good at ignoring our instincts. Something is jangling your gut & it's great you are trying to work out what it is. Maybe he turns out to have really bad ways of expressing his desire for you... It maybe he's fetishisising the fat...

I think you are right, you ll know from his reaction if you tell him how uncomfortable & creeped out you are. But don't ignore whatever you find out, & if he says awful things try to be Teflon-girl & not let them stick.

Btw, I'm fat & really don't like it & feel it's the main reason I am not in a relationship, not exactly because I don't think anyone would fancy me, but because if they did they'd have to be fancying the fat, which is something I cannot be proud of. I am not just a but chubby, which would be different (in my head, i know alot is me not liking my body!), I feel Unhealthily fat, & that makes a relationship dynamic different if fat is a core 'thing' between two people.

especially if someone wanted to feed me, I'd be really freaked out cos its not healthy, if someone adores you they don't try & make you less healthy, more likely to develop illnesses, strain on body etc... That says I want to get my rocks off & will sacrifice your health / life/ best interests if it gets in the way. That's not a nice person, if that's who he is.

Ugh. He's a feeder. It's sinister and controlling.

I don't buy the 'fat and happy to be fat' line in any case. In our society, being fat is stigmatised. I can't belive it is something anyone would choose or be happy to accept.

believe. Keyboard playing up