How can I advise my friend to get rid?

[Teansympathy]

Hi I need some advise please from you clever ladies on here, my good friend who I have known for 12 years in working capacity, ask me for coffee the other day, she then told me about her live-in partner of 8 years .
He is abit older than her divorced with 2kids, she has never been married and no children, HE does not pay towards HER mortgage OR the bills, says he has to help his kids who are 30 and 34 and independent. My poor friend is carrying him he will not even discuss marriage , BUT she wants a commitment and it is really hurting her , she is a lovely person and gives so much of her time to everyone, I feel she does not deserve to be treated in this way, she acknowledges this but is afraid if she speaks up she will lose him, she now wants to meet up again and I am at a lose as to what to say, because I dont want to hurt her anymore than she is hurting, so if anyone has a few words of advice I would really appreciate , thanks for reading this post.

Your role as a friend is to listen to her, support her in her decisions, and be a shoulder to cry on should it be needed. It is ok to ask her 'why?' questions but never ever advise or tell her what to do. Relationships are complicated, people must make their own decisions.

...you can't. I agree with Panicnot. A close friend has a 'd'h with more unpleasant and controlling features than you could shake a stick at. Some of us who're fond of her think she'd be better off dumping him but we know she won't, so we stick to being her friend and supporting her through the tricky times. We raise issues sometimes, just to let her know that we know...iykwim, and to flag up that we'd be there for her whatever her decision.

Thanks this is what i have been doing I just really feel for the girl and no-one else knows at work and it will stay that way, ho hum no not going to advise her a si relaise how delicate the human scene is , just sometimes wish i did not feel so helpless , when i see others suffering , but i really appreciate your wise words
of wisdom and yea as a friend i will support her no matter what.

You sound like a caring friend who's trying her best. I wonder whether your pal is starting to open up a bit to you ? I'm sure she really values your friendship and support; if I were you Id ask a few gentle yet pointed questions just to see if she wants to say more, then take your cue from her response.

Thanks Anniedunne, you have hit it on the head she has opened up aloth obviously needed to talk to someone about it, and admit that her situation is driving her nuts , and yea I will be doing exactly that prodding her gently with a few equiries as to where she wants to go with it all.

You may not be able to tell her what to do but be honest with her about how it sounds to you.
There's no use pussy footing around it, an arsehole is an arsehole no matter which way you look at it.
I would say "personally I wouldn't put up with that in a long term relationship" " I don't find that very fair nor acceptable" or words to that effect. I wouldn't go in with the "he's a bastard ,leave him" though as she doesn't sound ready to hear that yet. Maybe ask her what she fears by losing him? how does she feel about spending the next 10/20 years in the same situation?
You sound like a caring good friend OP, keep supporting her and hopefully soon she'll see him for what he is a cocklodging dickhead
Good luck x

Yea good advice thanks Dondon, I did tell her i would not put up with it , but dont know what she thought , it just sort of popped out , cos I was shocked at what she told me and sorry for her in hiding it all this time, it is like she is embarrassed or ashamed of the situation, will see how it goes and let her talk it out hopefully like you say she will come to a resolve sooner rather than later thanks again.

When my H was having an affair, and refusing to give up the OW a good friend said nothing to me other than 'why do you want him back?'. Boy did that open my eyes.... I couldn't think of one reason that would stand up to scrutiny.

I'm not sure I'd have reacted well to her saying 'well I wouldn't stand for that'. It's not about what you would or wouldn't do, it's about your friend.

I'd say stay off the 'I wouldn't' and judgy comments, she will be really hurting, she knows all the things you want to tell her, but she loves him. Just keep asking her questions, and let her do the thinking herself.

Mmm that was good story panicnotanymore , yea i know it is not about me , as i said it just popped out and I regretted it the moment i said it i was just shocked and felt for her, this time i will be more prepared and hold my council , thanks for that it all helps.

I do see your point Panicnot about the "I wouldn't" but if it's done honestly and with empathy then it can help Teans friend to see that it's not normal and she doesn't "have to" endure her situation.
Sometimes the truth does hurt and it may not always be what we want to hear but unless someone specifically says "I don't want/can't deal with an opinion at the moment, I just need to offload" then potentially, saying something can help to see things clearer, sooner. iyswim. It is easier said than done though when a person has lived with it for so long.

A few years back I found out that a friend was receiving emotional and sexual abuse (and occasionally physical) from her DH. He was treating her like absolute shit. When she first started opening up to me about it, I was very careful not to upset her with my own opinion, even though my heart bled for her, I just listened and suggested things to try and improve her life a little and give her something to enjoy and rebuild her confidence ( I actually re-took my GCSE maths and English exams a few years back, even though I didn't need to, as I'd signed up for courses with her because she was too nervous to do it alone after years of him calling her stupid, she actually believed him )

Anyway, around a year after first opening up to me, one day when were out...she started panicking about being home for 2pm, she was getting more and more anxious the closer to that time, When I asked what was so important she told me that she HAD TO be back so DH could get his daily leg over. EVERY day at 2pm she was expected/forced to lay back and think of England, whether she wanted to or not and not always with her consent. I was so shocked and I said something like "you know that's not normal loving behaviour from a H, don't you?" and gently let her know that she didn't have to put up with it, help was available.
I actually felt guilty that I hadn't been more open, honest and vocal sooner, it's stupid I know but I felt a little like I was enabling her H to continue because I sat and listened, nodding my head for so long

He is now her ex, it took her another 18mths to put a plan in place and leave him and she's never been happier and recently has started dating again.

Don't feel bad for saying 'I wouldn't put up with that'... tell the truth and shame the devil and all that. It was honest. What might get through is if you summarise what she says back at her and ask questions.

Her "He doesn't pay toward the mortgage or bills"
You "That sounds like a freeloader. Are you happy with that arrangement?"
Her "I'm worried if I say anything, he'll leave me"
You "What exactly worries you about being alone?"

etc.

Donno and Cognito a big thanks for sharing your words and experience of others that have not been fairlly treated , tomorrow is D-Day so I feel prepared better than last time , so heres hopeing she can open up alittle bit more to me ,and feel better for having someone to listen and share .Thanks everyone such a big help to me.

You are a very lovely friend, and your friend will never forget that you were there for her. I have two friends, who like you were there for me when I needed them and I credit them with the fact I got through the rough times and came out tougher and stronger and not even remotely broken.

Aww thanks panicnotanymore , I just beleive one should stick by a friend as heaps happened to me years ago , but I do not forget what it is like to be suffering and feeling alone with the world when faced with insurmountable problems at the time, I appreciate your kid words thankyou x