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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to deal with my sulking partner

40 replies

JoRich77 · 14/09/2012 13:42

Hi, feeling a bit desperate today. Yesterday I confronted my partner as I was worried he had invested in shares which were down a lot of money. He blew up and couldnt understand why I was worrying, it would all make good, he would still have money to pay the bills etc. Then he refused to talk anymore and went into a major sulk. He has hardly spoken to me since yesterday morning, only when we went out for pre- arranged dinner with friends when he was no different to normal.

I had first scan yesterday (7 weeks) and he then refused to come with me. I begged him to come and he eventually came but didnt say a thing the whole time. Its like he is punishing me..

I have read that when a partner gives you the silent treatment you should ignore them rather than pander to them but this is really difficult and upsetting.

This is probably about the second time this has happened but he came out of his sulk pretty quickly last time. The good thing is that we have already had one counselling session for other issues and more planned.

But how do I deal with his behaviour in the mean time? I actually really feel like shouting at him to shake him out of his stupid mood.

OP posts:
pictish · 15/09/2012 23:23

Sulking is never good. It's controlling and childish and nasty.
You're right OP - he is punishing you.
The silent treatment throughout the scan is despicable. It is designed to make you think you have done something really wrong. Something so bad that he can't bear to talk to you, even though you are at a baby scan together.

Let me assure you - you haven't.

Big red flag OP.

pictish · 15/09/2012 23:24

As for dealing with him? Don't.
This behaviour is his choice.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 15/09/2012 23:34

OneMoreChap - do you think sulking is an acceptable, adult response to a disagreement with one's partner?

BustersOfDoom · 16/09/2012 00:01

Any parent will tell you that the way to deal with a sulking child is to ignore the behaviour and to carry on regardless. Children have an excuse however as they are immature emotionally and don't always understand the consequences of their actions. Adult sulkers on the other hand do. They are wanting to provoke a reaction in the other person to make them insecure and pander to the sulker's needs. What did I do wrong, please tell me, I'm so sorry, please talk to me etc etc.

The best thing you can do is to ignore it completely, pretend it isn't happening and just be your normal self. Like you would with a sulky toddler. Difficult I know but you have to be strong on this one. He's trying to play mind games but hasn't banked on the collective MN wisdom. He won't like it but so what? Who wants to be married to such a childish, pathetically manipulative arse? Sulking is so sexy. Not!

OneMoreChap · 16/09/2012 08:48

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius

Absolutely not!
I think although it's hard, OP should ignore him until he behaves as an adult. I'm rather more concerned about his approach to money and investments and think she has more problems coming, too.

CouthyMowWearingOrange · 16/09/2012 09:09

My ex was a sulker. Again, my ex. Note the theme here, OP? Most people who have posted on this thread who ended up with a sulker are no longer in a relationship with them.

And tbh, I think the sulking is only a small part of your issues in this relationship. The person you are having a child with treats you normally in front of others, but is rude and disrespectful behind closed doors. So he KNOWS that behaving like that is unacceptable, because he doesn't do it around other people that he knows. Yet he CHOOSES to treat you like that DESPITE knowing it's wrong.

That is not just a red flag for future abuse, but a stonkingly loud klaxon.

I am concerned about what the 'other issues' that you are covering in your counselling for. Because without a full picture of what your issues in your relationship are, it's hard to say whether the sulking is just another facet of an emotionally abusive arsehole, or whether it is the one bad point of an otherwise normal, if emotionally immature person.

I don't want to make a snap judgement on your DP, but equally, the sulking when you are alone, but behaving normally towards you when you are in company coupled with the lack of consultation on investments, AND having to be cajoled into attending the scan of his child, when he should WANT to be there to emotionally support you, and to see his unborn child, makes me feel that there is far more that you aren't telling us that will build a true picture of your partner's personality, and how he treats you.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 16/09/2012 11:25

OneMoreChap - in that case, isn't "Are you five years old?" a reasonable response to the sulking? I would say that it was.

OneMoreChap · 16/09/2012 11:57

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius Sun 16-Sep-12 11:25:45
isn't "Are you five years old?" a reasonable response to the sulking? I would say that it was.

Might have made that poster feel better, but I doubt a productive result to the idiot the OP referred to.

As I suggested - just asking for a come-back.

pictish · 16/09/2012 11:59

I agree onemorechap - it would only aggravate the situation further, and give him yet more fuel for his fair.

pictish · 16/09/2012 12:00

fire even...

ivykaty44 · 16/09/2012 12:03

TBH I wouldn't stay put but go out and enjoy myself and just keep thinking his trying to punish me isn't going to work or get to me.

I wouldn't get him to come with me to scan

I wouldn't worry if he didn't want to go out for dinner

I would go out of the house and see friends etc

let him sulk alone

Fairenuff · 16/09/2012 12:21

I would ask him in front of the friends at dinner why he was talking to me now when he had been ignoring me all day.

But then, I believe in questioning behaviour, not stepping around it. I would not let this lie, I would have to have a conversation with him about it.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 16/09/2012 12:23

Fair point, OneMoreChap. I might have struggled not to say it, even so.

BobblyOrangeGoldGussets · 16/09/2012 12:34

The poor old OP hasn't come back Sad.

OP, pregnant or not, you are worth more. You have all these Mumsnetters telling you the same thing. It might seem hard to "deal with" (get rid IMO) now, but do you want years of this and worse?

People are bolstering you up here and telling you how imprtant you are. Do you disagree? Is your partner worth more than you? Can you come back and talk to us? Tell us why you are putting up with this? Maybe then we could help some more. Hope you are ok.

Mayisout · 16/09/2012 12:54

Sounds like he is taking out his annoyance with himself (alot of shares connected with the developing economies like China have plummeted and prob won't climb back for ages) and twisting it to be anger with you, OP. Refusing to come for scan was spiteful. I would have been tempted to sit with a sullen glower on my face and ruin the meal with friends, give him a taste of his own medicine.

One problem is if you try to discuss it he might deny there being anything wrong which is even more frustrating. Definitely make it the main point of next counselling session and let us know what counsellor suggests could do wit some ideas myself

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