When do you tell new somebody about the children?

[JustMeAndTwo]

Have known a guy for a few weeks getting on well but no need to mention children (two) before now.

However now it's getting to the point it's difficult to not tell him

If it scares him off that's fine there's nothing I can do about that! But should I tell him now? He seems quite keen so I want to be honest. But at the same time there's no need for me to tell him really? I don't know where this is going yet so it's just nice to have some company-surely he doesn't need to know about the kids if we're just spending time together!

I'm seeing him tomorrow should I tell him? I guess if I do tell him and it scares him off I will be a little upset as its been nice spending some time with somebody

Tell him. Your kids are your life.....nothing to be ashamed of. If he doesn't like it then good riddance to him.

I think I would do it sooner rather than later. It doesn't mean he has to meet them yet. But they are part of YOU! If you want an honest relationship - surely you would want him to know about them?!

For real? Yes, tell him! What are you going to do if things carry on going well and he wants to come over one evening - shove them in a cupboard? If things never get serious then he's got no reason to be scared off, you're not asking him to play mummies and daddies (and if he's that jumpy then best you find out now). And if it does start getting serious, you'll feel like a prize numpty suddenly revealing your big secret when you've already been seeing him for weeks and weeks.

Might just be me, but I'd thought your kids would be a topic for first date conversation, meself.

I agree that you should mention the children as soon as possible.

If it is casual, it's not a problem.

If it has legs to go long term, then he definitely needs to know now, or he'll feel that you have been lying to him.
And if he is to go, he better go now than later.

Following on from leguminous, why didn't you tell him about your dc within a short time of meeting him?

Where did you meet him?

I always told people from the word go. Not in a scary way. Just a mention casually in conversation way.

Then if they were gunna have a problem neither of us had invested anything in it.

Only two had a problem. Out of loads (but Im not a slut) and actually they were the nicest two (except DP ofcourse)

So tell him!

It's always been about the first thing I tell people. I think I would find it very odd if I were seeing someone for a few weeks before they mentioned they had children.

Thank you for all your replies!

Please be kind unfortunately I fear my reality check radar has been broken by my fuckwit ex

I met him in a nightclub and have seen him once since but we've text in the meantime. We're meeting tomorrow

I will tell him tomorrow :)

Please don't slaughter me I feel embarrassed enough as It is-35 and meeting men in nightclubs

There's nothing whatsoever embarrassing or infra dig about meeting men in nightcubs no matter what age a woman may be.

Unlike online dating sites, the advantage of RL pulling encounters is that you get to see the goods in the flesh before making a decision as to whether you want to examine them more closely engage in any dialogue

Thank you izzy :) its very new and scary and tentative here. It was a random encounter, I was out with friends and didn't have chance to speak to him that night really. I like what I've seen and heard so far

I don't want anybody to think I'm embarrassed about my children I'm most certainly not! Just need to work out how this dating malarky works as a single mum so thank you for your replies they have helped

hopefully I can examine him more closely tomorrow

Whoops, sorry if I came across a bit snippy, OP. Nothing at all wrong with meeting men in nightclubs, and in any case, 35 is not exactly one foot in the grave! Try to have faith that it's OK to be yourself - all of yourself, family life and all - and you won't be sad or daft or undesirable. If anyone gets panicky about the idea of dating a mum, that really is them, not you. You can't hide it indefinitely, and better to prune out the ones with a problem early on!

No no please don't apologise! I just feel teeny bit embarrassed about this dating stuff

Unfortunately due to ex my confidence has clearly taken a battering too-bordering on me feeling a little undesirable. I definitely need to build that confidence back up and you're saying all the right things! Thanks :)

Anyway let's see how it goes; I may even post an update if I'm feeling brave enough

Actually my confidence has taken a massive battering due to ex and I'm really working on that

When it comes to forming relationships with strangers there is a case to be made for not revealing of one's previous relationship history, as it were, until such time as you've met their friends/family and are generally assured they are what they claim to be.

On reflection I suggest you take your cue from him; if he begins a conversation about his ex(s) this should provide you with the opportunity to mention yours and your dc. Alternatively, if you haven't done so already, you could ask him if he has dc as your opening gambit.

Be careful, honey. Having low self-confidence can lead to being too trusting of men in general.

Do come back if you've got any concerns about this or any other guy and get them checked out by those on this board who can spot the teensy tiniest red flag from hundreds of miles away, and by those whose twat radar is set to such extreme sensitivity that it pings through the ether

Thank you for taking the time to reply and your sound advice I'm taking it all on board

I completely agree that low self confidence is a bit of a magnet for fuckwits and I assure you my radar is switched on a hopefully fully working

It was this board that alerted me to the fact my ex was a fuckwit (I knew all along really and protected myself work wise and financially) and who helped me get rid of him and move on. It's been a year now and I'm a different person. I'm finally read to dip my toe in the man water again

I will probably tell him tonight but at the appropriate time-that's pretty much the reason why I haven't told him so far, I haven't spent that much time with him yet and there was never an opportune moment without it sounding totally random. We've enhanced texts since I saw him last but I'd rather tell him face to face. I think it best he knows now so that if it's a problem I don't invest anymore time. If its casual (which I would be happy with until I know him better) then it shouldn't be a problem

The only thing that has worried me is that he is very keen-he has text me every day since I saw him and showered me with compliments but maybe I'm not used to interacting with somebody who is actually kind and considered? Perhaps that is another thread altogether! Is that usually a red flag? I think I probably just need to chill and see how it goes

I have also sought the advice of two friends in rl and they don't think it's odd he's very keen but then it still is very early days

I love this early stage but hate it too!

You could just drop it in a text totally random like 'I am doing with my kids this eve' (I have done this before and it was fine)
BUT in future my advice is to just get it out there asap like almost as soon as you've met them. You'll find ways to get it into the convo naturally as you get more experienced
FWIW I was way beyond 35 when I started meeting men and have met some in nightclubs
Sounds like the main thing here is you need to work on building up your own self esteem and being kind to yourself. Good luck

Mention them tomorrow, something similar to what sarah suggested. On a separate note of course you should be proud of them but do concentrate of being the wonderful woman you are, it is easy to slip into Mummy mode in your enthusiasm and talk endlessly about toilet training their charms and early dates are all about you

There's keen that's comes from a place of straightforward honest dealing and there's keen that comes from an entirely different place.

Among others, the different place houses cocklodgers, chancers, posers, the excessively emotionally needy, and those who use flattery to encourage unnatural dependence as a stepping stone to excercising total control over their victims.

None of those characters are ones that you want in your life and if you conclude that it won't hurt for him to not know about your dc until you know more about him, I'd be inclined to agree with you.

Judging from the numerous dating threads on this board, keenness in the male of the species is in short supply and, coupled with other tales of utter tossers told here with alarming regularity, maybe that's why I'm seeing your new swain with unnecessarily jaded vision.

On the premise of better safe than sorry, I suggest you err on the side of caution for a while longer.

Well I told him! Didn't bother him in the slightest (quite right too)

It was within a natural conversation-he asked me if I live alone I told him no I have two children, he asked a few questions about them and that was it really. I feel much happier, it almost feels I have overcome a hurdle in this new life I am living (without ex). Next time I will mention a lot sooner and find it a lot easier I'm sure

He is still very keen-has text me everyday since friday-all very pleasant and complimentary-maybe he wears his heart on his sleeve? He seems very genuine but I do understand this may not be the case. I have my red flag radar on and fully charged and of course always have mn (thank goodness!)

Thanks again for all your sound advice and posts. I feel very happy :) feel like I deserve some happiness after all the crap I've had over the past six years!

Milk it for what it's worth Enjoy it while it lasts, honey. Karma owes you and I sincerely hope this is payout time for you [smile

!