hello
Just here for a moan, kick up arse.
My marriage has taken a slump. Been together 10 years, married 4, when we first me we were out all the time, nice holidays, lots of fun etc. My OH used to work for a university and had loads of time off/to himself and now he has a 'proper' job and works full time, seems resentful of the fact he can't 'potter' about having fun (welcome to the real world).
We now have 2 children, 2yo and 16weeks,and something has changed. For a while things have been distant. Last year I was pregnant and we were told my DS was v ill and would not survive, so I had him early and he was cremated. That really knocked me for 6. A few months later we went out together on a rare occasion and after a couple of drinks, my OH annouonced that he carried the plastic bag of ashes with hi, and then produced it. I could have choked!! I was stood in a public bar, with a glass of vino in one hand and a bag of my sons ashes in front of me. I could have swiped my OHs head off for that.
A couple of weeks later he got v drunk (he doesn't drink too much normally) and refused to come home, so I waited up with blood boiling, and tried to remain calm when he came in. He let rip and said blood was thicker than water and of course he preferred his mother to me and if I didn't realise that i was stupid, he said him and his mum were going to take my DD off me and watch me suffer, he implied he was having an affair and said I was a gold digging, nasty something or other (If I'm a gold digger, I'm a crap one as married a bloody university academic). The next day he couldn't remember any of this, and nothing like it has happened since, jeez it was over a year ago, and I have forgiven him putting it down to anger/sadness about the baby. My prob is I can't let it all go in my head, and as a result feel like he drove a wedge in, even if he didn't mean those things, which he said he didn't, why would he want to hurt me so much? - I dont' feel close to him anymore, and we have only had sex 3 times in a year (once to get P with my now 16wo boy).
We are in seperate rooms as his snoring keeps me awake, we dont' ever go out together. he is never romantic or sweet to me. He never seems to want to 'be with me'. I kind of get the feeling if it were not for the kids, we would separate. I appreciate kids change things, but he just seems so bored with us. I want to save and go for a holiday (camping or something cheap and not to far) he says we need to renovate the hall, or build a fence or whatever, he doesn't seem to like taking time off work, and if he does, he takes his phone and will take calls etc. I have a feeling someone else might be around in the background if you get my drift, but he denies any closeness to anyone else, and my sensible head believes him, but my heart does not. In a way I couldn't blame him, but he says he is fine/not interested in anyone else, and I have tried to discuss our issues but he just gets irrate.
I look at my 2 children and want them to grow up with their dad in their lives, and I so want to get things back to how they used to be, but i just dont' seem to be able to. A pal of mine suggested relate, but I'm scared they will force the probs into reality and make them more real, and I dont' know if he could get over that kind of thing.
Sorry, this is a long moan. I had a not so great childhood, and i so want my 2 to have a happy, 2 parent upbringing. We dont' argue or shout (often, I've stopped that) but the spark seems to have gone.
If you have got this far, thank you, just wondering if this is common, can I fix it?