Think I have lost my best friend. Feeling really sad.

[HalfaShandy]

This is rather long because I have been carrying these feelings around inside for so long and not spoken to a soul how I feel. Once I started typing it just kept coming!!

Have known my BF since we started high school. We are both now 41.

We live 2 hours away from each other so although we are best mates we both have everyday best mates local to each other but have always remained really close and both of us always saw each other as our very best friend. Both of us have had a shit time in the last 3 or 4 years. Both our marriages been through the mill and we have confided alot of stuff in each other that no one else knows. We have always had the type of friendship where in the past (not for 5 years now though) we have gone as long as 4 or 5 months without being intouch because of busy families/life etc but whenever we pick up the phone or see each other we just always picked up from where we left off. For the last 5 years we have got really close again and until recently hardly a week went by without a long phonecall to each other, we would travel to see each other about every 6 to 8 weeks and text reguarly and keep intouch daily on fbook.

About a year ago she confided in me that she was having an affair. I dont really approve but she is my best mate and although there is no excuse for what she is doing I can kind of see how she arrived at it. I have never lectured her and actually told her to end it etc. But I have been frank in my advice (when she has called for advice/to mull things over). I have been frank more because she is my dearest BF and I dont want to see her screw up her life rather than because I just dont approve. I have really kept my personal feelings of dissaproval out of the picture with her as she has had a very crap time before this started and I just want to support and help her.

Anyway I last saw her in february when she had a huge meal for friends for her birthday. It was a good night and I slept over at her house in the guest room and the next day her teen kids and DH went out and we had we nice chat and catch up before she dropped me at the station to get my train home in the afternoon.

Since then she has not called me. Now we both have teens and very busy lives but we always managed to speak to each other at some point. I called her several times and she was so busy 5 or 10 minutes into the comvo she would have to dash off etc. But she never called back like she normally does. Sometimes its days later - so I dont sit by the phone waiting.

It got to mid May and tbh I was having a bit of shit time (which has gone on all summer) and she still had not called me. The texts got fewer and fewer and I felt she using my FB statuses as a way to "keep in" with me but she never called me back despite me calling once a fortnight/3 weeks and leaving the odd message saying "hi, hope you ok, just calling to catch up. call me when you get time"

A mutual friend of ours is a neighbour of hers and was having her son christened in August. This mutual friend had invited me and my family to the christening back in the spring. It got to the end of July and no invite arrived so I just assumed she had culled numbers and I was no longer invited. It was not a problem. BF then returns one of my calls and says OMG X is gonna kill me. I didnt give you invite to her sons christening and now she thinks you are not going as you have not RSVP'd. BF spent hardly anytime actually talking to me about anything just kept asking to help come up with an excuse because I said I would actually like to go. So anyway the convo had to be quick as BF was in a rush again cos of work etc. So anyway I found myself cajoled into looking like I was the rude person by not responding to the invite because despite me saying to BF - Just tell your neighbour you forgot to pass it on, she wont mind, she knows how scatty you and I both are etc etc. But BF was not having it. BF then asked me for my address (had recently moved house) so she could pop it in the post to me now so at least I knew times and where to go etc.
When I came off the phone I felt a bit pissed off. Annoyed that I would look crap for not RSVPing (it was a big posh do in a hotel) until literally 4 days before. Because of this I decided not to go in the end. Thought it was too rude to say yep I am coming so close to the event. Plus as well I had problems at home and was not feeling too great. So I sent a text and a letter to the mutual friend saying thanks but could not make it and so sorry for taking 6 weeks to reply. No blame on BF or any mention of that. I text BF to let her know we would not be going and to say I hope they all had a nice time etc.

The day after the christening BF went on holiday for 2 weeks. I text her the day after she got home asking if she had a nice time and got a reply saying yep fab time. next day she text and asked hows things? I just text back not brill but am OK, you??

BF has not been intouch since until last week when I had a quick text along the lines of now kids back at school we will have to catch up. I have only tried to call her the once because I have been seriously maxed out this past week, but there has been nothing from her.

I am gutted. I miss her loads and I KNOW I have not done anything wrong. The only thing to change is her affair and I am pretty sure she has dumped me (our phonecall time) so she can see the bloke she is having the affair with.

I know I sound jealous - I am not but I am hurt. I am having a really crap time in my life just now and am coping with everything pretty much alone as I have no one to confide in. I have a good friend here but its not something I feel I can talk about with her.

To add insult to injury - although I know my BF is busy there is stuff on her FB statuses (Oh God I know how sad I sound) that makes it obvious she could call me IF she wanted. Stuff like "bored to tears. Got house and TV to myself but there is bugger all to watch".

She knows things had been a bit crap for me around the time I saw her in february and she has not thought to ask how I am since. I am pretty sure I have not been too needy. I have obviously considered the option life has gone shit for her too - I have text and FB messaged her loads always asking if all is Ok etc. Normally if it wasnt I would be the only person she would call. Infact because she is so busy I have not applied any pressure (iykwim) to insist she calls me etc because I just wouldnt do that to her incase there was something underlying going on. Although her FB looks like life is as good as ever - but then again everyone on FB has a wonderful life for the world to see dont they!!

I dunno what I expect anyone to say but I am gutted. This has been getting me down since before the summer holidays. I miss her so much. I miss our laughs, our convos etc. I just miss telling her stuff that only her and I would find funny. I have cried a few times. I am really taken back at how upset I am with this loss of a friendship - its worse than the gutted dumped feeling I had when being dumped by my boyfriend years ago.

Ontop of the sadness I am now starting to feel a bit pissed off with her and angry. So much so I am holding off calling her now because the last thing I want is a row or to say something I may regret. I am also super crap at confrontation.

What shall I do? walk away? persevere?

started a thread similar tonight on relatinships. Its shit know haow you fee l but dunno what you can do [hugs]

Thanks omfgkillmenow. Not a nice feeling is it. Sorry you are going through something similar. Have a hug back as well.

I would give it some time. It is a bit crap when you have been there for her and she is not doing the same in return but you have been friends for so long there is a decent chance it will come back. I imagine she is distracted by her affair (NO excuse but the most likely explanation) and is not really concentrating on life outside that. They make people very selfish. Also it may be that life is not very rosy and she is trying to cover that up...

How about you wait maybe a few weeks with no contact and let the dust settle and then try one more time with something like a casual text and see if there is any response. And if not then I guess you will have to let it go :( It is not a surprise you feel so sad- your friendship has been longer than most relationships so you are allowed to be upset that it is potentially ending. If it helps I had a recent similar experience- a shorter friendship but close. I suddenly had the complete cold shoulder despite attempts to get in touch. A few months later she text to say good luck for something and we are back in touch now. She apologised profusely and explained she had so much going on (bereavement, relationship stuff etc) and was so angry at the world and I had done something minor to irritate her and she did not want to speak to me and take all her anger out on me when it was not my fault and risk losing my friendship. Fingers crossed it is something similar!

I think I understand how you feel. I lost my best friend of twenty years due to my affair, and her inability to forgive me. She adored my xhusband, and was understandably upset when I chose to cheat on him. We were as close as sisters. I have reached out to her several times. Apologised and tried to make amends. I cannot accept that this woman I loved and respected has cut me from her life, but she has. I miss her so much. I still dream about her...

Seriously, if it's eating you up like this, why not talk to her about these feelings in a nice frank way?

I think that it's possible her affair may have a lot to do with this. She obviously knows you don't approve, despite you still listening to her and supporting her, and it would appear on the face of it that her affair is more important to her than your friendship.
(apols to cynner for this bit) - affairs are very selfish, usually. So I suspect she has become a lot more "mememe" about everything since starting it, and you are falling foul of this selfishness.

Also, I know that you said you did nothing wrong but you may have said something at that birthday party that she took offence at. You may not even have realised at the time, and may have since completely forgotten because you didn't realise.
I know I did this - I lost contact with a friend of many years (not a BF but a good friend, nonetheless) when she changed her email address and didn't give me the new one. Eventually I found her via Friends Reunited and contacted her - and it appears that I had said something in a drunken state to her that had rankled but taken her a few years to really decide that she needed to cut contact. I had absolutely no memory of saying what I said, and couldn't believe I would have said it (certainly not sober but who knows what happens when drunk ) but she had a clear memory of it so I had to take her word for it and grovel. It worked - we're back in contact, for which I'm very grateful (have known her for over 25y)

So, in terms of what you should do - if you haven't already asked her what's wrong, I would. Ask her to be honest with you if you have upset her in any way and be prepared to listen if there is something. If she brushes you off and says there's nothing, then I think you should be honest with her and tell her that her recent behaviour has upset you and what does she think you should both do about the situation? Then go from there, depending on what answers you get.

I can understand why this is hurting you, but I think the reasons for it are actually very straightforward.

Your friend is extremely selfish.

There's copious evidence of that in your post. She burdens you with a secret which must have made seeing her husband and children very difficult for you at times. Having given her unjudgemental support about this and other aspects of her life, she has consistently failed to follow up on your own cries for help. She didn't think you were important enough to text you the details of the invitation and then persuaded you to take the blame for that.

Then of course, she's having an affair, which is a supreme act of selfishness.

I expect her behaviour has worsened since her affair started. She's probably so caught up in the drama of it all that she thinks no-one else's life matters.

I'm sure if you thought about it, there's been a pattern here all along.

The best way of dealing with this is to contact her and tell her it's very important that you see her. Then be straight with her.

If she's a good friend, she'll respect your honesty and might even wake up to how abysmally she's behaved. If she's not, then nothing much changes apart from your own behaviour in allowing her to walk all over you and others. You stop taking the blame for her screw-ups and you stop being the all-listening ear to her all-about-me tales of woe.

I just bet the other bloke is married, isn't he? If so, she probably thinks his wife's needs are not as important as hers as well.....

It's so hard to say without hearing her side.

I could be 'your friend' (not with specific details - I am not having an affair and I am not on bloody Facebook!! ).

I have had to semi cut off a very close friend in the last year (she would call us best friends). She is lovely and we have not fallen out - I will always be there for her. But I find her stifling. She expects and demands too much of me. And of my time. We also have different values and interests.

As a wise MNetter said to me 'no-one can take more of you than you are prepared to give'.

Maybe you do need to have a good honest look at yourself and your behaviour, as Thumbwitch said, it is possible you have said things that have wounded her.

I don't think it is helpful for anyone on here to tell you that you have done nothing wrong - we don't know that.

Of course the affair is a huge, huge issue and I would be disapproving too. And yes it might be she feels judged around you or is distracted by it. I also agree she has done some selfish things, on top of the affair, like not coming clean re the christening invite.

I'm sorry you feel so hurt.

Thanks for replying.

I do feel like her behaviour has only changed since she started the affair and yes she must be aware of my dissaproval as much as I hide it.

I am so close to phoning her and just saying What is going on but worried it may all end in an argument as I am now quite peed off with it all. She has not been to my house since I moved in the Spring - not that its a nice house worth coming 2 hours to see (its tied to DHs job and we rent) but I feel a bit offended.

Its just beginning to dawn on me that actually when I think about it, alot has happend this summer in my life. Some quite big stuff and she has no idea because thats how little contact we have been in with each other. I have not purposely with-held these changes but just always thought - oh I'll tell her when we have one of our long chats etc. Some of the stuff that has changed she knew was pending and has not asked about.

This is one friendship I dont want to loose. She is normally such a lovely kind and warm person and we have alot of history. Its just a really crap feeling realising someone so special in your life obviously does not think of you in the same way. I feel like she has no time for me anymore.

No one in rl would ever guess she is having an affair, its so far removed from her normal persona. She is always out there doing good nice things to help people out, a little too much sometimes. Her sister did say to me at her birthday that she seems to dedicate too much time to certain people and she named them - one or 2 I could see what she meant but didnt express my view, just nodded politely.

I am wracking my brains about her birthday. I have already mulled over the evening and cannot think of anything offensive/bad/embarrassing I did to cause anyone any upset. I was tipsy but not drunk. I chatted to lots of people including some I dont really know. I ended the evening at the bar chatting to one of her work colleagues about holidays in Spain!

If she is still having the affair then she is juggling a complicated life with secrets and lies and the boring tv stuff on facebook could be a complete lie to fool others into thinking she has a 'normal' life, that might be the night she meets OM for all you know.

And it will dominate her life totally I would think.

And, having told you about the affair, which she will know you disapprove of even if you don't say anything, she doesn't want to keep in touch as it makes her feel guilty.

I don't think it's likely to be anything you've said. I think it's likely to be a combination of guilt and her head-being-in-the clouds.

You're also unlikely to be the only person in her life who she's neglecting and given that you've admitted you're conflict avoidant (and she's exploited that at times e.g. the christening saga) then in all probability, more assertive people have called her on it in the past year.

She also probably only wants to be surrounded by people who'll egg her on with her affair, not those who are actually looking out for her, her husband and her children.

I don't think you can do anything other than clear the air with her and point out that you are hurt by her behaviour. You just have nothing to lose with that strategy and it's quite bonkers really that two friends who've known eachother all this time can't be honest with eachother and still keep their friendship.

.