Angry with MIL on behalf of DP...

[HeeBeeGeebies]

However, I know there's nothing I can do/say but just wanted to vent and can't do so in RL. Have namechanged as I could "out" myself but god help me if MIL is on here!

There is a large backstory to this but I'm not going to go into it because it would probably end up as the longest OP in history.

My DP has had MH problems in the past and is emotionally quite difficult. A couple of years ago, after a really difficult year, DP went to see a therapist with my encouragement. It was great for him and really helped him to deal with what had happened to him during that year and also with some more deep seated problems. The therapy ended and his therapist wrote up a summary of their sessions and sent a copy to my home (we were not living together at the time and DP had no fixed address) and a copy was also sent to DPs family home (I'm not sure why).

I'm going to try and make this as brief as possible but don't want to make the situation unclear. Basically, due to MIL earwigging on a phone conversation between DP and FIL, MIL went into a complete meltdown (not unusual) and spent the majority of the phone call screaming at FIL in the background, threatening to leave him and bringing up things from the past (think 12 odd years ago) causing FIL to hide in the garden from her. I can't stress the insignificance of the phone call inrelation to MILs meltdown (it was about buying a new laptop). As I said this sort of behaviour is not unusual but I was quite shocked.

The next day a depressed FIL rang DP to discuss what had happened and after a long conversation, it came out that MIL had read the letter that DPs therapist had sent to their home. DP can't remember exactly what was in this letter, he is not even sure if he opened the copy that was sent there (they have form for opening his post ). He is however sure that there was a lot of information that he had given the therapist about his childhood and particularly his mother. FIL said that MIL was not happy with the contents of the letter and has been unhappy with DP since she read it and we have noticed a difference in her behaviour and the way she has treated DP since the time when she would have read it, although previously had no explanation of it.

I am absolutely horrified by this, it is wrong on so many levels. I know that occasionally we all read things we shouldn't, either accidentally or accidentally on purpose. But to sit and read a letter like that (it was pages long) is disgusting in my opinion. More disgusting is that MIL has taken it as an insult to her and is treating DP differently because of it. I only have one small child but I hope that if I ever read something similar to what was in that letter (obviously I never would!) the only thing that I would feel was sadness that that is what my son felt about me. Definitely not anger towards the child.

I feel so sad for DP, his is shocked and hurt. I have told him that he needs to speak to her, get an apology and explain how her treatment of him has made him feel. He doesn't want to and to be honest he probably wont. I feel that she needs to know that this sort of behaviour is not OK.

There is so much more to this that is probably relevant but I don't know whether I should go into it. Don't really know what I want people to say, I am just shocked and sad for my DP really.

I feel so sorry for you OP. I commiserate (entirely). However, you ahve to accept that she may never ackowledge her behaviour is not ok. I'm sure a few people will recommend you read Toxic Inlaws by Susan Forward or you can search the net for NPD (Narssistic Personality Disorder). One common trait of NPD is the need for control and the denial of having done / said anyting that could be hurtful or denagrating.
You are taking on a battle you won't win. Be careful and don't waste too much of your time and energy hoping for reconciliation or reconnaissance. if your MIL has NPD there is nothing you can do.

Thanks for the reply Jolly. I agree, I don't think she will ever accept that her behaviour is not OK. Which makes me sad but I also want DP to make one attempt at explaining how he feels. I think he needs to do that for himself, it is up to him though. She definitely has issues with control, which is illustrated by her reaction to a phone call which she was not a part of.

My DP wrote to his mum to explain how he felt (unloved and misunderstood) and she simply turned the table back on him with him agreeing "you are right it is probably my fault that you found it so hard to love me..." seriously nothing good will come out of it and the result might be even worse than where you are now...Beware, danger... Letting go is the only way I managed to deal with this.

:( that's so sad for your DP Jolly. Can I ask, does he still have contact with his mum?

Heebee,

re your comment:-

"Which makes me sad but I also want DP to make one attempt at explaining how he feels. I think he needs to do that for himself, it is up to him though".

I would suggest that your DP writes a letter to his mother AND NOT SEND IT. Destroy the letter afterwards. Your second sentence above is correct.

I would suggest you read Toxic Inlaws written by Susan Forward.

His mother like all toxic parents never accept any responsibility nor apologise for their actions. She has not listened before now and nothing has changed.

As JollyJumper states, letting go is the way forward. Surround yourselves with positive role models instead of negative people like his mother.

BTW neither you or he made his mother this way; that damage was done to her by her own birth family. BTW what if anything do you know about this woman's childhood?.

I have to agree with Jolly and Narcissistic Personality Disorder was the first thing that jumped into my head too.

You and your DP seem to have a very loving, communicative relationship so I would take heart from that and build upon it. Nurture each other. You and he simply will never change that woman.

I can absolutely understand why you're encouraging your DH to hold his mother to account, but I honestly think it could make things worse. He won't get what he or you want and deserve from her, and all a confrontation will do is cause further damage to old, old wounds.

You and your DP and your DC need protecting from any further abuse from your MIL. Build upon the strong, loving ties in your own family unit. Have as little to do with your MIL as possible. That, to me is the way to move forward from this.

Make a decision to take control of how, and when you have contact with her. I know it may seem that not confronting his mother, is the same as backing down, but it really and truely isn't. It's a sensible and protective measure to keep away from someone who you know to be deeply damaging.

Your DP is vulnerable. If his instinct is to keep away from her, I would support that feeling, and find some way to help him reconcile the inevitable guilt he must be feeling. Any chance of further therapy? Or even perhaps you two together?

OP to answer your question, yes DP still receives the odd letter from MIL at work so that I can't see them and every time she starts by belittling him and once again recounting all his faults as a dad and a human being and usually finishes with "but why do you hate me so". I have to actively stop myself thinking about her because she poisons my thoughts. it just hurts too much, so now everytime I start thinking about her I switch my thoughts to my DS and that brings a smile on my face instantly.
I wont gratify her by being miserable. I have told DP that I will support him in all his decisions even suggested meeting up with the witch for Christmas. But i have called her insane in the past and have shown DP literature about NPD that he has rejected. So I keep quiet about the subject now. he's hurt enough. I don't want him to be lonely too with his pain.

"I would feel was sadness that that is what my son felt about me. Definitely not anger towards the child. "

I totally agree, my Dh was in therapy when I met him due to severve depression - circumstantial caused by over bearing micro managing parents.

They blamed thier relationship with him at that time on a " sucide gene" in the family!!!! i,e that was why he was depressed!

NOw they blame it on me.

She took what the therapist said to her massivly to heart - not once has she shown my DH any sympahty or tried to alter her behaviour even a little to accomodate the fact he is his own person with his own needs!

She was still - only last year trying to force him to wear a suit to a funeral she chose - having FIL ringing up with chilling nasty messages to get the fucking suit!!!

This was inspite of already extremley strained relations between us all.

I would agree with others - do not try and engage her or get your DP to speak to her at all.

She has read the therapists letter - if that wont change her nothing on this earth will!!! NOTHING ON THIS EARTH WILL and it will make it worse.

The quicker you accept this and move on - the better.

I made the massive mistake - of thinking I could help build bridges between DH and his PILS _ trying to get to him to appreciate the good - accept and forgive the bad. I encouraged him to give nicer presents than he wanted to for bdays, mothers day - xmas etc, I always got him to ring mum, ask her over - include her - and dad.

Relations now are worse than we started - I dont speak to them at all
( yippee), and she blames me - for splitting up her family! Telling her friends I am competeting with her,

she is deluded! when i met DH he was soo bitter and hated them and didnt want his own children as he used to quote philip larkin, parents fuck you up! I wouyld love nothing more than to all get on, but I only got burned in six years of wasting my life and time trying.

Her friend told me once - she is " obsessed" with DH and told her friend years ago - " you dont need a good husband once you have a son"

says it all really!

Accept - move on, help him move on....let her cool down - see where you can go from there - but please listen to people - you will not change her - she will never see the light - if she could - you wouldnt be in the mess in the first place. At least your FIL is speaking to you and sounds reasonable!

Mine just enforces what mad MIL wants and tries to force it on us!

Hi,
Thanks for the replies.

Atilla, I really don't know much about her life at all to be honest, it is very difficult to engage in any proper conversation with her.

Jolly That sounds really difficult for both you and your DP :(.

Eliza LOL at "you don't need a good husband once you have a son".

I know you're correct about there being no chance in changing her. I guess I selfishly want her to face up to her behaviour and for her to feel sadness and greif. That is horrible but it frustrates me so much that she has made my DP so miserable and confused and there are no consequences, not even acknowledgement. This is now my own anger though and there really is no place for that within their relationship.