How to support sister-Her boyfriend has attacked her

[happy2bhomely]

My 19 yr old sister was attacked by her boyfriend on Thursday. He kicked down a door and punched, kicked and head butted her. He had a knife but didn't use it. A neighbour dragged him off her and he left before police arrived. Her 2 yr old son was there. The police were called and they are still looking for him. He has since text and asked "How is my little punch bag?" He suspected that she had been talking to someone on Facebook and told her it was "time to face her punishment." He smashed her flat up and took her phone.

A bit of background...
Sister has a son from a previous relationship. She ended the relationship earlier this year because she said he was controlling, but never violent. He was very sensible, hard working and a great dad. She said he was boring.

She started a new relationship a few months ago. We had our doubts (understatement) because at 19, he had already spent time in prison. He seemed nice enough and we tried to welcome him. He lost his dad at 14, and we felt sorry for him.

My sister was offered a safe house, which she refused. She spent the night in a hotel room with my mum. I tried to talk to her and it ended in her screaming at me and telling me that I would never see my nephew again. I suggested that it was irresponsible to refuse the offer of a safe house. I told her I just wanted to help. She walked off with my nephew on her hip and a bag in her hand.

She has dropped her son at his nans. (Thank god) and she is with a friend. She has posted song lyrics on Facebook. Mr Wrong, Hate how much I love you and nothing compares to you. If it wasn't so tragic it would be funny.

I don't think she has any intention of ending the relationship. I am so scared for her and terrified for my nephew.

What can we do?

Are social services involved if the child was a witness?

Until your sister sees sense I am not sure there is anything you can do.

Is she listening to anyone about this?

What a huge worry for you all.

Try not to blame her. In relationships like this there is a lot of programming involved before the assault and she would likely need to be de-programmed by women's aid for want of a better phrase.

If you or someone else can convince her to call women's aid on the basis they will not make her leave but support her whatever she does then I think it would be helpful.

As far as I know, the police informed social services and they have spoken to my sister.

I would never share this with my sister, but I'm so angry with her. It breaks my heart to think of my nephew seeing that. I know it's not her fault that he hit her, but she has involved this man in his life- surely she has to take some responsibility for that? Surely it is her responsibility to never let this man have contact with her or her son again? She has a duty to protect her little boy.

I've looked on women's aid and tried to educate myself. I understand why women stay. I understand that if they have no family, no support, then it must be very hard. I understand if you are financially dependent it might seem impossible.

They don't live together.
They don't have children together.
He doesn't work, so he has no money.
She has a mum, dad and sisters who can offer emotional and practical support.
But, "because I love him" seems like such a pathetic reason.

Please tell me that you didn't tell your sister what you've written above ? Because until you lose the mentality that ANY of this attack is her fault, I suggest you stay well away from her. And how dare you call her pathetic. I am not surprised she walked away from you.

How about 'because she's immature, insecure, lonely, lacks confidence, craves excitement/attention and thought a 'dangerous' boyfriend would be better than being single and/or boring'?

I don't know your circumstances OP but one reason you might have got such a hostile response is if she thinks she is inferior to you and the rest of the family in some way. Perhaps her choice of boyfriend started out as a statement of rebellion or assertion of independence and now she feels to admit she made a mistake would be a major loss of face? I'd suggest, therefore, that you try to resist telling her what to and avoid making judgements about either him or her because she won't listen. Just tell her that you love her, want to support her and try to raise her confidence.

It isn't always to do with anything practical. It is to do with emotional and psychological conditioning, some of which may have come from society and not just from him. I see what you are saying about needing to put her child first but it isn't helpful to mention in an adversarial way.

People don't behave how she is just because they are irresponsible. There is often an awful lot more going on and children, even close in age, can have very different experiences in childhood.

Like I said, I would never share my thoughts with my sister. I was sharing my feelings in a 'safe place' here and don't intend sharing them with anyone in real life. I am not suggesting that any of the attack is her fault. I didn't call her pathetic-I said it seemed like a pathetic reason. I know I don't understand, but I am trying to.

I told her that I love her. I told her she could call me any time of the day or night and I would get to her. I told her that she absolutely did not deserve to be hit-no matter what. The last thing I want to do is alienate her (and play straight into his hands) I told her that she must listen to the police and not contact him. I asked her if she needed anything. She just started screaming that she didn't need anyone. I told her to calm down in front of her son and she told me to fuck off.

I've messaged her to say that I am here for her, unconditionally.

You've done all you can reasonably do. At some level she knows what has happened is wrong and that everyone's giving her good advice. With any luck, when the fog of sentimental song lyrics rolls back, she'll have the courage to do the right thing and make another fresh start.

She needs to know and be shown, carefully, slowly and very, very tactfully that there is a different life available to her without this abuse arse and that she and her son have every chance of finding someone who can love and support them both.
it's very hard. Abusive men can, wittingly or not, work their charm, be sexually attractive because they are dangerous or damaged. He may have told her that she deserves nothing more than to be his "punchbag". She will for better or worse mourning what she thought he represented and a future that she might have desperately wished for.
Please don't lecture her, don't try to work out why and how she thought this abuser was god's gift, but give her opportunities to work that one out herself and hopefully in time with some counselling and support from Women's Aid.

Before this happened, I offered to attend an evening class with her. There is no way she would go by herself. She is dyslexic and believes she is stupid. She agreed and we had been looking at what is available.

Since she met him, she has said "we're the same" over and over again. She really identifies with him and believes he 'gets' her. She has been smoking weed with him.

He seems ok with her little boy, but she has worried me. She has little patience with him and doesn't pay him enough attention. We were already scared that she was running the risk of losing him. She was living in what can only be described as a hovel. We used to go in and crash clean regularly, to keep on top of things, but it was trashed again within a week.

She swears at him and has told us that she is using the empty bath as a naughty step.

She smokes in the home even though he has asthma. A year ago, she wouldn't have have let a smoker near him.

She cried to my mum last week saying that he would be better with his dad because she wasn't sure she felt the same about him anymore. She denied she said this the next morning. She is restricting access to his dad.

I offered to have him a few mornings a week to give her some breathing space, but she declined. She missed his home visit for nursery this week.

I'll be honest. I hate to admit it, but she is not looking after him properly. This time last year she was doing so well. She seemed so happy. Her little boy is so bright and articulate and funny. I can't bear to think of him scared.

Post natal depression. I would eat my hat if that wasn't behind this.

She sounds hugely depressed, and vunerable because of it. He's of course playing on this.

She needs some support right now, or she will loose her son.

Well, I can just imagine the response I would get if I suggested she visited her GP. There is no way she would see the doctor.

I'm hoping that social services offer some support and keep an eye on things. I'm going to give her some time to calm down.

"I would never share this with my sister, but I'm so angry with her". Why not? Your young nephew was there (but my God, I hope he didn't witness this).

Being there for her no matter what is one thing that is helpful. Speaking the truth is another.