How do I move on...

[Couragedoesntroar]

From a brief relationship I had? It was my first fling really, happened immediately after my separation from DH. He didn't want a longer relationship although it was intense and deeply felt for the duration. When I'm away from him I'm fine. I a have a great job, brill friends, 2 beautiful DC. Trouble is I see him at work and it re-opens the wound. I can cope with it, but I still love him and it makes it hard to move on. I've thought about applying for jobs elsewhere, but none are advertised at the moment. So cold turkey isn't possible just yet.

How long ago was it?

It ended just over a year ago and had lasted about 2/3 months.

I've been single since, which I don't mind, but means, I suppose, I'm not distracted by someone else. I'm not sure what his personal situation is. It's still painful & a year seems a long time to feel this way.

Get a hobby. Or a passion for some sort of cause/campaign/charity. What you need is something else to think about.

Well you are right that if you moved on, met someone else, it would certainly take your mind off him.

Working in close proximity to someone when you still like them is hard, but you shouldnt feel as though you need to leave and look for another job.

Time to get dating I think... :)

I set up a new business with the help of a friend, I am learning an instrument. I do triathlons. My life is great, it's very full, I have nothing to complain about! But it bugs me that I still long for this flipping man. And he is only that. A man. This is quite out of character for me, I think this is why I'm shocked and a bit scared. What if I'm pining in 5 years time, argh!

I think a date would help. I didn't see anyone nice on Internet dating, tho I've thought about giving it another try...

I am not pretending I know how you feel, but is it possible that you are not so much obsessed by this man, rather that he gave you things you were not getting from your dh and you are therefore transferring onto him a bit? So, for example, if he was great at cuddles and you had missed them, then you want more? Or he listened to you and you have not had that for ages?
Is it him you want, or the things he represented? Possibly he was/is not The One, but there will be other men out there who will do those things and are the Right One.

Shag someone else.

Yes, you're all probably right, maybe I need to find someone else, at least as a stepping stone. And Catrin it's totally true that he was warm and sensitive after years & years of a pretty unresponsive DH. I was so starved a morsal felt like a banquet.

Friends I know who have been through it say that the end of the first new 'relationship' after splitting with your husband or significant life partner can be really difficult to deal with. They seemed to be saying that it was tied up with your feelings about the end of your major relationship/marriage...new relationship giving you new hope.....and then the reality that that was not the silver bullet for recovery iyswim. If you had this fling immediately after your marriage ended, then perhaps you delayed some of the mourning for the marriage. I'd maybe suggest not dating for a while..time to yourself, draw a breath. You sound like you've got a great set of hobbies, activities and goals in your life...go for it!!

Thanks loving, I heard someone else say that recently too. I hope it's true that it's all as practical a situation as that. It certainly highlighted in neon just how poor and emotionally devoid my marriage had been for ages. I am getting used to being alone & don't mind it. I guess I have to hope my feelings for this man naturally fade over time and improve as I get over my grief about my marriage too.

If it's any consolation, I've had a similar experience. The first guy I had a fling with after my marriage ended (lasted nearly 4 months) I haven't been able to get out of my mind. He's totally wrong for me but oh how I miss him. I miss the laughs, the cuddles, the sex. Have seen other guys since but this one just hard to get over. It's been 14 months since it ended. Sometimes I feel like something is wrong with me. But I'd only had one relationship before him (my xh - 14 odd years). I think maybe the transferring suggestion is right. I've thought this myself. He's Mr ordinary. Nothing special. It's mad. I'm hoping time will help. Here's to us getting over them! If they aren't still with us, they surely can't be worth it!

Sorry ginny you're having this experience too. It's horrid isn't it? I haven't dated many men either, just one before STBXH. I wonder if that makes it harder because we know less about the range of men or place more significance on individual relationships. It makes my heart sink being at work with this guy even tho logic dictates it cannot be the one man only.

Hmmm. Yes it must be very hard to see him at work. I only see my guy occasionally in town. I've decided to stay away from places I know he goes to. Need to not see him for a lengthy period. I think inexperience definitely has a part to play. Glad it's not just me. If it was my friends I'd be saying 'come on! Get over it. Plenty more out there'. Pity I can't apply this to myself!!!

I wish it was as easy to give advice to yourself as it is to others! I really wish feelings had an 'off' switch! Today I felt quite ground down by it but I have moments of feeling free and a bit excited bout possibilities. Today a friend suggested trying again with internet dating and perhaps I will, if nothing more than a distraction.

You know I feel EXACTLY the same as you. Maybe when we get into proper relationships (I'm seeing someone at the moment but not sure its right) we'll look back on this time and laugh!