I think my marriage is over, but there is just NO WAY we could afford a divorce.

[FadingDreams]

Over the last 6 months, I have gradually fallen completely out of love with my husband.

I don't know why really. A combination of things:

• I have grown up a lot since having children and what I find attractive now is not the same as it was 16years ago.

• Now, all of a sudden I look back at some of his behaviour over the years and think 'what did I see in him?'.

• I have met someone else. We have steered clear of each other because we both know how we feel, but we stay in touch and I think I love him.

However, there is just no way we could afford a divorce. We have 3 children, a mortgage, and I only work part time. There's no way he could afford another property AND pay me maintenance. Similarly, there is no way I could afford any property with 3 children in, even with the maintenance.

Life at home is crap, but not unbearable. We have no 'relationship' together to speak of so I am very lonely, but we can muddle along okay without arguing.

Has anybody else been through similar? Do I work towards getting my career back and trying to earn more money so that we can eventually separate? Do I put my life and soul into trying to love him again? I am lost .

How are you so certain that you cannot afford a divorce?. Have you actually sought legal advice on separation?.

If the love has indeed gone it is very hard to get it back. Both parties have to work equally and if he is not interested well you cannot save this on your own.

Potential other man is a red herring; he needs to be completely out of the picture as of now. He is but a distraction to the main problems in your marriage, he is a way out but a bad way out and one that could cause you even more pain. Does this person for instance have a family of his own?.

Does your H know about your feelings for this person, what do you think he and by turn your children would think of you if they knew you had feelings for someone else?.

What do the two of you want to teach your children about relationships, muddling along like this is not doing either you or your H any favours is it let alone your children. Is this really what you want to teach them?. Also they likely pick up on all the unspoken tensions at home too between you and your H and not say anything to you for fear of upsetting you.

Your children won't thank you for staying within a dying marriage and if you were to say well I did it for you, they will call you daft and also perhaps wonder why you put him before them too.

• I have met someone else. We have steered clear of each other because we both know how we feel, but we stay in touch and I think I love him.

sorry to tell you this, you probably already know this anyway, but this is (more than likely) the one and only reason that you're re-evaluating everything. good idea on stopping one relationship before jumping into the next.

Not saying this is a 100% bad thing though, because obviously; if you've been blinded by love or something to everything he's done for so long, or just accepted it you know, it's a good thing that you've finally come to your senses.

In answer to your question/plea:
Divorces don't have to cost very much at all unless they're contested. i.e. is he likely to kick up a fuss and not agree to it (or anything)? Go to the Citizens Advice Bureau, and most importantly, tell your husband how you're feeling. Maybe some of these things can be fixed, maybe he's feeling the same way - either way he deserves to know you're thinking about checking out of this relationship (though it sounds like mentally you're already there?)

Good luck

If you don't like the man any more and you're just going through the motions it really doesn't matter whether Brad Pitt is in the wings or you fancy a life with the Carmelites.... put yourselves out of your collective misery. Once you go down the path of 'trying to love' someone I think you're sunk. Love can't be forced and it can't be one-sided. If you can keep it amicable and not argue too much about division of assets and child-care etc then a divorce doesn't cost very much at all.

If there is someone else- and at the very least you are having an emotional affair- then I dont think you have any right to keep this from your husband, and then you can both decide.

Also it may be the fact that there is an OM in the background has influenced your view?

15 years ago i was in a very similar position albeit from the male side. We did divorce and it cost me zilch and it only cost ex dw a very small amount. She decided that she no longer wanted to try to make the marriage work and so we would be better off going our separate ways for the sake of the kids future sanity....... that and she was shagging my bast friend.

Although at the time living in a bedsit for a few months and in a rented studio apartment and a half derelict cottage I made it through to the other side as did exdw. I did really regret it for a while and was convinced that I would never find anyone else and that I was not worthy of being loved.... I most certainly did find my perfect partner. My exdw however was cheated on by mr Perfect and left homeless and on the verge of bankruptcy so the other man that you 'love' may not be the solution as you have no idea of a relationship with him in 'real life'.

Divorce, certainly but only when the OM is out of the way and you can concentrate on the really important things..... your DC and yourself esteem.

You just need to tell your DH how you feel and take that first step... tis the hardest one to take but biy does it feel good when you take it without looking back.

Good luck, Stay strong.

I received legal aid for my divorce, but this ends in April. It cost me £340 for the fee to file the divorce petition. I asked ex to pay half of this as it was his decision to end the marriage, because he no longer loved me, because he no longer liked the person I was , oh yeah, and because he was texting his best mates wife over 100 times a day.......

It cost £45 for the decree absolute. So it will actually cost me £385 to get divorced as we did not go to court.

If you separate and only work part time, on your own with 3 kids you would probably do quite well with tax credits and if you rented somewhere you may get help with rent and council tax etc.

If you really want to leave your husband then leave him. it is not fair to stay with him if you no longer love him.

My ex claims that he stopped loving me over a period of time, starting some time last year. i just feel used that he stayed with me but didnt love me.

Do the decent thing and decide what you really want

You say 'over the past 6 months' you've fallen out of love with your partner of 16 years.

It'd be interesting to know whether you met the other man around this time or just before it.

I'm suspicious that you want an affair and are doing that rewriting of history thing, telling yourself that your husband's faults are insurmountable and that you've simply outgrown him.

You're probably convincing yourself that all this pre-dated the other man and that if things had been good with your husband, you'd never have felt this way about another man.

Which is probably rubbish, of course.

If you haven't sat down with your husband and been honest with him about either your grievances or your crush on the other man (love? get over yourself! then you're just not playing fair.

If you're really as miserable as you think and it's not just you sabotaging the relationship to MAKE it more miserable so that you can justify this 'love' for another bloke, then of course you can afford to divorce.

Neither of you have to own properties - you can rent for a while if you've got some house equity and then build up your hours till you're able to buy again, if that's what you want to do. Once single again, it will be up to your husband what he does with his equity. He might also ask to have the children to live with him for half of the week.

The vast majority of people who insist that longterm heteromonogamy is normal and natural and the 'only way' tend to mean 'this time around/the last couple of marriages were just infatuation/this one is The Real Thing'. It's a lot more natural to get bored with one sexual partner after a few years and want a new one. Up to you, OP. You shouldn't have to live your life as the exclusive partner of someone you don't feel romantic/.sexual love for, but nor will any other man necessarily fulfill all your romantic/sexual needs till the day you die.