How important is sex in a marriage?

[hypotheticalquestion]

Have namechanged for this, as DH knows I use MN and knows my username - have been on MN for years.

Just wondering whether sex/ physical attraction are imperative or if you can have a perfectly happy marriage without them?

I was only 20 when I married my DH, we've been married for 10 years, 2 kids. If I'm absolutely honest, I was never madly physically attracted to him, but his personality appealed to me - he was - and still is - the kindest, most caring, gentle and lovely person I know - but not my 'type' physically. I asked him out because a friend dared me to, I'd just broken up with someone and thought why not? We got on really well, and I figured personality was far more important than physical chemistry. We do have sex occasionally, not nearly as much as I'd like as he seems to have a much lower sex drive than I do. We have spoken about this, but never really get anywhere - he doesn't talk much about that sort of thing. What strikes me as strange is that only now has it started to bother me that I don't feel attracted to him I feel increasingly frustrated and wonder if I was naive to think it didn't matter if I didn't find him physically attractive. I am aware of how shallow this makes me sound, especially as in all other respects he is a wonderful husband and father. All relationships have their problems, and this is just ours isn't it?

It's not shallow at all

For me physical attraction and sexual intimacy are a hugely important factor in a happy and healthy relationship. As is the ability to communicate openly about it.

Personally I couldn't be in a relationship like yours. And I wouldn't have married someone just because they were a nice guy.

If the positives outweigh the negatives for you and you're happy having a comfortable matey marriage then you'll be able to carry on as before.

But if it begins to become a bigger issue you could be dealing with resentment/anger/frustration and possibly the temptation of looking elsewhere.

A proper conversation and more effort is needed.

I don't think you are shallow: sexual intimacy/compatibility is a hugely important aspect of a relationship.

It may be possible to have a relationship which lacks in this if you're both happy, but you are not are you?

If its important to you its important. I only realised this when I left a relationship where it seemingly didn't matter and we just plodded along like v close friends and went into one where sex and intimacy was completely different and changed everything. I think its why we have been together so long it just adds another dimension to a great friendship and tbh I don't think I could go back. When you do have sex is it good Could you initiate more and talk etc ?

none is probably OK if both are fine with none.

problems start when one of you isn't.

I find the more I get the more I need. I've just gone from years of celibacy to having sex every single day and it's still not enough.

"wonder if I was naive to think it didn't matter"

This. Maybe not naive, exactly. Maybe a little idealistic to think that other qualities are an adequate substitute for animal passion. But woman cannot live by admiration alone. Feel a little sorry for him, actually.

Me too Cognito.

I loved someone from afar once. Everything I looked for in a man. Kind, intelligent, witty, wealthy (!) but no looker. 'Never mind' I thought, 'only shallow people go for looks'. When I finally got to snog him it was like kissing a rubber glove & the earth stayed resolutely still. If I'd stayed with him (and he was keen) I'd probably be living the high life right now, a brood of sprogs at boarding school and treated like the Queen of Sheba.... .... nah...

A successful relationship requires all the elements, physical and mental closeness, and mutual love and respect. If any or all of those are missing it is not going to work out long term.

If I were you I'd work on the relationship you have before you get too hung up on finding some hot bod to get sweaty with. Read Scorpio's thread about sleeping with another man despite a good relationship with her DH of 20 years. It's a sad thread.

Thanks for the replies. Panic - I don't have any intention of jacking in my marriage for the opportunity to have more sex. I do sometimes fantasise about this though which makes me feel bad for my head not being in the right place. I probably do need to work on our relationship more - he's physically affectionate but I imagine I will always have a higher sex drive. I do really deeply love him and know he'd do anything for me and can trust him absolutely. He is my best friend and I feel terrible for being so negative about this one aspect - I should be more grateful for all the great elements of our relationship - after all, looks fade don't they? Will look up Scorpio's thread, even though that is not my intention at all!

Noddy, it is good, could be better, but he's very considerate of my needs when we do have sex. Perhaps if I initiate more and keep talking our sex life will improve - I suspect it will always be me doing the initiating though :) It's just occurred to me that perhaps my frustration is also tied into the fact that I'm a SAHM (have been for 6 years) and have been getting increasingly desperate to get back to work and get more of a social life for myself (DH is much more of a homebody and not that into socialising).

Got to go and do dinner etc. Back later!

It brings a whole new level of closeness and intimacy.

I am going through the same thing, except no children and I actually do find my husband physically attractive. My thread

Shit isn't.it.

hypotheticalquestion your post is exactly my position. I love my husband but my sex drive is so much higher.