Over reacting?

[bloodyconfused]

Im upset and need to vent and to get my thoughts straight I dont know how much of this is due to hormones/mediction.

Background is that we are going through IVF, for the 3rd time and gave up smoking this week.

DH has a short temper. He flies off the handle, but it is never directed at me or DD I just let him stomp about chunnering/ranting etc. He is very appologetic afterward, and usually its only a couple of minutes of pointed ignoring him and its over.

However we can usually have a rational debate about most things without his temper showing. It normally flares about mundane things such as not being able to find stuff, being late etc and perhaps once or twice a month.

I've never been in fear of him. More let him get on with it and burn himself out.

Tonight it got personal.

Tonight whilst prepping the injections he started saying that I was chosing to wallow. How much better I would feel if I started to do more exercise. I'm a hormonal mess and started to cry, I said this is not the time to start nagging, we've been here before he should know what to expect at this stage in the treatment etc I have little energy and and find day to day tasks hard.

Without repeating verbatim the whole conversation, he said I was a loser who took the course of least resistence, that I gave him nothing. I repeated about not now. He started to rant about it not being just now but for months hed' got nothing from me.

I screeched Fuck off and knocked stuff off the coffee table. As I tried to leave he got hold of me by my shoulder, and still had the needle in his hand. he was furious, shouting you don't know how lucky you are whilst visably restraing himself from hitting me (wth raised with the needle above me) arm trembling.

All I could repeat was why wait until half way through IVF to bring this up???

I tried to hide in the bedroom, scared for the first time ever.

He calmed down, and was horrified, but stood by some of what he said. I said I wanted him to leave. He refused. I said I would leave with DD as I would not put her at risk. I soon realised that waking and dragging a toddler half-way accross the city isn't a good idea, and that I was in no immediate danger.

He said that he loves me very much, and hates seeing me so low.

He was appologetic I couldn't respond to him. There was a whole load of grovling. I fianlly took the injection to keep my options open.

Am I overreacting?

No you're not over reacting at all. Next time he will hit you. Read "Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds of Angry & Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft - you can find 2nd hand copies on amazon or eBay. It will open your eyes & I think you'll recognise a lot of what is described. I really don't think you should have another child with him right now - pregnancy tends to exacerbate domestic abuse. So sorry to hear this

He's all sweetness and light this morning. He really is a good Dad. He does more than his fair share, and the housework is equally divided (as it should be) he brings me coffee in bed every morning. He is affectionate. We are on the same wave length, and like the same stuff. We have the same values.
I
He did get more frustrated when I was pregnant with dd, but it was never personal, never aimed at me. Not like last night.

By the way I've name changed. He knows my regular name on here.

So, let me get this straight, you are feeling rubbish physically because of the treatment you are having just now? He then launches a tirade telling you how shite you are that ends in him threatening to hit you? Not just hit you but to stab you with a needle?

He is a psychopath, get away from him and get your DD away from him - what is he going to do to her when she is feeling sorry for herself one day? or doesn't behave how the controlling bastard wants her to?

Im so so sorry for you, i know it must be really difficult to be mid treatment, but i would be seriously considerin stopping this course of treatment if only to make the point that this is not acceptable. Although i would be seriously questioning if i could have anymore children with this man.

He is not a good dad, good dads don't go into rages and threaten to hit the mother of their children. The fact that he doesn't direct his rage at your or DD normally wont make it any less scary for your DD when her father is unpredictably cluttering around the house in a temper. What about when her behaviour becomes challenging?

Oh hold on a minute. Was he preparing to give you the injection, rather than 'about to stab you with the needle'? He didn't do that, he didn't hit and I don't see from the OP that he threatened it either. Both were in a temper.

OP... I'm sorry that you're feeling low; your thoughts must be everywhere. So must your husband's be. IVF affects a couple, not just one of them. I don't think he should be asked to leave, he's done nothing to warrant that. You both 'lost it' and need to talk. Maybe leave the IVF for a little while until you've both come through whatever it is but why would you want to conceive a child with somebody you want to throw out?

Posters cannot know that he is not a good dad from what you've posted, but that is the sort of judgement you'll get - and it's going to be impossible to come back from that.

Talk more - both of you - get to the bottom of the issues before you add the enormous stress of IVF.

Would you characterise his everyday behavioiur as abusive or controlling?

I would say that his hot temper is something he really needs to change as it's something that could easily get out of control. Last night seemed to be right on the verge of doing so.

For you, I think you should read up on domestic violence and particularly the early signs. Abusive men are often sweetness and light for years at the beginning of a relationship, and after a period of being abusive (it's called the cycle of abuse).

You might need to keep this in mind and have a plan B somewhere at the back of your mind for leaving if you should need to. Don't forget if you ever feel under the threat of violence you should ring 999.

IVF must be very hard for both of you and you probably need to both really try to de-stress as much as poss.

Just to add something on the 'domestic violence' issue. If my husband swept things off a table in 'temper', I'd be upset, it doesn't make it any less meaningful if a woman does it. Stress is stress but I'm loathe to make assumptions about what individual incidents 'mean' from such meagre information.

I'd be thinking of couple's counselling before further IVF attempts - for everybody's sake, not least the couple's daughter.

Thanks ...I am trying to get my fuddled head around it . It feels like a one off. I think in 10 years there would have been more of an escalation surely?

I need to clear my head.

He was threatening me with the needle (ARM pulled back as if he was going to punch, wit h the needle in his fist, roaring in my face trembling. with restraining himself) whilst roaring about me being " so
Close"

I am aware of red-flags but I also know the toll this is taking (IVF).

Very good post from lying

Sorry missed your last post stating he was threatening to stab you

In that case he is awful, really awful. I don't agree that next time it will be worse but I think you both need space and now is not the time to be pursuing IVF.

That being said stress and provocation does terrible things to people. Years ago (16 to be precise) DH was violent towards me. We weren't married he was young snd drunk and I had behaved appallingly. We got over it and he had never so much as shouted at me since. I genuinely believe that people can have momentary lapses in judgment which are not indicative of worse behaviour to come. I am sure that there will be people who will tell you that your DH is an abuser who will never change and equally that they sad for me and it is only a matter of time before my DH flips out again but I don't believe in black and white.

Get some space and think.

That puts a different slant on it, OP. I thought he was injecting you as the partners of some couples do. I wouldn't be considering having further children with him, not for now anyway - and never if he doesn't get help for his anger problems.

I've never been in a relationship where I've felt fear of being hit, perhaps that's why I don't see the 'signs' in what other people write here.

I'm sorry for your troubles, OP. I think you both need some help to decide where you go from here. I really wouldn't let myself get pregnant right now.

Thanks for your thoughts.

I am quietly digesting them.

I wrote the post as I couldn't sleep, and needed to off load somewhere safe.

It's a case of loosing the embryos they have defrosted if we stop at this stage. I will be 40 next year, and this is our last chance. I had a MC at 10 weeks in Feb which would have been due around now.

It's a big step to take. It's final. We dont have time for councelling etc. Nor could we afford another round if we wanted to.

If I walk away now I loose everything, but at what risk?

He wants another child as much as I do, in fact he was the one who wanted to get this cycle of IVF started ASAP.

I know if I was reading this Id be shouting nothing is worth the risk of DV

Do you feel there is a risk of DV then BC? Surely you would have seen some other signs by now? What's he like if he doesn't get his own way?

Would it break your heart to give up on the idea of another pg, probably for good? How would you feel if you were pg and it all went tits up? If you had to become a lp?

I think if it were me (and I was in similar situation, mc then no more chances) I'd want to try for another if I could above anything else. But I suppose some would say it wouldn't be sensible