Can you see someone else's pov? (Long, boring)

[ElephantsOlympianParty]

A very good friend of mine, who I would love to be able to discuss things with in detail, really does my head in with the way that if what I'm trying to discuss is at odds with what he's experienced he just dismisses what I say out of hand. As I'm not divorced nor have children like him I can't, in his opinion, have problems, and thus he just ignores what I'm saying.

I thought I'd had a breakthrough a few months ago. I have always got on far better with older people than myself. Both male and female. I invariably find older blokes more attractive than blokes my age, both looks and personality wise. I look at my contempories who have partners of a similar age and I just can't see myself in their position. As much as I might like their men they just all seem far too young to me and I really wouldn't want to live with someone my age. It is just how I am. My good friend knows this, and has done for years, but constantly tells me that I don't really mean it and I should just go out and find a boyfriend my own age.

He has often told me he wouldn't have a relationship with someone more than ten years his junior. I have never tried to "argue" this (I don't see what there is to argue - it's his own personal feeling). In a recent discussion about this, and my needing a boyfriend my own age, I asked him why his views on not wanting a much younger gf were any more valid than mine on wanting an older bloke. He prefers women his age, I prefer blokes ten years older than me. IMO these two views were equally valid. He couldn't accept this at first, but did, eventually, concede the point.

But that was obviously a one-off. Last night we were discussing sex and penetration, and he said he'd kill anyone who tried to penetrate him. It's just not for him, and it's definitely a male-female things as women like to be penetrated in every orifice whereas men don't.

Now, I was assaulted by two different blokes when I was younger which has left me with huge issues about judgement and trust. The thought of anyone wanting to have sex with me horrifies me, as it could, potentially, mean things get out of my control (again) and things are done to me which I can't stop. So I tend to avoid men, and relationships, as at least that way I'm in control. (This close friend is not interested in me in the slightest, so I'm 'safe' in his company.) I've tried telling this friend what I think, but he's always dismissed it out of hand, and told me, once again, to get a boyfriend.

So, last night when he was talking about this I thought I finally had the weapons in my arsenal with which to get my point across, at last. So I told him that I'm like him to a certain degree. I can't stand the thought of being penetrated in the main.

His answer: he couldn't "accept" it. I was thinking WTAF is there to accept, or not. This is what I feel. I wish I didn't, but I can't help it.

What am I asking? Is there something wrong with me, expecting other people to realise that I have my own point of view? Is there any way I can get this through to him, or do I have to accept that some things are beyond his comprehension? (He's not the only person who ignores what I say btw).

Should I just go and find an cave of my own, far from anyone?

He sounds like a self-involved knob, and a frightfully misogynistic one.

What are you getting out of this friendship?

As for your question: no cave required. There are plenty of respectful people in the world.

However, you have to ask yourself why you are trying to get blood out of a stone, trying to get such a narcissistic person to realise that you have your own point of view. If he won't realise it, he won't. Time to move on.

I'm sorry to hear about your assaults. Have you had any therapy to deal with it? Abuse of any kind can foster co-dependency, and I wonder if that is part of what is keeping you hooked to this knobbish friend.

Thanks you two. I have a thread about the assaults in chat. I needed to know they were assaults before starting this thread.

I've been in counselling for 2 years. We mainly talk about my mother (toxic) but this bloke does feature. As do the assaults. I tend to ignore the assaults as I don't believe their serious enough to consider (hence the paragraph above).

What do I get out of the friendship? Who knows? He is a good friend, and does a lot for me, but he has many, many issues himself. There is also the fact that I know he will hurt me and in a way that fact is comforting. I've given a lot to our friendship and I know my investment will be worthless in the long run, but at least I know that now and can prepare.

The person you're describing lacks empathy, can't sympathise, is ego-centric and doesn't respect your opinion. Whatever other qualities they posess, they are basically the wrong person to open up to. I really don't understand why you are happy with the idea that he will hurt you. For someone with your history, you need to surround yourself with people who a) like you and b) can at least empathise, even if they don't entirely understand. This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship at all.

Apart from the fact that this man sounds awful, I would urge you to reconsider how you're dealing with these rapes in counselling: you say you don't consider them important enough to talk about and yet you also say that they have left you feeling repulsed by penetration, horrified at the idea of a man wanting to have sex with you and feeling fearful of relationships because of issues around control and vulnerability. They are huge issues, not trivial! Those are classic traumatic responses of a rape survivor and regardless of anything this man says or doesn't, you are not going to be able to cope with any relationship whilst you are still so badly affected. You are concentrating on the wrong thing; you should be focussing on healing yourself about these issues, not on what that idiot says. You are using this worry and anger on him as a displacement activity to allow you not to deal with the bigger issues.

Dealing with what he said IS important, yes, because he sounds like an awful person and not someone you should be friends with, especially as someone with your past, but the most important thing here is that you start to deal with these attacks. If you don't deal with them in counselling, the damaged part of you will keep unconsciously seeking out people like him who are unhealthy for you to be friends (or more) with.

TBH, if there's anything wrong with you is that you know this man will hurt you and you're still friends.

You need to let him go and find new friends.

He seems awful.

This sounds like a destructive relationship you have with this man

You need to stop trying to work through your previous sexual assaults with him, and do it with someone who is professionally-qualified to help you

This "good" friend sounds like a headfuck and a bit of an inadequate twat, tbh

Dump him, and find yourself a good counsellor

Start with Rape Crisis, and good luck x

What AnyFucker said.