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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husbands insecurities are tearing us apart .....................

13 replies

fullofanger · 19/03/2006 12:46

I am a regular but have name changed as I don't want to be recognised in RL.

To cut a long story short my husband has always been very insecure. His Mother had affairs and therefore he beleives all women simply can not be trusted. When we first met he was terrible. Didn't like me going out without him, and even if I was with him would accuse me of staring at and fancying other men. Don't quite know how we got throgh it but we did.

Over the years he has got better, but it's still there. He still asks questions when I've been out, and not just 'did you have a nice time?' He wants to knoe if anyone chatted me up, asked me if I wanted a drink, etc etc. He also asks the same question twice or more asif to imply I lied the first time I answered.

I have always been loyal and faithful to him and am not even a flirt by nature so his insecurities are totall unfounded. I can't keep counselling him through this because now I simply resent him for teating me like this Sad He thinks there is nothing wrong with his attitude, and when I get mad and shout at him he looks at me asif I'm a loony and asks why I'm getting angry, and calls me a maniac. He thinks his attitude is completely normal and can't undrestand why I should be pissed off.

This morning I took the kids top church and he stayed at home. The service was longer than normal and we had a drink afterwards so were home an hour later than normal. First thing he said when we walked through the door was 'where have you been?' and started asking me whon was there and who I talked to. He then said was the xxxxx there (a guy who I know through church who dh has an issue with for some unknown reason) I said yes, so he said was his wife there, I said yes. He asked me again if his wife was there and I said yes. To which he replied, "I don't think she was" (insinuating little tete a tete between me and said man)

He then said "You have spent longer than necassary at church, and I wonder why......."

FFS, I was at church, I am so mad and angry with him and am beginning to realise he will never change.

It's tearing us apart, he makes it very difficult for me to love him and I'm scared I don't want to be with him any more. Sad

He is a wonderful Father and adores our children, but I feel drained.

Don't know what I expect anyon eto say, but just need to offload really.

Thanks for reading this.

OP posts:
Radley · 19/03/2006 12:51

I don't know what to say, but felt I had to post.

I don't blame you wanting to offload, for goodness sake, if you and your child cannot stay at church and have a drink afterwards without being treated like this etc then there is something wrong.

Like you mentioned you are not a flirt by nature and your husband must know this from the way you got together and you have never given him reason to doubt you.

Would your dh consider counselling? or maybe even relate.

I hope your day gets better for you.

noddyholder · 19/03/2006 12:53

He3 has real problems and needs to address them for your sake and his own I lived with someone years ago who was like this(not dp)and it was a nightmare although I was very young and thought it meant he loved me so much he was jealous.It eventually ended when i found out he had had numerous affairs over the years whilst I was completely faithful and in the dark about his antics.Tell him what you have said here and maybe suggest counselling/relate

Nbg · 19/03/2006 12:54

I think some sort of counselling has to be the answer here.
It's sad because you obviously understand why he's doing it but he seems to have no idea from your post.

Have you spoke about it to him before?

Original poster
fullofanger · 19/03/2006 13:10

Oh yes, we always talk about it. Generally our biggest rows are about this very issue. It takes me to be practically hysterical for it to sink in. Then he apologises and promises to change.

One big circle, round and round and round......

OP posts:
WideWebWitch · 19/03/2006 13:19

I think counselling is a good idea, this behaviour isn't normal and he needs an impartial 3rd party to help him realise it. Poor you.

fairyfly · 19/03/2006 13:24

Get him to read \link{http://www.accel-team.com/pygmalion/index.html\this} and \link{http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-fulfilling_prophecy\this}

NotQuiteCockney · 19/03/2006 13:39

What happens if you question him the same way? I'm not suggesting you pick it up as a regular policy, but I wonder how he'd feel about being "interrogated" after every time he's out.

He really needs counselling. You might want to start with couples counselling, to try to sort out this problem you both have, in theory, but really, he's got to talk through what happened with his mum and the effect it's had on his life.

monkeytrousers · 19/03/2006 13:57

I wouldn't recommend giving him a taste of his own medicine - with all the best will in the world, he's clearly a bit nuts about this and you shouldn't jeopordise your logical and morally superior position on this to get even. That's always a bad idea. I agree he needs counseling.

MeerkatsUnite · 19/03/2006 18:51

His Mum has caused the underlying insecurities by her behaviour as an adult when your DH was a child. It has affected him deeply. At heart he thinks that you will do as his Mum did.

He without any doubt at all needs counselling; both individually and with you also.

Relate is a good place to start and I would also recommend you read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward. This deals at some length with dysfucntional relationships.

monkeytrousers · 19/03/2006 19:34

I agree to a point Meerkat but mostly think he just needs to grow up! We can't blame our parents for everything we do as adults.

verysadthistime · 19/03/2006 19:40

yes he needs help to understand how this condition is common and has certain patterns.

believe me he doesn't enjoy where he is at, the constant pain of the negaitve thoughts are tearing him.

For the sake of your future this must be addressed by professionals, otherwise this path only ever leads to one place.
seperation.

Then as someone has mentioned, it becomes a self fullfilling prophecy, and he'll go away and console himself with only one crumb " I was right".

and that is no compensation for losing a good relationship.

Get him to the professionals as quick as you can

vstt

MeerkatsUnite · 19/03/2006 19:50

Monkeytrousers,

"We can't blame our parents for everything we do as adults".

Our parents play a huge part in how we as adults see things in terms of relationships. We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents; they are our primary influence.

His Mother's errant behaviour when he was a child has deeply unsettled him and has created feelings of abandonment. She left him a deeply damaging legacy.

I hope he finds it within himself to have counselling.

monkeytrousers · 20/03/2006 08:38

Oh, I agree MKU, (from bitter experience) but one of the first things you need to do to get over it is to let the blame go and take responsibility for yourself.

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