grandparent favouritism - feeling peeved

[AmIDoingThisRight]

Situation is slightly complicated as we live overseas and don't often see grandparents whereas DN see them literally every single day. My two are clearly the less favoured - parents are short-tempered and irritable with them, yet DN can do no wrong. When they were here they had hour long webchat things in the middle of the day with DN and I feel stupidly jealous about this. My DS is older than DN but DD is same age (2).

Feeling very upset about this and don't know how to handle it. Please tell me this happens to others as am really upset about the whole thing at the moment. Not sure why it's come to a head just now. Had an early miscarriage at the beginning of the summer so not sure if it's my hormones still raging.

Have you pointed out the discrepancy? In my own very small family I've donated 1 grandson (12) and my brother has provided another (4). Even though I know DM thinks she's being even-handed, I do get twinges of jealousy if I think my nephew is getting better treatment. Sometimes it's irrational and sometimes I know it's my own sensitivity. But if I think anyone is genuinely getting preferential treatment I just point it out...

Welcome to my world. My DM takes out her issues with me by not being willing to put any effort into seeing my DD (no babysitting, only visiting if "properly" invited etc), but she will drop everything to look after my DN at no notice whenever my DB and SIL need it (every weekend as far as I can tell). She even takes days off work to take my step nephew all out around town but can't do anything with DD because she can't walk far!

I try not to let it bother me, but it's really hard when DD asks why granny never comes to babysit! I appreciate DB lives much closer, but I am only about 30 mins drive away!

My DM lives with us, and has since my DC were 10/11 - they gave her something to live for on a day to day basis, when we lost Dad and was getting herself back together.

She sees my DB's DC maybe 3/4/5 times and year, and loves them just as much. But on a practical note, they simply don't feel as comfortable with her, as they don't know her very well, and to a certain extent, visa versa. They have their own lives, school, hobbies, parties, and understandably dn't want to spend regular weekends travelling a couple of hours to see their Grandma, but it definitely has an impact on the closeness of their relationship.

If you DPs are short-tempered and irritable with your DC, I would try and talk to them about it calmly, and suggest that as time together is limited, they try and be more positive.

One other thing, if you're away, your DP presumably stay with you 24/7 when they're visiting, and we can all get mardy when with others all day and all night. Maybe they see your DN more regularly, but not for long spells of time, so don't get riled with her?

@MKP1 you may be suffering from the same problem I have which is that I am a girl and DB is a boy... .... i.e. girls (even single ones) can look after their own children without assistance but boys (esepcially those burdened with a less than satisfactory DIL) always need help with theirs. LOL!

My mother sees my nieces every single day, does school run, takes them out at weekend, buys them new shoes and clothes and feeds them three days a week. If I ask her to come to see us for the day instead of doing something with them, we live 100 miles away so I only ask her in an emergency or a very special occasion, she tells me I'm making her choose between her grandchildren and my sister would never put her in that position!!!

The worst though is when we're down there and Mum is playing a game with mine and my sister's kids turn up because she'll just stop playing and walk away to talk to the others. It is painful to watch and is very reminiscent of my childhood so I see her as little as possible, that might make the favouritism worse when we do see them but at least my kids and i don't get upset as often.

Grandparenting is a minefield but these are grown ups who should be able to think properly about what they're doing. I feel for you and your children OP.

Cogito, I'm in the opposite side of the spectre, MIL can't stand DP and has not seen DS more than once since he's born despite DIL (me) being more than unsatisfactory. However MIL spends every week end looking after the 4 DCs of SIL. But then again SIL is goldenchild and DP the scapegoat! And the entire farce is repeated generation after generation....

I agree that it is generations repeating themselves. MIL had a fav child and has a fav GC (my DD) and is a bit 'what are they like!' with my, imv, more fun DS and DD2.

Fortunately we have never lived near her but my DCs are on v good terms with their aunts and uncles and can see now they're adults that Granny has her less likeable traits!

Also think it seems that their love of, often, eldest son is passed onto a firstborn GC and the sun shines out of their fundament regardless of the other GCs which come along.

Actually we have never lived near either GPs and I don't feel my DCs missed out by only occasional visits.

My FIL favours one of our children over the other. He favours DS2 over DS1 who has is ASD and, in his eyes, will ever go to university or achieve what he thinks is success, whereas DS2 is "normal" and has "potential". FIL is all about appearances and material possessions and judges people's worth by how much money they appear to have or how many houses they own, not how decent and happy they are. The fact that he probably won't live to see whether DS2 (6) goes to uni or not seems to have passed him by the fucker

My Dm is the same. She favored some of her own kids over others (I was not one of the "lucky") and she does it with GCs too.

It is hard not to like some people more than others and I think for many GPs, they like the kids they see often or the kids who seem to best conform to their ideal of GCs. It's sad, but true!

My DM can't get along with my D niece, and they are like peas in a pod, it's hilarious!

My exMIL was the same towards my DC. Her own DD's children got preferential treatment, gifts and the like and often my DC's noses were rubbed in it by the "preferred" GC.

ExMIL own brother pulled her about it and nothing changed. So I stopped really engaging with her, seeing her every now and again.

I understand that mother's who gain a DIL know that the DIL has their own mother for support and can sometimes back off a little and not engage as much as they do in their DD's families but it's sometimes very cruel for the children involved.

On the other side of it though, I was very much a preferred grandchild from both sides. From my F's side it was because I was the only girl born for a long time and I was the first GC. And my DM's side because again I was the first DC and I lived with them for the first few years of my life. Family take the piss still now "blue eyed girl can do no wrong"