After your DH has an affair or similar - I need to know please...

[BeckyBendyLegs]

If your DH is remorseful and utterly confused as to why he did it, promised never to do such a heinous thing again, desperate to keep you and change many things about the way things were: have you forgiven and stayed with your partner, and if so, how long did it take to get over and move on? Did you carry on living together and working on rebuilding the relationship while living together? I'm on Day Six and I'm getting a bit fed up of the constant misery now. DH stayed away until yesterday, he's back now. It switches between hell (talking about 'it') and ok (when he's talking about the future and how things will change).

6 days is nothing. You are grieving for the loss of your marriage as you knew it. You may be able to move on and get past this - lots do - but it will take many, many months. I forgave my DH but he didn't forgive himself and it was the undoing of us in the end - many years later. You both may benefit from some counselling.

Thanks glasscompletelybroken. DH isn't putting pressure on my to 'get over it' but I feel the pressure nonetheless, esp as we have 3 children. We are very different people and react in different ways to crisis. He's being all positive and proactive as well as remorseful whereas I'm just crying all the time at the moment. It really does feel like grieving.

Took me about three weeks of the 'it meant nothing' performance before I got fed up with the whole thing. The only person putting on any pressure was myself, mortified about the idea of being in a failed marriage, frightened of life as a singleton and lots of other bizarre ideas about marriage being for life, needing to be worked at, taking the rough with the smooth and other misogynistic bollocks. We went on a holiday to try to talk it over, rebuild, make a fresh start, blah blah, blah and, about half way through, I remember looking at him and thinking.... 'tosser'. He left for good shortly afterwards. Still hurt like hell but at least I had the satisfaction of knowing I didn't grovel just to stay married.

It will take around 2-3 years and that is with a lot of hard work from your H.

I would suggest you read Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends and get Linda MacDonald's How to Help your Spouse Heal for your H to read. These books will give you an idea on how to go about repairing the damage and destruction your H has caused.

Its not an easy road - be warned that it is a real rollarcoaster ride

I would strongly recommend that your H stays away to give you space and time to process your thoughts and feelings and this distance will ensure that reality has a chance of hitting him as hard as possible.

It is different for everyone. I'm just over 2 months on from him giving up the OW (and he kept up the 'romance' for 6 weeks after he told me about it.... which hurt beyond anything I could imagine).

I was never angry with him, or her, just sad, so have no anger to let go off. As for forgiveness, I don't feel the need to forgive or not forgive iyswim. I never stopped loving him, but my eyes were opened to his faults, and I lost my desperation to 'keep' him. He came back because he wanted to, not because I begged him, which puts us in a fairly neutral place. No rules, no ties, either of us could walk at any minute, and the fact that we haven't says a lot.

We half live together - I am in the house, he is in a flat, but he is effectively with me most of the time. He cooks for himself, washes his own clothes, and does his own cleaning. One of the problems in our marriage was he treated the house like a doss house with magic pixies on hand to clean up after him. I cannot live in filth, so I admit I did do everything. I will never do that again.

Our relationship is very different now, more equal. I still couldn't tell you whether we will stay the distance, BUT we will always be good friends and very close. There is no blame or hate on either side, and I am bizarrely much happier than I have been in years. I feel like I can't lose. Either our marriage will work, or I will walk away confident and independent, with a positive outlook on life.

His affair scarred our marriage, but I would not go back in time and change what happened. I am sorry the OW got hurt, as he promised her the earth and delivered nothing. She was 11 years younger, and a bit in thrall to him. It wasn't fair to do that. I hope she has learnt a lesson in life though. His affair meant I found 'me' again. So many women feel they lose who they are after they get married and take on the role of wife, housekeeper, mother etc. I am who I was before I got married again, and I liked that person better than the one I turned into. I'd hazard a guess my DH likes that person better too.

Good luck. You will get through the misery. 6 days in I was destroyed, utterly bereft. I had good friends though, who held my hand through it and helped so much. Don't fee you have to keep everything to yourself, talk to your friends. It does help.

Thanks so much for sharing your stories with me and for your kind words. It means a lot. I will look into those two books. And it is good to be reminded that 6 days is nothing because I feel so bad for still crying all the time. I need to give myself a break I think. I have only been able to tell one friend. I haven't told my mum or any other friends. I feel as if I can't for DH's sake. I don't know if that is the right thing to do or not. We're off for a weekend away without the DSs (had already been booked and paid for before I found out, for our wedding anniversary) to 'talk'. Ho hum.

"I haven't told my mum or any other friends. I feel as if I can't for DH's sake"

You're protecting him for reasons best known to yourself. I recognise the sentiment, however, and I think it's best summed up as 'deer in the headlights'. In shock & don't know which way to jump. Once you tell others & the cat is out of the bag, you know you'll come under pressure to kick him out, whereas at the moment you can still pretend that it's a private matter that can be quietly fixed as you desperately cling to the life you thought you had.

Even after mine packed his bags, I had nightmares for 2 years. If I'd kept the pathetic git around, I think I'd hate myself by now.

It is very very early days. I'm just over 2 months down the line and still struggling. I have good days but then have days when I feel I can't even look at him and will never trust him again.

Sadly, I am now of the view that I won't ever trust him again. I will not allow myself to be the wife that has to check his phone/emails etc and I think within the next few months I will be issuing divorce proceedings. He is not the same man I married, that man has gone and will never come back.

Of course everyone is different. I've had such a lot of support and good advice on here from lovely ladies who have been through the same. Some have walked away, some have managed to make it work. I think the key thing for a lot is how their DH behaves and deals with what they've done. Mine showed no remorse at all initially and actually came across as if he hated me, no begging for forgiveness etc. I think that is one of the reasons I'm on the verge of divorce. I simply don't believe him and don't see how two months ago he said he didn't love me and was indifferent and had no emotions whatsoever when I was sobbing my heart out over what he'd done and yet now he claims to love me and want to spend the rest of his life with me.

Have you thought about counselling OP?

I have thought about it MOSagain but I think I need to get through this horrid shock phase first. DH has bought that book recommended above already on amazon. He does seem very serious about us being together. He's just moving too fast for me.

You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. Take your time, consider your options and don't let yourself be steamrollered into anything you're not comfortable with. If you find it insulting and insensitive (and I would) that you're still reeling from the shock and he's already buying books and rushing you into some hasty 'fix' then stand up for yourself and tell him you'll be deciding his fate in your own good time.

Just take your time and concentrate on your husband's actions, not his words.

Lots of couples do get past this, but they shouldn't put any pressures on themselves straight away either to do so, or to give up. Once you're through the shock and denial phase, you might find it helpful to ask yourself whether you would even entertain forgiveness if there were no children, no houses and no fears about the reactions of others. Likewise, he needs to ask himself if he wants to stay with you because of you and not those other ties.

I think it's a positive thing that he's buying a book and intends to read it. You said he's not rushing your forgiveness and that for you, it's a self-induced pressure.

It's not always a good thing to focus on the future until you've dealt with the past and why it happened. Until he does that and finds out for himself and shares it with you, he won't be able to devise strategies for his future behaviour in the marriage. In his own shock though, he's probably moving things on too fast and trying to think positively about the future, but you're not ready for that and he needs to understand the nature of grief, bereavement and loss.

"In his own shock though, he's probably moving things on too fast "

For 'in his own shock' read 'backed into a corner watching chickens coming home to roost'!!! Why it happened - he fancied a shag. 'Utterly confused why he did it' my arse.

you might find it helpful to ask yourself whether you would even entertain forgiveness if there were no children, no houses and no fears about the reactions of others. Likewise, he needs to ask himself if he wants to stay with you because of you and not those other ties. sadly, I'm 99% certain that if DH and I didn't have two young children and a nice house I'd have issued divorce proceedings 2 months ago Don't get me wrong, I'm not deciding to tolerate it due to the DC/finances but I have to consider other people than just me.

Agree your husband probably isn't confused at all about why he did it Becky - and it would take courage and honesty for him to admit that it was because he could, he wanted to and he thought he would never get caught, but it's better to know that now, rather than thinking there were other more understandable (but false) reasons for his affair.

And yes, the shock involved in getting caught is often about the consequences for the person who's been unfaithful, but it doesn't take away from the fact that there is shock nevertheless.

Bear in mind that other people's experiences might be different to yours Becky, with men or women who had a very different response to discovery than your husband has taken, something that MOS has so eloquently (and generously) explained. It's easy to say 'get rid' if a) you've never been through this yourself or b) if you have, but your partner wasn't prepared to put in the work rebuilding shattered trust.

Take your time, focus on what you want and need going forward and try to see that there is a bigger picture here. Whether you stay in your relationship or leave it, there will always be a legacy. For some who stay, they never recover their self-esteem or trust in a partner and the bitterness about that ruins what's left of their lives.

But that also happens to some who leave, or who are left - and they remain angry with the world and punitive to those in it.

Try to make your legacy more positive than that.

If you decide to stay and try to forgive, try to make this experience count for something; a stronger more realistic relationship; a stronger self-identity where your own life needs and aspirations are met, completely separate to your relationship. If you decide to leave, try not to let this awful experience taint your view of the world and the people in it. Recognise that not every relationship will be the same and that not everyone will behave like your husband did.

Only you can decide based on your husband's past behaviour and your knowledge of his character and personality, together with his actions from this point forward whether you can ever regain trust in him. You also need to factor in your knowledge about yourself and your own capacity either to move on apart from him, or to attempt forgiveness.

Charnon thank you so much for your very wise words. I will take it on board. DH started reading that book recommended for him yesterday while we were at the airport and he cried. I've only ever seen him cry once before in 15 years (when I had a miscarriage). Just before that though I had nearly had a panic attack standing in Boots in the airport...by the bloody condoms. But we're stuck together now in this hotel in Berlin for two days. Then what? I don't know.

MOS I've told him that if it wasn't for our three DSs it would have been over when I found out. I came from a broken home. It was hell for a long time. Different circumstances but I don't want to put my children through that if I can help it.

bendy that is so true but you must not stay just for the kids. Before I gave up my career for fuckwit I was a family lawyer and it made me so sad when clients would come in that were in their late 40's/early 50's who had lived in unhappy marriages soley for the children and had waited until the DC had left home before taking the step to get on with divorce proceedings and moving on with their lives. Many admitted that they should have done it years before and should not have stayed just for the children.

I really thought I could work it out with DH but I don't think I can. My first H committed adultery and I divorced him immediately. I'm not sure why I've not done the same with DH2. Maybe I just don't want to admit that I'm a failire

I am moving on and doing positive things for ME having pretty much sacrificed the last 6 years of my live (gave up my career to move abroad where he was working) I've signed up for some adult education courses, am doing a course in a different area of law with the view to returning to practice soon and I think when I'm stronger, and more independant I will then be better placed to make my decision.

MOS sounds like you are doing all the right things; taking positive steps from something negative.

christ, I also appear to have lost the ability to spell!

Try and let the emotions out - there is no way you can be over the shock in 6 days. It does help if your H is capable of telling the whole truth. The worst is finding things out that they are too gutless to say in case they make you angry and jeopardise their chances of staying.

I too am starting doing things for me - diddums claims he can't talk about what he did because it gives him a headache. I can't control what he did / does - but I can control how I react to it and what I do for me. I am of the opinion that DD is better off with a single parent than a sorry excuse for a father and it is up to him to shape up. I feel sorry for him - but I now feel more detached, and able to think about it calmly. If he can't / won't put the effort in - then its not my problem.

If he tries to blackmail you into committing to moving forward - then be true to yourself - my H blamed me for keeping in contact with OW because I wouldn't guarantee I would keep him and he needed a friend. They set up a mutual support group of - well we didn't do anything really, and we'd still be fine to have cups of tea together alone and I'd be unreasonable if I didn't encourage that - WTF!!!

My point is we all have individual sets of circumstances - information about the affair will come out in one go or in dribs and drabs - so don't go comparing yourself, or letting your H put pressure on you. Our Hs will all sell us a different set of reasons depending on what they think we will accept - so try and follow your own gut instincts, as they will probably be right! (Mine were right when I thought he had stayed in touch with her - and the sneaky bugger just systematically deleted call logs etc - I caught him out the first time on text messages which had been deleted but he hadn't deleted the call logs - then he slipped up and left facebook open on his phone.)

He's been caught cheating....
He nearly lost his gf and kids / house (if applicable.)
And you expect him to read some dippy new age relationshipy book about healing.
:)
And you think this will change him?
Men and Women are so, so different.

What a really stupid, man-hating post.

Men and Women are so, so different.

Yeah? Tell that to the ex-gf who tried to shag with my best friend and then had a fling with a married man after I forgave her.

So, so DIFFERENT, yes.

Off you pop now.