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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

why have i done this? insight needed

3 replies

cheesestrung · 15/09/2012 10:07

Ive namechanged, as i feel embarrassed.
I feel like i have been in utter despair at times over the last 5 years. Had bad PND after ds was born, my H of 13 yrs left when he was 18 mo, we went to relate. I started divorce after 2 yrs separation. Met DP who was EA at times and DV was mentioned in his divorce. Tried to support him as his ex wife stopped contact with his son. I got pregnant, considered abortion then had miscarriage. I ended the relationship, then we got back together. Even though i knew it wasn't the right thing, I went back. Was it loneliness? i don't know. I lost myself with new DP, instead of him being a happy addition to my life he took over, asked me to marry him, although i don't think he was serious. he has depression, was medically retired..
why then do i feel i love him, although cant be with him? i push him away and to be honest i have probably treat him quite badly at times. why do i keep my feelings from others as if he isnt really real and separate him from my normal everyday life?Almost pretend i havent been in a realtionship with him.. I know i cant be with him, i would just like to insight into why i behaved this way, when i am normally a very fair person. i have felt i cannot say "no" to him so instead of being upfront have gone along with things. at times i have almost "hidden" in my house to avoid him. Have i lost the plot?

OP posts:
cheesestrung · 15/09/2012 11:31

bump anyone? :-)

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/09/2012 12:02

He's your basic head vs heart conflict. Your guilty secret. Your bad habit. Everything logical is screaming that he is a crappy choice, bad news and a big mistake but there's something basic missing from your life that he supplies. Only you'll know what that is and loneliness is definitely top of the likely suspects. Like the dieter who keeps on returning to the fridge for feasts when they think no-one is looking, you're only fooling yourself.

Avoiding him is the only way forward actually. Bad habits - especially visceral ones - are very tough to break unless you remove yourself completely from the stimulus. Why does it feel like love? Why do people spend thousands bringing some mangy mutt they meet on holiday back through quarantine? Human beings get attached to all kinds of daft things with very little justification. If you've rationalised the situation, think he's the best you're going to get & throw in a dash of laziness or cowardice you'll keep yourself trapped. So, if you want to get him out of your system, move away, change your life so that you don't coincide any more, cut contact, develop new social circles.... etc.

cheesestrung · 15/09/2012 19:51

thanks for taking the time to reply CES.
you are so right. yes i am fooling myself. well i have had no contact, since last night anyway. i have got to break the "habit" which is what it is. an adrenaline rush perhaps.. i do not want to keep myself trapped :-( i dont need to move away as he doesnt live close. i can break contact and never bump into him. I am just wondering why i am so upset... again. i cant go back. i looked at my exH tonight and I miss him. why didnt he fight for me? i think have taken my anger out on some other human being and Im ashamed to say have almost used him.. ultimately, it hasnt worked though

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