I need some frank, but gentle, MN advice

[everymeeveryyou]

I have had to re register to post under a new name as I can't seem to access my usual account to namechange, but have been on MN for years. I know posters can sometimes be blunt but please try to be gentle with me, I am in a bit of a mess over all this.

I have been married to DH for 12 years and we have 4 children, one who is in his teens and three that are under 7. For the last few years DH has been very stressed and has become increasingly depressed. His moods swing from happy to very down and when he get down he takes it out on the rest of the family, usually verbally but he has lashed out at the children in anger. I have spoken to him about this on numerous ocassions and whilst he denied having a problem at first he eventually agreed that he should see someone about it after I told him our marriage would be over if he didn't.

Our GP refered him for counselling, which he is attending and is very concerned as he frequently expresses sucidal thoughts. I have have found supporting him whilst protecting our children from growing up in this situation so difficult. I don't think things have got much better and whilst I think the counsellor may be working with him on his depression/anxiety issues my concerns are his anger.
Since seing the counsellor he has been a bit more controlled, however his tone can be agressive, he breaks things when angry (he threw something at the patio doors and that left the kitchen and me covered in broken glass). I have given him so many ultimatums and last night he again shouted at the children, and lashed out at one of them when they wouldn't do as they were told.

He has to leave our house, I know that. I am scared, I work shifts and will not be able to find childcare that will cover these so I will have to leave work. I have already ended one relationship that involved DV, many years ago, however I did not have four children to support then. I am confused about what to do regarding him seeing the children, how often, will it be more harmful for them.

I can't believe it has come to this, however I am also so angry with myself for letting him put the kids through this for the past few years. Please hold my hand and talk me through it. If I don't reply straight away it may be beacuse he has come home and I need to talk eveything through with him.

I am not sure that talking to him is the best idea.
Talk to WA instead, and have a look at the links at the top of this thread:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1560639-Support-for-those-in-Emotionally-Abusive-relationships-11
Look here:
www.freedomprogramme.co.uk
And keep posting. Some great advice will come along.
As you have so wisely realized, this has to stop

One step at a time op, if you are a regular than you know the benefit of planing in advance, dont do anything rash, and possibly if he is unstable dont give him a heads up of your intentions..

x

OP I'm so sorry you are going through this.
Firstly you need to keep yourself and your DCs safe.
If DH lashes out at any of you again then do ring the police.
Do you have somewhere you can go with DCs if you are unsafe?

Speak to Women's Aid:
www.womensaid.org.uk/

and/or Refuge:
refuge.org.uk/

Next, plan.
Can you save some money without him knowing?
Can you stay in the house you live in now?
Can you find another job which means you won't work shift?

Copy any documents you have that relate to finances.

May also be an idea to see your gp and talk to them about you and the DCs.
Counselling could be a good idea.

Keep posting, there is support here.
Un MN hugs to you all.

Thanks everyone, funnily enough I am not actually scared of him, just of what all this is doing to my gorgeous children.

I have no concerns about him leaving, I am not going to move out I will be asking him to leave. He has not been financially controlling so I have no worries about money, except what will happen if I have to leave my job.

I am just scared of having to go through it all again, having to tell people, feeling a fool, even though I know I shouldn't. I am also scared he will look to end his life. My big concern is how much contact our children should have with him and how I should arrange it.

You are so right about counselling for us, I told him the other day how unfair I felt it all was, I know he needs a counsellor for his own mental health, however the stress I have gone through just trying to carry on with everything has been awful.

every - you sound like a lovely, strong, compassionate person. I think you should contact a family law specialist in your area - check the Resolution website. Most will see you for at least 1/2 an hour for free - make a list of questions about contact that you want to discuss (do not waste time with history, venting about husband etc).

My P has Mh issues (not violent) that have escalated recently so I am going down the same path as you. Contact is also worrying me - I feel if I am at home I can make sure he does not say anything strange to the DC but worried when I ask him to leave that he will have 1/2 custody share and I won't be able to monitor the situation.It is all quite complex.

Has the GP prescribed any medication to help calm his anger responses?
(my P is refusing to take his).

Every book I have read, forum I have looked at and professional I have spoken to says your DC needs and your own should be top priority over trying to help your spouse.

Our GP refered him for counselling, which he is attending and is very concerned as he frequently expresses sucidal thoughts

Who is 'very concerned' that your h 'frequently expresses suicidal thoughts'?
If that they're that concerned they can arrange for him to be sectioned as it would be extremely unfair and inappropriate for them to burden you with this aspect of your h's behaviour if they can't be arsed to get him sorted.

If, by 'lashing out', you are saying that your h is physically abusive towards your dc, he must leave the marital home without further ado and I would suggest that once this has been accompished, you seek counselling for yourself and your eldest dc and play therapy for your younger dc as they will undoubtedly have been adversely affected by their f's behaviour.

With regard to his future contact with the dc, it would seem to me that his aggressive behaviour indicates that he's not stable or patient enough to have them for overnight stays or see them without appropriate supervision.

I would suggest you consult a solicitor who specialises and divorce and family law and put the question of him spending time with the dc, which in any event should take place away from your home, on ice until he applies for a contact order.

jane, thank you I will look at the resolutions site when I am back from work tonight. His GP has offered antidepressants, however he is reluctant to take them. This is because he was prescribed some that made him "manic", when he started to take this first prescription I also voiced concerns to him that I felt ads were not the full solution to his problem and that they would only mask the issues if he didn't recieve counselling. Now I feel like I have dug a big hole and am stuck in it. I am sorry that you are also going through a difficult time, I am very angry that I am left to police my husband's behaviour and feel trapped whilst he is here, although when he is "functioning normally" family life is fine and I get sucking in to the "everything will be fine" mode of thought.

izzy, yes when I say he lashes out he smacks/hits the children when they have done something wrong or wont listen to what he is saying and he becomes stressed because he can not controll the situation. He doesn't beat them as in a persistant attack, however I judge his responses to be in anger and uncontrolled, there are deffinatly other ways of dealing with things. It is not a calculated smack on the back of the legs by someone who feels that is the correct way to chastice a child (not that this is how I feel a child should be "punished"). I should have done something before now and really am torturing myself about this, I work in an area that has a lot of dealings with safeguarding and I have really let my children down. Regarding the suicidal thoughts, his GP is concerned, the counsellor just seems to have brushed over them and told him to go to a&e if he feels like that. I am annoyed that I have been left to shoulder the responsibilty of monitoring this on top of my other commitments to my family, it helps to know you also think this is unfair.

I have to go to work now but will be back online later, thank you everyone for responding, it really helps.

Hi every, really sorry to hear about what you have been carrying. Have you spoken to your husband's GP about your concerns and his behaviour? Has your husband had a psychiatric assessment? His GP needs to know the extent of his difficulties. Having a manic episode from taking anti depressants could indicate possible bipolar. Your husband is unlikely to recover without medication, in any case, given your description. You have been containing far too much and it's time to hand over what you have been left to shoulder. And yes, it's time to act to protect your children. Good luck OP. You can do this x

I have nothing to add over and above the great advice you've got above.

I am so sorry you are in this awful situation.

You have your priorities absolutely spot on - your children need protecting. You have to protect them from him no matter how depressed or suicidal he is. You may feel you have let them down by not acting up til now - but you are acting now. The sooner you do this, the less damaging it is for them.

Friends and family will support you. Ok there maybe some head shaking and talk behind your back for a while - that's life. People gossip and judge. But your real loved ones will want you and your children to be safe, happy and at peace.

Good luck love x

i cant add anything not already said

just want you to know people out there are listening.they care and are here for you to "talk" to

you know its the right thing

you are obviously a fab mum

sending hugs and positive vibes your way.stay strong.x

In addition to the above can you talk to work and see if they can offer you regular hours so that you can keep your job? acas are a really useful resource and will help you set your expectations re what you may be entitled to from work and help you get it. I am pretty convinced that parents of children I think under 16 are entitled to flexible working arrangements which includes things like regular set hours, no on call work, school/term time work as far as it is reasonably practical for your employer to provide it.

I would agree, "mania" by definition gives a diagnosis of bipolar, but is too loosely used these days, so god knows what he means by manic.
You can ring the MH Team and request assessment as Next of Kin, GP referral not required. They will try to tell you it is, mind you, but it really isn't. If he is truly suicidal, ring them, tell them and request urgent Risk Assessment.