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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

A bit of a rant re: Lack of communication....

5 replies

FlippetyFlipFlaps · 14/09/2012 22:08

Things have not being going well with DH for awhile.

I feel there is a lack of respect and a lack of communication. I always try and make some form of effort of being interested in his life by asking how his day has been, whether anything interesting has happened at work etc. He never asks me any questions about how I am, or what I've been up to. If something has happened to him, either a good or bad thing, he will talk to me for ages about all the ins and outs of it and I will listen. If something happens to me and I want to talk about it, he is very dismissive and does'nt want to know.

Often, if I have one of life's "AIBU" style incidences whereby someone (whether someone in a shop, a doctor or whoever) says something that is a bit off - like I don't like their tone or something, he will always say that I'm being too sensitive or make out as though it was nothing. I find his response to these situations really undermining and makes me feel like I'm imagining that someone has been rude to me. I know that I am not being massively sensitive as when I then tell other people about said occurrences, they agree with me, and things that have happened to me that I have told DH about have then happened to him and he is not happy about it either.

Another issue is this. I've always been quite a shy, reserved person. I have always been the sort of person with a handful of really close friends as opposed to having 8 million mates. I am actually totally comfortable with this, as i feel I have really great support from some really lovely friends. I used to have a bit of complex about this, as I personally think there is generally a lot of pressure for people to come across as very extravert and to have a large social group. As I have gotten older, I just think each to to their own- I'm quite happy so why would I change? DH is very sociable, has a lot of old school, uni and work friends. Describes himself as a social animal etc. This is fine too - different strokes for different folks - but he always seems to be very competitive about it, showing off about how many friends he has, telling me I have NO friends, that I have problems etc. I used to sort of agree with him, but the last year I feel like I'm coming into my own and have realised I am actually alright, having a few friends does not make you a weirdo and if fundamentally I am happy with my life then why should I change. I don't like the insinuation that he makes that I'm so below him. He will often only raise this issue if we are having an argument about something so I think he is just trying to put me down.

There is no affection in the relationship, I would love to come home to a warm hug and a listening ear. I think this relationship is not going to last the way it is going at the moment. Does anyone have any views?

OP posts:
Guiltypleasures001 · 14/09/2012 22:27

hell yes..leave the bastard

carefulobserver · 15/09/2012 12:57

I would get the hell out of a relationship like that. If you don't have kids the consequences will be minimal, I would hope.

ChitchatAtHome · 15/09/2012 13:08

Has it always been this way? Different personality types can be together happily, but only if each party is tolerant of the other's personality type. Your DH doesn't sound as though he is at all tolerant of your differences.

Everyone can go through selfish phases when things build up or they have a lot on, my DH does this occasionally. Being a SAHM I guess my events aren't quiet as earth shatteringly exciting, but on the occasions when he's been dismissive I've pulled him up on it and he stops it straight away. If this is continuous, then it doesn't bode well for your relationship.

garlicnutty · 15/09/2012 13:27

telling me I have NO friends, that I have problems etc. I used to sort of agree with him, but the last year I feel like I'm coming into my own and have realised I am actually alright

Good for you!! :)

I fear it looks as though your marriage was underpinned by your shared view of his superiority. Now you've realised you're at least as good as him, this is flaking apart. As, indeed, it should. It's not the best reason to spend your life with someone.

You haven't said much about how you feel overall in your relationship. Have you been telling him not to put you down? Highlighting your own good points? Ever said "You've been talking about the traffic jam for ten minutes, now it's my turn to talk and yours to listen"? If you have, and it's creating tension, then it's time to quit. You can find a self-centred critic anywhere, you don't need to be married to one.

amillionyears · 15/09/2012 15:39

Dos he love you do you think
When did the affection stop?

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