I've started this post a couple of times now. I apologise if it's long, I'll try to keep it as short as possible. Basically I feel as though my relationship with my boyfriend of three years is over.
The first year was great - we were very different but we enjoyed that about each other. I was more outgoing and liked having fun whereas he was a bit more serious and shy but my personality seemed to bring out the best in him. We spent time as a couple and with friends as well as having our own separate interests. Our sex life was good/adequate. It seemed like a pretty normal relationship.
We were really excited to move in together after a year and a half. Until that point we'd had very few problems or arguments. I wasn't deluded; I knew there'd be ups and downs but I thought that we loved each other enough to cope with them. Our friends and family were happy for us.
By this point, however, I'd become totally disinterested in sex and I still am. I put it down to the pill I was on but after coming off that nine months ago nothing has changed on that front. I desperately wanted to give him what he wanted but he was really understanding of my feelings.
The arguments started almost immediately after we moved in together and the cause of most of them was silly; cleaning. I'm not a complete neat freak or germaphobe but I do like to live in a clean, relatively tidy environment. I knew he was a little messy but he was always quite good at cleaning up after himself, washing his clothes all the time (more often than I did!) and so on so I didn't expect there to be such a problem. Even as we were unpacking (which took forever as I had to do most of it myself) we were fighting about where to put things. I like things to look neat, he likes things to be somewhere 'practical'. As time went on I would dread waking up in the morning because I'd always have to go into the kitchen and clean up after him, pick up his clothes from the bathroom floor, towel from the bedroom floor and so on. I know that sounds so insignificant but I was making such an effort to make his home life enjoyable that I wasn't enjoying myself anymore. Other things he did started to bother me too. We blamed it partly on our final year studies.
We still socialised with our friends but rarely did anything romantic as a couple anymore. When we weren't arguing we got on fine; we're pretty good friends, really.
We graduated from university in June and are still looking for work. I'm stressed about it, of course, and he's saying that's why I'm feeling unhappy. He reckons when we're both working full time we'll be happier but I'm not sure. Recently some old friends got in touch with me; I've not spoken to them much over the past three years and they really reminded me of how outgoing and confident I used to be. I know it's not entirely boyfriend's fault that I'm feeling miserable but I've realised that on my own I was more...fun?
I'm terrified of moving out, being alone and hurting my boyfriend but my friend pointed out that I didn't seem all that terrified of not being in a relationship with him specifically. The arguments are much less frequent these days and I feel as though it's partly because I've given up. I used to want him to marry me and to have his babies (both things he wasn't particularly keen on, actually) but now I just can't visualise it. I think it's over but since I've never been in a serious relationship before I'm confused too.
I can't act on my feelings until I've found a steady job. I owe my boyfriend a little bit of money and I'd really rather pay him back before splitting up. I also need to be earning enough to live by myself. I also want to give myself time to be sure of my decision. I feel quite calm/relieved since talking it over with my friend for the past few weeks to be honest. We also have a cat and I've no idea what's going to happen to the poor little guy (this is actually tearing me apart :() He's much closer to my boyfriend so I think I'd have to let him stay with him. I don't want to lumber him with all the costs of keeping a cat either, though.
If any of you can make sense of this mess, please let me know and thank you for taking the time to read my ramble.