I'm not well and I don't want to bother him

[PeachesandSourCream]

I have been with DP long distance for just over two years now. We are both in our early twenties but know we have found our 'soul mate', if you can forgive me for using that phrase, with each other. Without the commitment to the long term in our relationship- we would have failed at the first hurdle with the distance. We see each other for a long weekend every two weeks, and I feel this is enough. When I feel well I'm a fiercely independent person but I'm going through a bad spell all I want is to hold him and smell him.

I was diagnosed with manic depression last year and it comes and goes in spells, and from being referred to different specialists it appears it is seasonally effected. As a result I had a lovely summer, lots of holidays with DP and didn't need to touch my pills. Now it seems I've fallen off the wagon again.

I hate being medicated. I have terrible reactions to mood enhancing/stabilizing drugs, so terrible that I'd rather be in a constant underwater state of depression than the highs and lows, intrusive thoughts and terrible fantasies I construct in my brain that he's cheating on me or chatting some girl up or thinking of breaking up with me. Which I know he's not really. We are devoted to each other.

I am research fellow at a university and I am tied to both positions for almost another two years. I am in a dead end town which although is charming and popular with old people and although I have friends, I am not paticularly close to anyone. I hope this changes in the next academic year.

DP on the other hand is in the big smoke, 2 hours away. He has a very glamorous PR job and half his work is parties and socialising. I don't want to hold him back, I am so proud of him.

He doesn't waste his money either, is always stowing money away so we can have minibreaks at the weekends or paying for my trainfare when I am exceptionally poor that month. He really cares, I know he does- and I know that if I was feeling unwell he would leave that party and knock over the canape girl on the way out to make sure I was okay. He'd even get the first train down to see me.

I don't want him to do that though. I'm sick of feeling like a nuisance. I've spent all day wanting him to phone me (I know he is at work and then going out) just checking my phone as term hasn't started yet. I construct situations in my head that he doesn't care and would be better off without me. It makes me very sad

Peaches I think it is very difficult when you are feeling low to not feel like a burden or that people would find it easier without you but it is very rarely true! It sounds like he cares very much and is very keen on you- he puts effort into seeing you and does not treat you like you are causing him problems by the sounds of it. Try and remember all that- you said you are devoted to each other so this is not suddenly going to change because you have a bad few weeks.

Remember this is part of the depression and anxiety- it will pass again. Try and separate the facts which you can prove to yourself from the thoughts your brain is inventing. This is easier said than done when you are feeling rubbish but try and sit and think of all the actual things that he has said or done to demonstrate his care and commitment to you and try to shut out the imagined things that could go wrong. Make sure you are looking after yourself and sleeping properly etc too because tiredness makes everything seem harder

How much does he know about your mental health stuff? Could you say to him that you are struggling a bit temporarily just so he knows and is aware your behaviour might be a bit different for the next few weeks. He may well be happy to provide a few extra cuddles and reassurance!

As a fellow manic depressive I an really sorry for what you are going through.

Lots is going on, but you really need to look at the medication you are taking. Side effects of mood drugs can be awful, but in the long term I have always found it better to take them! Talk to you doctor about them, and if you are supposed to take then even when you are feeling ok, please do. Mine took several years to really work properly, but my God once I had escaped from the worst highs and lows, it is like my life really began properly.

Please go and get medical advise on this, and please really think about following it, even when you feel alright.

Wishing you strength and hope!

japple I'm not going to kill myself. I don't even feel enough to want to kill myself.

melbie I do try. I get out all of the love letters from where we first got together, scroll through FB history, look through my texts. It's not enough, I can't separate it. I tell myself he loves me when I look through all these things, but there is still a voice that tells me that he's lying.

I just fail to see why he wants to be with a mental person who lives two hours away. My depression seems to feed off that insecurity.

I tell him when I am feeling particularly low, he knows I have depression and insists he wants to know everything about it. He almost gets angry at me when I don't tell him how I'm feeling or what is going through my head. But he also feels sad, like he's the root of this and he is making him worse. I don't want to make him sad too

4aminsomniac I've been told it's chemical depression, and caused by hormone imbalances rather than related to stress or deep rooted events in my childhood. I really have nothing to be sad about. Yes, my partner who I want to marry and have children with lives far from me- but when I am strong and happy this doesn't bother me at all. In some ways it is ideal as we both have demanding jobs (Albiet his is more fun than mine) and things going on, but when I feel bad I feel like a paranoid lovesick teenager

I really worry that you stopped taking the medication. Would you go back to the doctor now and be truthful about that?

Maybe this is a mix of symptoms from your depression and also a long distance relationship.

I had a LDR years ago, and felt similar feelings to what you describe but I wasn't depressed.. so maybe it's both things that are getting you down.

Will you be resuming your medication soon do you think? Is it SAD depression you have? If so, it's getting darker in the evenings now, and maybe it's triggering you off earlier than you expected?

Sorry if I've assumed a lot.

You sound like you are in a great place in life, and I'm sorry to read that this is bringing you down.

Best of luck x