Puzzled over change in DH

[riamay2011]

Background - me and my DH have been together for 4 yrs and have 2 DD under 2.

We used to have a good sex life he would always be touching kissing cuddling wanting to make love and "do" things to me.
For the last 2 months, nothing. It's always been me instigating it or doing it for him. I even ask him when were in bed if he's up for it and try, but he says hes tired. When we do make love it's not the same like he's not enjoying it. Hes also been acting different around me in general never compliments me or tells me he loves me etc.
I know your all going to say he's cheating but hes always at home or work however I don't fully trust him and if any of you no my back ground you will understand why.
I do love him and want this to work but I'm feeling very low and unloved at the minute

I am a relatively new MN-er so don't know you or your background. But have you tried asking him what's up? Could it be that he's stressed at work, worried about his health etc?

When I ask or make comments that I have needs too he says I'm being selfish and he says he's too tired x

Have you had the chance for a bit of a snoop?

Has he started behaving differently around his phone?

It sounds remarkably like a case of 'cherchez la femme' and some men can be in 2 places at once mighty creative with time management when another femme is involved.

Have you taken a look at his phone/computer history/emails lately?

I wasn't really thinking of an "I have needs too" conversation but more like a "You're not yourself recently, is there anything wrong?" chat, before jumping to conclusions about there being an OW

I'd be less concerned about the lack of sex than the lack of compliments and 'I love yous'.... affection in short. Life can be stressful, tiring and so on when you've got a young family and other responsibilities & sex often goes on the back-burner. But most couples can still find space in their day to be affectionate with each other and make each other feel special.

Something is important enough to divert his attention away from you & switch him off physically. Has to be something drastic for it to happen so suddenly. You'll have to ask him what it is, tell him you're feeling rejected and judge his response. It may not be 'someone else', it could be 'something else' but you deserve some honesty.

Thanks ladies I no the I have needs too comment came across wrong I think I've been looking for affection in the wrong places. It is hard with the babies one is 6 months and the other 16 months I am knackard but I crave a cuddle and Kiss when he gets home which ive not been getting. We have his sisters wedding this weekend and I no hes going to be fake in front of people. I've checked his phone nothing and his emails

What do you mean 'fake'? Is he being the loving husband in public but ignoring you in private? And what do you mean by you've been 'looking for affection in the wrong places'? An affair?

My money is on the possibility of him using porn

I would never have an affair! And I have caught him looking on a porn website once before. But I don't think its that.

I think I've been looking for affection in the wrong places

I'm not sure what you mean by this either, OP?

I mean instead of a kiss or a cuddle I have been looking for affection in the bed room I would never cheat on my OH

Thanks for clarifying. Although most couples look for affection in the bedroom.... hardly the 'wrong place'. So what's your next step? Can you find some quiet time tonight once the DCs are in bed when you can talk about the way you feel? Could you set up a romantic dinner for two in order to set the scene? Can't be accused of being 'selfish' if all you want to do is talk....

BTW... why don't you 'fully trust him'?

I'm pretty new and don't know your background. Have you say down and had a calm discussion with him asked him whats changed? Explained how you feel. The lack of him being 'there' when you are intimate is the thing that rings alarm bells for me it sounds like he is emotionally distancing himself.

Does he have any health issues that he may be concerned about.
Or financial worries?

Could he have depression? 2 Children under 5, working, general life stresses. I think rather than going in with 'You're cheating on me!' you should just talk to him in general about how he's feeling. It could be just that easy to find out the issue.

This sounds a lot like my dh. We have a three year old and a three month old. I am always trying to kiss and cuddle him and tell him I love him but he never instigates affection. Tonight I practically ordered him to one to bed but I was the one doing things, he pretty much wanted to go to sleep. He didn't even want to have an orgasm which made me feel rejected and physically I could tell he was not interested. I have asked if there is someone else but he denies this plus I don't know when he would find the time!
He's been generally moody, knackered, looking forward to his interests like Kung fu and tai chi more than say our anniversary, lack of compliments.
I've been exercising trying to ge back into shape too, just want him to notice, missing compliments, affection etc.
I'm scared he might have gone off me. He was googling bloody Kate middletons pix I see from history when I have to virtually shove mine in his face!
He is usually very up for it albeit five mins here or there with kids its difficult. He said its my fault for demanding we make love not just have sex but I just want him interested now!
I'd say your man is overwhelmed rather tan cheating, where wld they find the time?

Check out health or money worries, possibly gambling?

Having a clean phone or e mail history means nothing - and people will always find the time for an affair, pretending they are at work or work-related visits when they are not, leaving early, faking appointments and even seeing someone else in their lunch hour.

The behaviour some of you are describing is typical of an affair, but for those who don't have second phones stashed in cars or sheds, one of the biggest giveaways is a newly password protected phone that goes everywhere - even into the shower or the loo.

If it's an affair, you're unlikely to get any confession without evidence and sometimes confrontation or even raising gentle concerns about someone else can lead to evidence being destroyed and detection being harder.

But if you're unhappy and are feeling unloved, you have every right to deal with what's in the open domain, because those feelings are valid and irrefutable. Included in the discussion that's held to explore the reasons for changed behaviour, should be a clear message of what needs to change and the consequences if this doesn't happen. It follows that you need to be prepared to follow through on those consequences too.

Meanwhile, be vigilant about the prospect of someone else. People get very careless when they think they are getting away with it and no-one's looking.

I agree to be vigilant for now.

By the way, my own h did not password protect his phone and after I got suspicious and mentioned his laptop twice, he first of all had it password protected, and then gave me the password, and a couple of years later agreed not to delete his history any more, as he had 'nothing to hide'.

He was doing it though, and for five years, and finally admitted it.

I just say this because although laptops, phones and credit card/bank history details can be brilliant for catching out cheaters, and are clearly the first place to look, sadly with some men (especially clever and confident ones), they wont necessarily give the game away.

Because money can be spent in cash and saved over time for that purpose, or fobbed off as work expenditure etc

phones and laptops can have stuff deleted or selectively deleted.

eg my h's history was clean, but later he admitted just editing it afterwards or using private browsing, and he didnt use his phone at all. He even downloaded messenger each time he needed it and deleted it the same day.

THe good news is that vigilance in my view always pays in the end, and they slip up, if you keep looking discreetly.

And in any case, afterwards it is possible to see that their overall behaviour towards you at the time was giveaway enough that the relationship was in real serious and trouble, at the least.

So my advice would be to say nothing more, accept his explanation, keep looking anyway now and again and have a long hard silent think about the relationship in general, and how much he seems to care about you as a person, regardless.

Wow thanks ladies for your replies. I understand about the children. I feel the same and I am very tired as I look after them 24/7 but I still want time with him is that too much to ask!?
I try to make time but nothing from him. Even when we make love it feels like he wants it over and done with
Like there is no love...... I understand what the lady said about him going off me I feel that way too 100%

It's no way to live, is it? Even if there's no OW. You need to talk, perhaps with a relationship counsellor, and address the lack of affection from him.