Is it possible to rein in feelings once they've developed and still continue a relationship?

[DisarmYouWithASmile]

I have a conflict going on between my heart and my head. My heart tells me I love this guy so much and I want to be with him more than anything. My head tells me that deep down, I know he is clearly not over his ex.

He was married for almost 20 years. Divorced for two years. He's had a brief relationship since which ended when he admitted he wasn't over his ex wife.

Now two years on, he talks about her a lot. I called him up on it and he became more concious of doing that and stopped but it's obvious he still isn't over it. He more or less admits it (usually after a drink or two). He said at the weekend that he isn't "as" over his divorce as I am over mine. I said "if you're not over your ex, maybe you shouldn't be in a relationship yet" and he replied "oh no, it's not HER - it's the divorce I still have issues with" - same thing surely??

I've tried giving him ways out. I asked if he wants to slow things down between us - he said no. I asked if he wants to break up - he said no way. I asked if he wants me to give him space for a few months - he said please don't talk like that. He still maintains he loves me, wants to be with me, wants to spend christmas with me and wants to live with me. He's booked us stuff to do for next June which suggests he genuinly does see a future for us.

So what the fuck am I supposed to do when I love the guy and want to be with him so much but at the same time, know full well he isn't over his ex???

The whole thing is making me feel ill. I have thought about breaking it off but I can't bring myself to do it. He asked me to just bare with him and give him time to get used to being in a new relationship - does he have a point or is this ridiculous? 6 months down the line are we still going to be having this issue between us?? Is it always going to be hanging over me that deep down, he regrets the divorce?

Why do you think he is not over her? Not being over a divorce is not the same as being not over her in my book.

So not to drip feed, I also suffer with cyclothymia (mild bipolar) which COULD be adding to my distress. Maybe it isn't as big a deal as I'm thinking it is. I'm not sure whether it's my head or the condition telling me I'm in the shit.

he replied "oh no, it's not HER - it's the divorce I still have issues with" - same thing surely??
No, not the same thing at all. I was over my ex, not a shred of romantic feeling or sadness about the end our romantic relationship, before we actually split, but I still needed time to adjust/process and get over the separation. Will he go to counselling?

I'm not sure, he lost his father last year which has really messed with his head (understandably) and he's not over that either. His sister has suggested counselling to him but not really sure how he feels about it.

So when he asks me to give him time to get over the divorce, whilst still continuing the relationship, that's a reasonable request?

I've never done this before. There is a 10 year age gap between us and sometimes I think it shows.

Yes, I think so. I think you have to trust him that his feelings for her are gone. A divorce can be a very traumatic event independent of any feelings about the person you are divorcing which is why people who really want relationships to end still often get really emotional about and struggle with the actual divorce.

Exactly what offred has said.

This guy has effectively had 2 bereavements in the space of 2 years; the loss of his marriage and the loss of his father and it's understandable that he's grieving them.

How long have you been in a relationship with this man?