What is going on here? Long, don't want to drip feed.

[Heleninahandcart]

Should probably have name changed but what the hell. I think I need help, I'm hoping I can get some perspective on my behaviour. After a long single spell, I've been back in the dating pool. I've just parted with man I'd been seeing for a few weeks. I reacted badly as felt he was criticising me (again) when he was teasing and I have 'no sense of humour'. Regardless, there were a few red flags and I knew it was not working at an early stage.

The issue is that both he and previous bf (a lovely man but with serious issues) said the same thing, I always come out fighting, will always argue black to their white. So there have been two very different characters telling me the same thing. I'm also worried about the similar way both relationships ended with me being shouty on the phone with "back the fuck off" to Red Flag Man and "please, please stop arguing" to LM

My background is single parent of DS18, father never was around. 2yrs ago I left a high pressure professional job after crumpling with bullying boss. It turned out I was not the only one but was her favourite. Bullying started after I was off sick with breast cancer, if anything the bullying did more damage. I've realised I've had abusive relationships in the past, early marriage years ago with severe EA and DV. Had DS mid 30s, since then one LD relationship with a narc, a couple of other short term LD relationships. Put relationships on hold to concentrate on DS, health and look after myself. Most of the time I've been single, I like my own company and my friends.

As background, narc tendancy mother, think I picked up a few traits along the way which I have worked on unlearning. DM is emotionally cold as ice, she is elderly now and getting dementia so no chance of any resolution. Although I think she is proud of me, I feel I am not the 'naice' daughter she wanted. I'm mixed race but racism was always denied at home. Calling anyone it meant I had a chip on my shoulder. Only child and always felt different and isolated, was generally unpopular and I didn't know how to behave socially. Labelled 'difficult' by authority until I went to University and was suddenly very bright instead .

I have good relationships with my friends, although I have let too many friendships slide over the years and I'm not great and staying in touch. I'm seen as the strong, sorted one. I've worked on myself and apparently I'm fine now socially.

So there is a pattern of me attracting abusive partners in the past, and then the work place bullying. I have also had very low self esteem for most of my life. I am learning to value myself now and I am making better choices in life generally. With relationships I'm at least spotting the red flags and instead of sticking with it, thinking I can fix them or putting up with stuff because early I'm 'difficult'. I'm recognising when it is not right and know when I deserve better.

I think I value myself now but it seems I may be fighty and agressive. I know I'm shouty, but I'm not nasty with it. I do know I'm defensive. I seem to have gone from taking everything to heart to erecting boundaries with spikes on. Yes I need some sort of counselling to think things through but I have a gut feel that I'm missing something obvious here. Please forgive typos in advance, dyslexic and I can't always see them reading back.

Sounds like you have it covered, OP: you've identified the issues, and have a plan (counselling) to work on the things you want to improve.

carry on, I'd say.

While you might wish to moderate the shouting tendency a little, I wouldn't take anything to heart that men on a dating site say. Generally speaking, they are hardly the cream of the crop. In fact, being "unsuitable" for them might by some be seen as a huge compliment...I don't think most of them want a woman with any personality, intelligence or ambition.

No offence intended to the lucky few who have met someone decent!

You sound very self aware, which is a good thing.

But, you have clearly been through a lot - cancer, work problems and bullying, relationship breakdown.
It is perfectly natural that you've thrown up some fairly high walls to protect yourself.

I would go and get some counselling and just spend some time coming to terms with everything that has happened to you. When you are happier, then is the time to date again.

An awful lot of men don't like a woman who stands up for herself. They can't get over a deep conviction that men are not just better than women but in control of them, so a woman who argues and stands her ground is just bad as far as they are concerned.

Never feel that you have to change or hide parts of yourself or submit even when you are in the right, just to Have A Man In Your Life - it's better to be single than attached to someone unsatisfactory.

I don't know. I flip flop between thinking it's them or its me. Even if is them though, there has to be a middle course between going in for the kill and standing my ground.

I do know I'd rather be single than with a fuckwit. There is a age issue too, I'm 55 and have been trying to date men my age so set a limit of 45. Thinking about it I've not had a problem with younger men who like the woman rather than the girl.

Hiya : ) I would say that it's them and you. Great that you are picking up the red flags and acting to protect yourself. Maybe you can explore what might draw you to a particular type of man who you would get into this situation with - what's the unconscious stuff that draws you? And the other bit is maybe something about getting into a particular dynamic with abusive potential, and your instinctive reaction to it. Is there any other way you would want to respond?

I think you are an amazing strong woman who hard worked damn hard all her life with it sounds like not alot of family support , you need honey to take care of yourself like you said , you sound very sorted and aware of your needs and seem to be facing them head on, I take my hat off to you, you will come through the other side , but please dont be so hard on yourself , it sounds like you havebeen hurt in the past whether it was family or men , there seems to be a BIG hurt still there that mkes it hard for you to trust men, not uncommon try the counselling, remember you have alot of living to do and a loving of loving.