Ive namechanged, as i feel embarrassed.
I feel like i have been in utter despair at times over the last 5 years. Had bad PND after ds was born, my H of 13 yrs left when he was 18 mo, we went to relate. I started divorce after 2 yrs separation. Met DP who was EA at times and DV was mentioned in his divorce. Tried to support him as his ex wife stopped contact with his son. I got pregnant, considered abortion then had miscarriage. I ended the relationship, then we got back together. Even though i knew it wasn't the right thing, I went back. Was it loneliness? i don't know. I lost myself with new DP, instead of him being a happy addition to my life he took over, asked me to marry him, although i don't think he was serious. he has depression, was medically retired..
why then do i feel i love him, although cant be with him? i push him away and to be honest i have probably treat him quite badly at times. why do i keep my feelings from others as if he isnt really real and separate him from my normal everyday life?Almost pretend i havent been in a realtionship with him.. I know i cant be with him, i would just like to insight into why i behaved this way, when i am normally a very fair person. i have felt i cannot say "no" to him so instead of being upfront have gone along with things. at times i have almost "hidden" in my house to avoid him. Have i lost the plot?