Argument with neighbours about pet

[NewishGirl]

We moved to a new area a few months ago because of dh's job. I think we were settling in ok but dh is working very long hours and I have been a bit homesick/lonely.

Near our house is an area they call 'the green' where a lot of the young kids hang out. My two also love playing there. They especially like a girl 'A'. A's mother and I also became quite friendly.

Then a stray cat appeared. The neighbours were worried and told all the kids not to touch it and it will move on. I felt sorry for the poor thing and fed it. Then I took it in. I got her checked out at the vet, she is healthy but no microchip. I have searched everywhere for her owners and tried to rehome her as we live in a rented house, so no pets. But no luck!

I felt the cat is pretty harmless. She is toilet-trained and quiet. I thought the neighbours would get used to her as all the kids love her but I was so wrong. Someone called and complained to the landlord who said either get rid of the cat or move out. That night I saw A's mother talking to another neighbour. I knew she was talking about me, then A's husband came over and told me that I was being selfish keeping the cat as if it poos outside and the children play in it, they will get sick and that we are not allowed pets in the rented house. I ended up walking away from him. I was really upset.

Since then I have kept the cat in the house. I'm pretty sure A's mother is avoiding me. I don't want to speak to her anyway. I saw her husband lurking outside, obviously trying to see if the cat is still here. He can't see in though. 'A' came over in the morning to ask if she could play with the cat but I just told her there was no cat and sent her home.

I don't know where to progress from here. I don't want to get the children involved in the argument as it is not their fault but I'm just really angry and upset with the neighbours. My husband says that as they are in the right, I should just get rid of the cat and move on but whenever I think about getting rid of her I just cry so much. I can't forgive the neighbour's, especially A's parents. I think they have totally over-reacted. I feel like if they try and speak to me, I'm going to totally lose my temper with them. So, my feelings of loneliness before are obviously even greater now.

I know, I should keep trying to find a new home for the cat and for the sake of the peace just try to keep things civil but I' struggling with this. I'm wondering if I can keep the cat inside and just keep avoiding the neighbours. I have also been thinking a lot about moving. My husband has been offered a new job in a different city. We could find a place that allows pets. I just don't know if I can face moving again so soon and the disruption to the kids.

Sorry this is so long! I actually just feel a lot better for typing it out.

If 'no pets' a term of your rental agreement then you were wrong to befriend and keep the cat. The neighbours would probably love pets of their own but are bound by the rules.... why should you have special treatment? If you're lonely, make friends with people, widen your social circle and participate in your community. If you're depressed, talk to your doctor. Take the animal to the Cat Protection League or similar and they will rehome it with someone. Your husband is quite right.

I do know I was wrong taking her in but she was crying so pitifully under my window. It broke my heart. I have asked at the local shelter and they said no, they are swamped. I have asked friends, I have asked family. No one can take her.

I love cats, I really do. And I think you are doing no harm and your neighbours aren't being very nice - if you keep it in the house and it doesn't affect them at all - but that's really all irrelevant. the situation is that your landlord has given you an ultimatum. THAT is what you are dealing with. Whether it should be like that, whether the neighbours are petty, etc - doesn't matter. Situation is what it is. If you are in breech of your tenancy by keeping the cat and they report you, what will happen?

Are you willing to allow that to happen in order to keep the cat? That's what you have to face. your landlord has made it very plain.

Are you saying that you will see your children made to move out of their home rather than take the cat to be rehomed?

Perhaps you should look for somewhere else to live? Somewhere that allows pets? I couldn't love an animal and then let them go, but you took it in and came to love it knowing it was against the rules.

I feel really sorry for you, I've moved to new areas and it's hard when you don't know anyone. But there are things you can do to meet people. Do a night class, join a club, take up a hobby, go to mumsnet local or netmums meet a mum.

x-post.

I'm a big softie too when it comes to animals. If I wasn't firm with myself, we'd have a zoo here by now!

What about offering the shelter money to take her? Explain the situation and offer them a good donation? Or look for other shelters and offer them one to help you?

They don't sound very nice, they sound interfering. I have no idea whether my neighbours are allowed pets or not - it's none of my business.

Thanks. My daughter is only little so it's hard to get out much and we are on such a tight budget. I can't afford to join a gym or travel to see friends. I have looked for baby groups but I work part time so it's hard to work out the timing. My husband is away a lot and never home in the evenings so I do everything. He is tired or away at weekends.

Our house is lovely and it is a good area. I was making friends before this happened. Now lots of the neighbours are blanking me and I feel that is harsh.

The man at the shelter was really nice and offered to help me rehome the cat.

I just don't know how to progress with the neighbours. I'm really upset with them and that's more the reason I have been thinking about moving. It's stressfull living with people I am so angry at even though I do know it's my fault and I'm not being rational. Perhaps I will get over it in time.

I have noticed before that A's mother sometimes moved things or changed things and at the time I felt she was being helpful but know it feels she was perhaps being controlling. I probably just need a hobby or a better job or something.

Thanks for the help

" I have asked at the local shelter and they said no, they are swamped."

All cats will cry pitifully if they think there's a prospect of food. Widen your search to adjacent towns and different organisations. Talk to your local vets. Maybe they know someone that has lost their pet and would welcome a replacement? Now that you've wrongly adopted this animal it's your responsibility to move it safely on. If your heart's not in it, ask your DH to help you.

Talk to your neighbours and tell them the cat is being rehomed. If you knwo they were right, swallow your pride and apologise. Say you didn't realise it was against the rules. Go round with a cake or something... the usual things people do when they're trying to ingratiate themselves. You can make a fresh start with them quite easily.

I'm sorry, I seem to be on my own here but I think the whole thing is ridiculous. What a load of interfering busy bodies! It's a cat for heavens sake not a wild lion!
I think your neighbours are a bunch of arse holes and personally I wouldn't bother with them at all, can't stand folk more interested in other peoples lives than their own
That said, they have only left you with 2 choices - move or rehome the cat.

What means more to you, staying put or keeping puss?

I think if I swallowed my pride and toed the line the neighbours would forgive me but I can't forgive them. I just don't know if I want to be part of their little Stepford wives crew. So, in that sense, I would rather widen my circle and make friends elsewhere but things are awkward here.

Like DowagersHump said, I couldn't give a damn what my neighbours do in their homes. None of my business. Why do they care so much what I do? It's difficult because A really loves my daughter and plays with my son. I don't want things to be awkward for them.

Landlord doesn't check the property. Only if someone calls him.

Which country are you in OP?

Thanks Aspiemum. Cat has done no damage to the property unlike my son who has done loads.

Obviously there are loads of other factors in whether to move or not such as seeing more of my husband, more money but may mean another move again in a few years. Better neighbours, worse neighbours? Who knows?

they sound horrible and nosey! i have some elderly nosey neighbours and they drive me mad.

let them play, its not the kids fault, but i would be very cool and polite, so that the parents know i am not forgiving them.

poor kitty!

It is ridiculous. But that doesn't change the facts. Landlord been clear + Pets against the rules + Petty neighbours = ?

Got to deal with it how it is, not how it should be, and the reality is she could be asked to leave if the cat doesn't go.

Petty? Maybe. Ridiculous? Maybe. But that's no consolation when you're handed your notice to quit.

Newishgirl - when this is over, I really wouldn't bother trying to make friends with the neighbours again. The type of people who would strain to see into your window to see if you have broken a rule are not the type of people who would enrich your life by being in it.

Are the neighbours renting from the same landlord?

"Better neighbours, worse neighbours? Who knows?"

If the new place has a 'no pets' rule and you adopt more stray, keep expecting to find neighbours take an unwelcome interest in you. I'm sorry, but having had a friend that was left partially-sighted after contracting toxoplasmosis when pregnant, I probably have a slightly jaded opinion. Don't suppose you've had this cat vaccinated?

When you signed the tenancy agreement you agreed to abide by the no pet clause. I'd b really pi55ed off if I was your landlord. It's not just about damage, it is about animal hair, and keeping the property suitable for people who have allergies. Once you move out the property has to be re let so these things matter. Landlords who accept animals also take a pet deposit to cover extra cleaning and damage - your landlord might come round if you offered to pay this.

You seem to think that because you are lonely you are above things like tenancy agreements. Reality check, you are not. The cat has to go, or you do. This isn't about neighbours at all.

Im with Aspiemum.

Yes you shouldnt have taken it in. But my god. Are they so bored with their own lives that they have to stick their nose into yours?

Im having similar problems myself with neighbours who seem to think they can come round and tell us how to live (we arent the first they have done it to) and it makes me so angry. I keep myself to myself and wish others would do the same.

I hope you get sorted OP. Dont get friendly with them again. When the cat is gone what will be next?

Op good for you taking the cat in. Shows compassion. And come on please who doesn't break rules? So many perfect people about.

I'd be more worried living amongst such mealy mouthed people. Poor you. Guess. you need to meet some kinder more decent folk in the area, theyll be out there somewhere. Local parks, woods etc usually bring out a wider range of folk.

Good luck and ignore the ignorant & superior ones

Thanks, yes I got the cat vaccinated and 'done'. It was an expense we couldn't really afford but felt whatever happened it was the right thing to do.

I don't have a problem with the landlord. We do have the same landlord. It is a company rather than an individual.

I don't think I am above the rules. I guess it felt as we weren't really doing any harm, it was ok. We can smoke in the house and there is damage from the kids but the cat is not ok. It just seemed a bit silly.

I have been feeling a bit down since the summer holidays ended and the move. I just mentioned this as I wasn't sure if I was being irrational or not. I do have a lot of positive things going on in my life too. I just have been obsessing over this cat issue and its just not healthy. I've also been feeling so angry towards the neighbours and that's not healthy either. I felt childish for avoiding the neighbours and not talking to them but then they have been avoiding me too. It just all seems ridiculous. We lived in our last place for 10 years and never had any problems like this.

I think some things that bothered me was that the neighbour didn't speak to me herself, she avoided me, spoke to the neighbours about me and then sent her husband over to deal with me. Her husband spoke to me like a child and accused me of being socially irresponsible. I don't see how starting an argument is being socially responsible. it annoyed me he was hovering around checking up on me. If the neighbour had just spoken to me and asked me to keep the cat in or away from her daughter, I would have been ok about that. We were friends she didn't need to report me to the landlord.

When you're living in close proximity to people and everyone's subject to the same rules, it can quickly put noses out of joint if you break those rules. Some rules like 'no pets' might seem draconian but, if you're in a place with a communal garden and everyone had a dog or cat, it could get nasty. Where I live there's a 'no bonfire' rule. Neighbours are all lovely and we respect each other's privacy but, if I was to start burning things in the garden, I'm sure I'd get a knock on the door. Your new friend (and you've only been there a few months) was a bit cowardly to send round the husband rather than talk to you herself but two wrongs don't make a right.

I have relatives with asthma and am allergic to cats myself, so I'm not cat lover, and can see why cats annoy people. ESPECIALLY if they poo in public places where children play. Meh.

My parents however have done exactly as you have and taken in a stray. I don't like it, but i can see their point of view. Sounds as if neither you nor the neighbours are considering other people's points of view.

None of this changes the following facts:-

1. You are breaching your agreement. The cat has to go. End of.
2. If you want to get on with the neighbours, one side has to be the bigger person and back down
3. If one side doesn't pass the olive branch you are not going to get on with the neighbours and will need to develop a plan to whether live with it, or move on.

You have to stop focusing on whether you have been wronged or not, and focus instead on what you are going to do.

What Aspiemum said, what a bunch of po-faced miseries to dob you in to your landlord over a cat. They sound horrible and you sound very kind. I'd move somewhere nicer with the cat. I rent and I have cats, it doesn't have to be a problem.

To be honest the neighbours sound a bit weird and obsessive. And it really isn't any of their business. My neighbour has got cats. Sometimes they crap in my garden. Yes it pisses me off. But I think if she used a litter tray it would cut down on that.
Why don't you ask the landlord if you can keep the cat if you make good any damage / extra cleaning. I used to be a landlord, and I had a no pet clause in the contract. But I agreed to one of the tenants keeping a cat as long as she made good any damage/cleaning. Its a cat, not a mountain lion.

Ps. my husband would love it if we moved. He is also lonely working such long hours and travelling. I was the one who wanted to stay and settle because of the kids. It was bad timing that just after moving the new opportunity appeared.

It is ridiculous making a huge life decision like moving just because of a stray cat. I kind of wonder if the cat is a catalyst though and maybe there is something subliminal going on. We have a nice house, I enjoy my part-time job ok, the kids are great but I do wonder if this is my life? I desperately want to go back to uni but can't afford to and I worry about how to cope with a proper job with kids and my husband being so work-focused even though I know others do it.

I'm just a natural worrier. I constantly fret if I am doing the right thing, should I be doing something else. My husband is very self-confident and makes snap decisions, I agonise for months over every detail.