My mother hates my husband (long)

[badtoworse]

I don't live in the UK. DH is from the country we live in. Mum came to live here (divorced and then later my father died) some years ago in a house a short drive away. Soon decided it was a big mistake and that she hated it, then to complicate matters then injured her back and became really unable to manage living alone. We sold my house and we moved in with her. All coinciding with me starting a new business venture and DH becoing unemployed. DH has bascially been unemployed (except for a couple of short contracts) since then. When we all moved in together DS was 20 months (now 4.5) and we've since had another child who's 1.5.

Before we all moved in together I was about to go back after mat leave and all set up (at her suggestion) for mum to have DS while I worked and DH at work. DH lost his job three days before I went back but mum said she still wanted to come up in the afternoons cos she wanted to see DS. She (much later) claimed DH had sat on the coputer and let her do it all. He said (we had a big row about it then) he only sat on the computer while DS napped.

My business has been slowly dying a death so I'm going to be WOH from Monday (previously ran busness from home). Yesterday I had meetings all day. DH supposed to be looking after DCs for the afternoon while I'm out.
I told him not to let my mum do too much, to imagine she was not there as it's too much for her. When I came home I asked mum (who I saw first on coming in) how things had been and she pulled a face and said tell you later.
Asked DH if he'd let DS just spend the whole afternoon with my mum and he said, only a bit while DD asleep..she slept for almost 2 hours. Then I ask mum and she says that he'd sat on the laptop and told DS he couldn't play as he'd wake the baby up and she'd felt bad so spent 2 hrs entertaining DS while DH sat on laptop.

I was really pissed off as I'd asked him specifically not to do this and we had a row.

He says she's exaggerating and that he can't believe I'm questioning his parenting abilities/calling him a neglectful parent and talking about him behind his back. He says DS wasn't with her the entire time, he was in and out and he didn't tell him he couldn't play, just that he had to be quiet as the baby was asleep.

She says he's a lazy git and it's the same old shit as all those years ago, she's had enough and would go back to the UK if she had the money. They've been avoiding each other all day and I feel totally caught in the middle.

I'm so angry that he did exactly what I asked him not to but I can't stand this atmosphere, it's like I'm being asked to choose, my husband or my mother.

Well done on finding affordable accommodation - sounds like the start of a plan!

Good on you. DO NOT TEXT HER (apologies for shouting the last bit but I'm feeling emphatic about this)

Ok, thank you...I need these vrtual kicks up the backside. I find it so so so hard to break out of the role of child and to stop trying to please her at all costs. Will not text. Will not text. Will not text. she's still controllig it all from afar.

I think if you rent the accommodation you have found, everyone will be happier, including you mother. You are too much in each others company, and a bit of distance will hopefully improve things. Absence makes the heart grow stronger and that sort of thing. Good on you for having the strength to do this, you probably feel a bit in limbo now and unsure of what to do or what will happen, but you have come too far now to allow it to go back to what it was before.

*Grow fonder I mean, duh

Off to work, will be back around 11pm my time. Will check in then. thank god for MN.

Don't text her. If she contacts you, answer any questions she has but do not ask her anything - don't ask her if she's got hotwater, assume she's sorted it, don't ask if she found the dressing gowns, don't ask if she's ok. Dont keep telling her you love her and "it doesn't have to be this way" - she knows it doesn't have to be that way, she's chosing it, you don't have to remind her it's her choice, she knows it, it just gives her an opening to say that in her opinion it has to be this way (so that she can punish you).

Just back off a little - it's probably good for your family that she's there, best she stays there.

Those flats sound like a good budget for you.

Like the others, Im a bit worried that you are sending the wrong signals. She is punishing you, and the text was her checking whether or not you are getting back to how she wants you to be. She is biding her time, judging how you seem to be reacting. You saying "I love you and it doesnt have to be like this" will be read by her as you starting to crack, and feeling guilty. PLEASE, having come this far, don`t give up now.

Make arrangements to take one of the flats, and present her with a fait accompli. Be ready though for her biggest meltdown yet, once she realises that you are breaking free. I suspect you`ve seen nothing yet, but if you want a life for you and your family, it has to be gone through. I truly feel for you. You are such a lovely person, and lovely people are always the ones to get hurt, but you have to do this, for your own sanity, and for your lovely family.

Going to have a long chat with my brother again today. He says he's worried she'll come back and then lash out, maybe even violently. I don't think she'll do that, although I do agree with him that we're well into unchartered territory now. I still am just totally open mouthed that she went like that and is still down there, sulking like a little kid. She's never once asked after the children either, so much for all her concern for DS. I still think (and hope to be honest) that she'll stay there all over Christmas. I don't see that she'll miss the opportunity to play the martyr "you abandoned your poor, invalid mother over Christmas with no hot water or towels".
Still trying to keep my head above water at work..had the staff xmas meal last night so I feel knackered and a bit queasy today.
A lot of the bills in this house are in my name (stooopid emoticon) so, need to have a think about things. Need her to come back and have a sensible discussion about how to proceed but don't see that happening either.
But you are all so wonderful and my lifeline (along with DH and DB), thank you and I have stiffened myn resolve. No more contact. DS seems to have stopped asking about her for the time being.

Bills can be transferred, especially if you are the name on the bill.

I was worried your DB wouldn't get it, but he's totally on board, sounds more traumatised than you by all of this. Perhaps he came to the realisation that she was toxic before you, but couldn't say anything.

There's a fairly relevant discussion going on atm on the stately homes thread if you're interested.

I really think you need to go and see the other rental places, just so that you can put things into motion. There is no way back, you are all feeling better in only a few days, this is exactly what a DV victim feels when her abuser leaves.

Yes things might get crazy, but that'll be HER crazy, not yours.

Well done op. this is hard and quite a few people here know what you are going through. They also know that it is ok that you are doing it. You are not being mean, not being horrible and you are not being ungrateful. You are protecting your marriage and your children.

Ring up the companies and enquire about changing the names.

I would also start planning your Christmas. The way you want to spend it. Introduce new traditions and enjoy your family. She can only join you if she promises to behave. Although don't be surprised if she stays away and blames you.

well done. I am glad your brother agrees, that will make life alot easier. I too recommend taking a look at the Stately Home thread. Christmas is throwing up alot of stuff on there at the moment!

I think she'll stay away over Christmas. It's a brilliant opportunity to beat me forever with "you threw me out at Christmas". Yeah, right. DB's thinking is she will come back as she'll know he will ring and her own DB (my uncle) will probably ring and she'll want to pretend all is hunky dory. DB reckons the fact he's heard nothing from her means it's basically a giant tantrum, that she's thinking it'll all go back to normal, she just has to wait for me to back down.

She's supposed to have a hospital appointment today for a follow up with her surgeon, that she's waited over a year for. Obviously won't be going to that.

Get on with your own plans, so when she does decided to flounce back you can say "oh, by the way, we're moving out on the Xth January. Think it's best for everyone you have your own house back."

She can only beat you forever with "throwing her out" if you let her, the answer is "do'nt be stupid, it's your house, you ran away in a tantrum, I just didn't beg you to come back like you expected." Call her on her behaviour, don't worry about not upsetting her, tell her the truth about her behaviour.

Most of all, move out.

oh and don't worry about her hosptial appointment, she's expecting you to be stressed about it, as if it's your responsibility to fix it. Do'nt call to cancel, don't do anything about it. She's capable of sorting her own life out.

If the appointment is important to her then she will sort out transport to go to it, I thought she has a car?
It's her appointment leave her to sort it out.
My father in his 70s manages to arrange and attend his own appointments either by bus or car as we live away from him and he enjoys being independent.
Independence is more a state of mind than an indication of how fit you are. Your mum needs to start being more independent and you need to stop treating her like a helpless invalid. Many people have backache and still get on with their lives.

I am so glad that you are taking everything we say on board. Think about it logically. Why do complete strangers get so very worked up about your situation? Care very deeply for yours and your family`s welfare? Because, sadly, we KNOW what is happening here, the damage being done, and will do anything to try to stop another human being go through it.

It is good that you have your brother onside. You will be presenting your mother with a completely united front, and also you will be able to sort out the financial situation with him on board. That will be one more of her plans destroyed.

Stay strong, we`ve all got hold of you.

I postponed it. Argh. Got to stop being the parent. It's no wonder my head's fucked, I'm the parent and the child all at the same time.
DH is a bit nervous at the idea of moving out as he feels it will mean the end of my relationship with her and he's a bit worried about how that will affect me. The phone's just rung and it was her number but I didn't know what to do...froze and missed the call. She doesn't seem to have left an answer machine message.

She rang the house phone, but hasn't rung the mobile. I really don't want to speak to her. I don't know what to say, but then I worry about why she's ringing...but I know that's what she wants....wants me to worry.

Stay strong. If it was an emergency she would leave a message. It's a power game. I would not be surprised of she hung up when you answered.

You can do this. Let her leave a message.

You're right, if it were an emergency she could phone my mobile or leave a message. But, god...I'm all shaky and I didn't even speak to her.

I remember that feeling when I knew my mum was ringing and I didn't answer the phone. It's hard. Especially the first few times.

Do get drawn into her games. If there is a problem with the house tell her to phone your brother and hang up. If its an emergency tell her to call the police and let you know how it goes. But that's only of she leaves a message.

Your DH is sweet to worry about how you moving may hurt the relationship. But honestly. It is not a good relationship to be in and moving can either make it better or worse. Staying will only make it worse.

Good luck

Don't get drawn in.