relationship too sexual

[runamile]

I am in a new relationship (9 weeks plus weeks of texting/online messaging)which has become too sexual and I don't know if I can pull it back.

He is a nice guy and when we first talked and met, things were great. When things became physical, I was so over the moon that I could feel again (after 15 years with ex) that the sexual feelings were overwhelming. We set up an afternoon sex session quite early on and that is how things have remained. The urge to have sex is greater than the urge to go out and do stuff. (Is this normal?!)

Now the texting is very explicit. I have been shy about this but sometimes I have gone along with it or thought what the hell but then felt stupid or guilty after. Now we are saying things we want to do that I would never do in real life!(Is this normal? Texts weren't invented the last time I met someone new!)

So, what do I do now? The relationship is only sex and I feel sad about that because we might have had a chance if I had behaved differently. Should I keep it casual and enjoy FWB sex? Should I call it a day to get a bit of self-respect back? Can I get a relationship out of this? Or should I go for it and try things I've never done before as I don't think I will have such feelings or compatibility with anyone ever again?

Btw, I am too embarrassed to tell you what I do for a living or how old I am, suffice to say I should really know better!

I had a similar thing when I separated from my ex of 16 yrs earlier this year.

I enjoyed it very much but I realised that we basically had nothing in common apart from sex.

It was great for getting over my STBXH but I called time on it after a few weeks.

Maybe enjoy it and remember it for what it was but move on?

You could try talking to him, he might want to develop it into a relationship too. at least you will know one way or another.

You are never too old etc to think you should know better!!!! Life is for living

I have been with DP for 2 yrs and we are still like this, we have a great relationship and talk, go out and have fun but honestly sex is massive for us.

We still have weekly afternoon sessions and have sex almost everyday, text each other filth and have naughty chats on our phones at work most days (this isn't a boast) we live together and I love him more than my whole heart so I think you can have a loving, happy and raunchy relationship BUT only if its what you both want, we have tones in common so always have a good chat after we have had sex!

I say enjoy your self

I feel a bit better already - thanks for that!

I think it depends on what you want and how secure you are in your own boundaries.

Regarding the fantasy texts, as long as you feel no pressure to do stuff that would be painful, uncomfortable or degrading of women or you personally, it can be liberating and erotic to step out of your comfort zone and try new things.

I've had a few friends who met men via dating sites though and I'd sound a note of caution. It became fairly obvious early on that the men they were meeting were porn users who were just looking for a woman with whom to re-enact what they'd seen online. One friend in particular commented that the men she met seemed to be horribly angry with women in general and one in particular admitted that he watched a lot of sexually violent porn. After the initial eroticism had worn off, all of these very sensible women agreed that these losers were absolutely crap in bed - and more concerned with porn fantasies.

I'm a bit concerned that you think if you'd behaved differently, this relationship might have had legs. Do you think the same of him and how he's behaved?

If you want an exclusive relationship with this man, then it's fine to re-negotiate the boundaries. He's then free to agree, or not. He might be a 'man for the season' and no harm's done.

Just make sure you don't feel any pressure either from him, society or worse still yourself, to do things that don't sit well with you, either personally or politically.

I'm not sure why you feel guilty about sexting and why you feel you've lost self-respect by having a mostly sex-based relationship. What is it exactly? Does he make you feel bad about being sexually-driven, or is it some idea of being a 'nice girl' you have?

Sex can be the lynchpin of a relationship. I think it's fairly normal to want to shag like bunnies once you've started.

If you want more than just the sex, arrange to meet somewhere public and shag in the toilets.

I love your replies! They are giving me confidence to enjoy it & release the guilt. I can't help wondering what he thinks of me though. Someone once told me I was intimidating in bed & those words rang in my head for a long time.

The one who said you were intimidating said waaaaaaay more about his sexual confidence than yours, runamile.

If you're having fun, you're having fun. If he's the settle-down type, he'll settle down. Maybe you can do both, as a couple, maybe you can't. Take it day by day amd enjoy what you have.

If a guy tells you you're scary in bed, the next may think you're tame - it's what is right for you both.

Stop worrying about what he thinks. If he likes you, he does - if he thinks badly of you for shagging/sexting him, then he's not worth worrying about. You have no idea what he's actually thinking, you're just putting your own prejudices on him.

There is nothing at all wrong with having loads and loads of sex as long as you and anyone else participating enjoys it. It's not wrong to experiment with new or unusual sexual practices as long as they are not dangerous and as long as you a) like the idea of trying whatever it is and b) trust the other participant/s to stop without complaining if you find you actually don't like whatever it is very much.

Though any man you have enjoyed consensual sex with who says anything about how you are 'bad' for having done it should be dumped on the spot. Misogyny isn't attractive.

The nice thing is it is obvious he really likes women. I am not concerned that he would coerce me into doing something I didn't want to do - in fact he said he wouldn't - and none of the sexting is shades of gray style, thank god, not my scene to be passive or masochistic!

Blimey, what youve got sounds great with this chap! Physical compatability (i.e. wanting to shag ALL THE TIME) is what binds you together in the early days. I believe that there is science behind this: evolutionary speaking, the hormones that are released during sex help you want to stay together.

If you have this great physical chemistry, the relationship aspects will follow. Stop analysing, and just enjoy this for what it is, and what it can become.

Stop thinking of what is 'appropriate' and that you should "know better". Just know that all of this is okay, and to have that attraction to someone is extremely special.

Just a thought - what would happen if you suggested say meeting for dinner/the cinema/coffee? Or if you needed him to help out with a bit of DIY/moving boxes. Create a small fake errand, see what his reaction is?

That might direct you to open up the more "relationship in addition to the fab sex" OR establish that it is just bedroom based. Not a bad thing in itself, but if you get the impression he isn't really that open to much beyond the naked stuff, you might want to start exploring ways to acquire other bits of totty whilst keeping the fab sex other options.

Oh as other posters have said, PLEASE don't start thinking "oh no, I've mucked this up I have no self respect blah blah blah". You have/have had a lover, as the Europeans say, which is a good experience and something to look back on with pleasure when you are old

That's an excellent idea ilovemyteddies, that fake errand. Not sure what he would do so it would be good to find out!

Sexting, it wasn't around last time I went out with a man either, its hard to know the protocol!

However, its more than likely he instigated the sexting, etc, it I'm guessing, and if you haven't had sex for a while or felt desired by a man, its hard not to respond in some way . But honestly, I think it really is a bit juvenile (myself).

Generally, I think if a man over-sexualises a relationship very early on and you suddenly get the feeling that is what has happened, sexting or no-sexting, its not the best sign in the world.

When it happened to me with someone (not the sexting thing, but just getting a feeling about it), I decided to pull back a while from the sex, I think I even told him I thought that it felt a bit one-sided, maybe lets focus on other things for a while blah blah. I didn't see him after that, so I guess that was my answer ... you may be more lucky .

Wow you are one lucky lady I say go with it dont feel guilty , I know it is not what you would consider the norm , but what is norm these days? as you say there was no sextexting in our days of dating, it has given us peotic license to be more free to express ourselfs about our fantasies , it is all part of the fun !, I really hope it works out for you, and trust me this kind of thing which i am sure you are only too aware does not happen everyday in ones life so all the best with it.

hmmm... I'm seeing all the more positive responses, and its making me think. Perhaps I've just had too many negative experiences with men, and its affecting my judgment Perhaps I should lay of Mumsnet Rltnshps for a while ...

However, I do think if someone posts something on here, there is by definition a problem somewhere, even if the OP is not clear what it is.

On the plus side, I think once you realise what a problem is about, you have a chance to Negotiate (unless EA). So, perhaps that is what you need to do here OP and maybe you will get a positive outcome? However, be wary of compromising your sense of self-respect ....

Personally I wold be a bit wary of a relationship where you didn't want to shag all the time early on. Sex is a huge part of bonding early on.

Dh and I spent most of the first year together jumping into bed at the drop of a hat (a day where we only did it once was a bit of a flat day). Over 20 years and 2 dc later, such antics are long gone, but by now we have plenty of other stuff to keep us together (and sex is still fab when we do get it, which is pretty important to us too).

Enjoy this phase while it lasts is my advice. Dh and I were like this for the first 3 years, we went on holiday several times and didn't leave the place we were staying for a week, ah those were the days.
Now if we get an afternoon to ourselves we're usually too knackered to do anything. Have fun!