Please don't be mean

[sickofbeingsheltered]

I know that I am going to sound really stupid with this but it is a big deal to me.

Ok so I was brought up by quite strict parents and as a young teen got involved in the church purity movement. This combined with hating how I look (hideous face and fat body) plus having PCOS so am hairy and spotty means that I have felt like a monster and outsider forever.

Fast forward a few years and I am now 26. Never been on a date, never been kissed and feeling like a total freak. I know in part my upbringing has caused some of it but I think much of it was me. I jumped into the purity thing completely as at that time I was very into religion.

So embarrassed to say this but I have been on a site with adult videos and watched some of them. There is an option do a cam show and I am tempted. It just sounds like the stupidest thing but I want to feel normal and yet I hate how I look so much and still have religious hangups like sex outside marriage is bad.

I just feel like a freak and like I will be the same way forever.

I couldn't read this and not post.

Please do not do not do not do the cam. I am old enough (just about) to be your mother and I can tell you it is a really really bad idea and won't help you in any way feel better about yourself.

Go to your GP and see if he/she can refer you for counselling and maybe some anti-depressants, because you sound depressed (but I am not an expert or medically qualified in any way)

What I can tell you is that I guarantee totally and utterly that you do not have a hideous face or a grossly fat body. I am sure you are completely normal.

Please do not do the cam and go and get professional help.

I agree with MyDogs.... go and see your GP and get some counselling! I have had similar problems in my past so I know that help is out there and you can change your perception of yourself.

Do not do the web cam thing, IMHO there isnt anything 'normal' in that!

I am sorry but I dont know what PCOS is. Is it a medical condition? Are you getting treatment for it? Is it worth mentioning it to your GP so see if anything can be done to improve your complexion?

I had counselling when I was young but didn't find it very helpful - also was on a couple of different anti-depressants from 16 to 19.

I went to the GP about the PCOS (difficult as you never see the same doctor twice here) and her advice was to lose weight which I am trying to do. I have lost a stone and I think I was expecting some big improvement which didn't happen so now I have hit a bit of a plateau.

Go back to the GP and make a fuss. Please.

(PCOS is PolyCysticOvarySyndrome isn't it?)

Go back to the GP and keep going until you get treatment for the PCOS. Holding weight isnt a cause. Its a symptom.

DO NOT do the cam thing. It will make you feel worse not better.

Don't do the cam thing. Just don't.

Try a low gi diet to help with your PCOS and go to your gp and be firm.

Yes - poly cystic ovary syndrome. The GP told me that extra weight is a symptom but it also makes the other symptoms worse. Supposedly losing weight reduces the other symptoms like spots.

The cam thing appeals to me in a way because I don't get attention from men in real life and it seemed a bit safer and there was less risk of rejection.

I think it is worth trying counselling again, it is important to get the right counsellor, also CBT is very helpful :)

It is great that you have lost weight, keep trying (wish I could take my own advice! :))

Webcams are not 'safe', especially when you are already feeling vulnerable.

Please don't do it - it will make you feel worse. Get yourself to the GP - I bet you look better than a lot of people!

You need to love yourself before others can. Attention from men is not everything, though I know how important it can be. I think you need to work on your self esteem, but the internet is not the place to do that.

Losing weight is good to do anyway. But dont let them fob you off with that as treatment. You need treatment.

OP, you are a wonderful person inside and out. Losing weight and controlling the PCOS symptoms may make you feel better about the outside person but won't change the inside you.

Rather than using this web site to make up you feel more positive about yourself (it won't in the long term, only worse) can you do something else what will lift your self esteem?

Do you belong to any clubs? Do you do any sport? If the answer is no I would suggest you do something positive along these lines. How about joining a netball club or a group for single people who do fun trips and activities together.

Do you still go to church? How do you feel about your faith? If you are still interested find a church with other people your age. A lively church is one that may well be running an Alpha course and may help you think through your own choices, separate from your parents.

There is much to be said for not having sex until you meet that one special person. At the moment it may feel like you are being held back by your previous decision, but in the long run you might have stopped lots of heart ache. Everyone is different. You are OK as you are

Agree - do NOT do the webcam thing. Once it's out there, you can't retrieve it and you do not even want to begin to find out what could happen.

"The cam thing appeals to me in a way because I don't get attention from men in real life and it seemed a bit safer and there was less risk of rejection."
OMG, you have no idea. Seriously, you don't. It only takes one bastard (and there are many out there) to decide that your video is funny, or something, and it could go viral with all sorts of messages that you would hate more than anything you could imagine. I know I'm sounding hysterical but I've seen the sort of things that these bastards do just with photos - it's a TERRIBLE idea.

See the GP again - discuss metformin. Ask about it specifically in relation to PCOS, which can be a precursor to Type II diabetes and indeed, you may already have a level of insulin resistance, especially if you're finding it hard to lose weight.

Just looked up the group my friend joined, she loved it (she met her husband there but that's another story)

www.spiceuk.com/home?handshaked=true

If you can get a grip on the PCOS then it is easier to start liking yourself (bitter experience here). I wasn't diagnosed til I was 28 and wanted to ttc so obviously I didn't have quite the same degree of hang-ups about sex outside of marriage as you do. BUT I really didn't like myself very much and wanted to change how I felt about my body. My gp suggested trying to lose weight as a first step but was willing to send me for counselling about my body issues (and a fertility clinic for the fertility issues). IMO gps don't have that much experience of treating pcos and end up treating the individual symptoms rather than the whole issue.

I looked online for as much info as I could about PCOS and found this book. I'm sure there are other books around that give much the same information but this was the one I read. I took all the advice in it, ate a sensible healthy diet (I joined Slimming World), started to exercise more regularly, avoided certain additives (Sodium Laureth Sulphate that is found in most toiletries is one i cut out), took a good quality multi-vitamin, etc. I lost a couple of stone and found that a lot of the other symptoms started to clear up too, I had far fewer spots, less hair in odd places, and my periods became more regular. I genuinely like myself now, but it has been a hard slog (and I'm back to being fat after the birth of dd2 ).

Don't do the web cam thing. It isn't a 'normal' thing to be doing. Normal would be going on dates with a nice man (I found my nice man on Match.com) and seeing where it goes. Nice men wait for you to be comfortable with everything you end up doing.

Don't do the cam. It isn't "normal" for people - not that I think normal is the right word at all and I'm all for consenting adults etc - but in your case it is going to cause more damage than good. People with great self-esteem have had theirs shattered over doing webcam activity so if you are not feeling great about yourself already, this is a very poor decision. Rejection can still happen this way. The last thing you want is some comments about that put in writing for all the world to see and read. You do realise that cam action can be recorded and then posted round the internet - youtube etc. Do you want to explaining that to future partners?
There's nothing wrong in not having had sex or a partner at 26. Don't compare yourself to everyone else on this. Despite your physical description of yourself, it's much more likely that your negative perception of yourself puts people off rather than your appearance. Take control of the things you can: weight loss, following up treatment for your PCOS. We cannot control our looks or body shape (as opposed to size) but believe me, if you start thinking you are might fiiiiiiiine, others will start thinking it too.
Attraction and desirability have less to do with looks than you think and more how you come across to people.
The religious aspect - can't comment on that as I've nothing positive to add about what some churches do to fragile people.

Echo everyone else saying 'don't do the webcam'. If you want to express yourself sexually the usual advice is to explore through masturbation rather than exhibitionism. Becoming more familiar with your body sexually can be a good stepping stone to leaving repressed feelings about sex behind and preparing yourself for a relationship with someone else.

The other angle, I'd suggest, is boosting your confidence. If you feel like you've put life on hold at all, waiting for your body and appearance to be 'right' before doing anything, then that just kicks the can down the road. Learning to be happy in your skin (even if you're trying to improve that skin) is so important because, ultimately, our personality is what people respond to. We're none of us cosmetically perfect and that also includes potential partners. What creates a spark of attraction is highly individual and very complex. To assume that a few extra lbs or some skin blemishes are a deal-breaker would be wrong.

Can also recommend Low-GI eating for PCOS problems btw. Good luck.

Personally, I think you would do better to buy some nice clothes and have a go at dating.

You were brave enough to post here, you have lost a stone in weight and want to build on that so I think you have a lot going for you. It's not easy but what's worth having seldom is. Don't worry about being a 26 year old virgin. Please don't bother with the webcam thing, a really dodgy idea and not worth it. Do build up self confidence and try some of the ideas expressed by the posters upthread. Difficult doesn't mean insurmountable. I think you are are selling yourself short and just need a loving push.

Don't do the cam thing.

Attention from men can be negative, insulting, abusive and possitively revolting sometimes! Some men prey on vulnerable women. It would not be a good idea for you.

How about joining a slimming club such as weight watchers or slimming world where you will get to meet people who know what you're going through and can support you.

What everyone else has said.

Don't do it!

You will feel worse, not better. Would you actually want to know any of those men in real life? No, of course you wouldn't. You are worth far more than the 'meat' they will see you as,

Listen to all the other posters, they have given excellent advice. Please.
Do you work? Do you have any RL friends you can talk to? If not, please keep posting here.

Please don't do the "cam" thing. Just don't, please.

As for the PCOS, have a look here: www.pcosupport.org/ or one of the other support groups. Get some help away from your GP. Advising you to lose weight when you have PCOS is not particularly helpful, IMO.

Sorry, meant only advising you to lose weight is not helpful.

I was an overweight young adult, desperate for male attention and very ashamed to be a virgin. As a result, I got involved with an abusive man who raped me. I still have issues with sex, despite having met my lovely husband who accepted me with the extra weight.
I wish someone had told me it was OK to be a virgin in my 20s and to wait for the right man.