to feel ashamed and disgusted? Should I be showing compassion?(Long - sorry)

[BabylonPI]

OK,

my DSis and I haven't seen eye to eye for quite some time - the last time I visited her house was in September 2009 when dd2 was a month old. Since then, I've given birth to DS1 - she didn't know I was pregnant with him as I asked people not to tell her. I didn't want her to know. The last time I had any contact with her was in August 2011 when she ruined my DD2s birthday party by starting a massive row with my inlaws

DSis has 4 DCs, and I love them dearly. I have maintained contact with them even though I haven't had any contact with her.

At the beginning of the summer hols, DSis was admitted to hospital with some unknown illness. My parents begged me to make contact with her, and I did - for them, not for me or for her, but for my parents.

She was discharged from hospital (without a diagnosis) and we met for the first time in 12 months at my parents house. She met my DS for the first time and it was fine.

On Monday this week I took a trip up to her house as it was her DC3s birthday on Tuesday and I wanted to make sure the card and gift was on time. DSis was not expecting me and immediately upon entering her home I felt very uncomfortable - nothing I could put my finger on but very uncomfy.

Her DCs 3&4 told me upon my arrival that I shouldn't use the downstairs loo as mummy has been sick in there and it smells. DC4 also said that Daddy was still at work and he wasn't coming back.

Alarm bells started to ring, and I just felt that she wasn't herself. I thought she had been drinking, but talked myself out of that as I know how ill she has been. DCs asked if me and my DCs could stay for tea - DSis said we must and she would go and fetch takeaway. At this, I said we simply couldn't and had to get home.

I left after approx 45 mins.

On the way home, I called my parents and started off a whole chain of events which I'm devastated by.

I told parents that if I didn't know better I would say she was drunk - parents didn't believe me, so took a trip up to her house unannounced. The shit really hit the fan.
DSis denied drinking, but her whole attitude and demeanour gave her away. She attacked her DH, our parents and all in front of her 4 DCS who were screaming at their GPs to leave as they were making everything worse

It gets worse.

On wednesday, I got a call from DM to say I needed to pick her up ASAP and get to DSis' house.
On arriving there, we find, DSis sat in a heap on the floor covered in her own vomit. The living room floor covered in vomit with the youngest DCs playing in it and the family dog eating it

She was so out of it - sat there in just a bra, completely oblivious to her surroundings. This was at 5pm.
She had collected her children from school in the car in this state (but dressed) just over an hour before. Eldest DC had called her Dad to say they desperately so needed help as mummy was so ill. Daddy called GP and so on and so forth....

Dsis is fighting drunk. DCs are witnessing everything (and it was obvious by their reactions that they've witnessed it before).

Because of her recent stay in hospital, her DH and my DM thought it best to take her back to hospital - she is denying all the time that she has had a drink.

At 10pm last night, she was still twice over the legal drink drive limit - she wasn't fit to be seen by the MH crisis scene until after 2am.

She was vile to the hospital staff, DH, DM - everyone really.

It then all came out. She has been drinking in secret for YEARS. She has conditioned her DCs to say NOTHING by thereatening them with Social Services and telling them they would be taken away.
She has had numerous bumps in her car, and has been breathalysed on one occassion that we are aware of (obviously clear on this occasion). Her DCs finally admitted that mummy often mounts the kerb when driving and they have been covering up for her.

She also has major issues with dependency on painkillers. Again, she has denied this vehemently.

She was sent home from hospital soon after 5am today. She has a crisis team in place who will visit her daily at home. She is on a detox as she is severely alcohol dependent.

She missed her DC4s first day at school and her DC1s first day at Secondary school due to her drinking.

When she arrived home, her first concern was that she didn't want to see her MIL, and after that I received a call to ask if I had seen her iPad as she couldn't remember what she had done with it.

I dropped EVRYTHING last night to go to her and her DCs, and her major concern is updating her facebook status :(

I am disgusted, angry and ashamed of her. Right now I don't want to know her. I am livid that she has risked her children's lives and the lives of others by driving drunk on a daily basis for god knows how long.

I will do anything to make sure the DCs are safe, but I'm not sure I can see her without without giving her a good hard slap

Is this wrong? Should I be supporting her unconditionally?
AIBU for being this disgusted with her?
Where do I go from here?

She has some deep rooted issues which she had told everyone she was addressing and was getting counselling for - this was also a lie.

I'm gutted

Sorry, I did say it was long.

[figwit]

catwoo I don't think the children's dad has been very protective of them so far. It sounds to me as if he has colluded in the emotional abuse of his children by ignoring his wife's obvious alcoholism.

[skyebluesapphire]

It's a very sad situation all round. I feel sorry for the sister as she needs help, but other people cannot achieve this for her, she has to want the help and to seek it for herself and alcoholics will NOT face up to the fact that they have a problem.

She could turn her life around.

Babylon - maybe its clearer in your head now - that it was the drink that caused her to do and say things. Not excusing the behaviour, but there is a reason for it rather than her just being unpleasant....

If you can get her through this, you can rebuild your relationship if you both want to

[mathanxiety]

Babylon, you are a really, really good sister.
When someone is in the grip of alcoholism, alienation of those nearest and dearest is common. They fear the 'outside' world getting an inkling of what is going on and fear that if anyone knew what was going on they would have to stop. They defend their addiction no matter what the cost. Your sister was willing to throw her own children under the bus and ruin their childhood in order to keep on drinking, and I am sure she was happy to have you out of her hair too. In a way, your reaction to what you suspected proved her right you put a stop to it (at least you hope you have it will be a long, hard struggle for her and for you and everyone else too).

Don't beat yourself up with the what ifs and opportunities missed in the past. Unless she was detoxed you would have been talking to the drink, not your sister.

You are a really, really good aunt and daughter and I hope your parents are proud of you for intervening. I hope you are all able to support each other through the shock and the turmoil.

Take the advice of ALANon, and do as much as you can do to support the children and your brother in law.

The children are going to need a huge amount of help/therapy as they have been royally screwed up by their mother. Is this in place for them?

[ImagineJL]

I went through a similar thing with my step sister. She's been sober for 4 months now, and has her daughter back with her. I tried to be supportive, but soon realised that the problem was far bigger than me, and all I could really do was look out for her DD. We are still on friendly terms, but I will never see her the same way again. She isn't the person I thought she was.

I was wondering - how long was she in hospital for? Because if it was more than a day or two she would have gone into alcohol withdrawal. If that had happened the medical staff would have known, and she would have been detoxed while she was there. This is significant because it's clear that she started drinking again straight away, so being detoxed did absolutely nothing to make her acknowledge she had a problem.

Nothing you've said makes me think she has any intention of trying to remain abstinent, so this problem is not going to go away, and you need to give serious thought to what your role may be with regard to her children. Social Services will want to use family help as much as possible beause it's free.

I really feel for you. It is an absolute nightmare. And I'm afraid I lost compassion for my step sister early on, after hearing some of the horrific things she did to her daughter.

[Homebird8]

Babylon, I've been reading and thinking. I know that I have nothing to add on the subject of alcoholism and can only feel for you in the emotions you are so eloquently expressing. I can support you in your plan to put your DNs' needs first though and I'm glad that you have some CP experience which may help you and the wider family to come up with a plan and to work with SS as necessary.

One thing I don't think I've seen anyone say and forgive me if you have is that to maintain the children's in their own home, without the presence of their mother, may help them to feel that there is some semblance of consistency about their very disrupted lives at the moment. The 11 year old will have been shouldering a lot of unreasonable responsibility for the home and for the DSibs over their whole life (if it started in 2003) and may find that they don't want to relinquish all of that independence immediately (although grownups may feel they want to relieve them of it). If your DS's DH had been widowed he would make arrangements to work and to keep his DCs using child carers of various natures. He needs to keep his job, but perhaps they can be a bit flexible for a few weeks if he is a partner, but he also needs to step up adjust to the new circumstances, insist his wife stays somewhere else and plan for the stability of his DCs.

Babylon, if you can help him, as the children's aunty, then with the warmth of your heart I'm sure you will. Maybe a regular one or two nights after school or a Friday sleepover?

[SomersetONeil]

I'm so sorry for what you and your family are going through Babylon, and of course YANBU.

I wonder what has prompted the 'truly awful' things, including wishing him dead, being said aout your alcoholic uncle.

And the issues that she clearly needs counselling over, that she's lied aout and hasn't had.

I'm not asking you to tell us about these things - it's none of our business. But is there something/s that have happened that have precipitated this fall onto the abyss for her?

Her children are very lucky to have you all.

[AdoraBell]

OP

I haven't read the whole thread, just want to say please don't beat yourself up for refusing to talk back in April. At that time you were not aware of the real scale of the problem. Plus, you feel what you feel and you are still trying to help as much as is possible.

Regarding your reaction to wine, it's your subconscious telling you "don't put me into the same situation as DSS" You are not going to do that, that's why you didn't drink the wine. I also like to relax with a glass of wine, but at times of stress I cannot face even a sip of alcohol, the mere smell makes me nauseas. So, for now find something else to help unwind. Maybe a bubble bath before bed, a walk if that's do-able, reading, relaxing music. I would also suggest you start to keep a diary. That is something that helps me, and my DDs, to off load. You don't need to be eloquent, you can write ffs, why has she done/didn't I do/ do they expect me to/I wish I had/he had whatever you're feeling at that particular time.

Do the DCs talk openly now that the secret is out? Something I did for my DD when she was raging with anger was a tantrum box. A shoe box or similar with a slit cut in the top. She writes her tantrum, in whatever language she wishes to use at the time -as in she's allowed to swear on paper- and puts in the box.

Try to look after yourself in the midst of all this, it's a huge thing for all involved in different ways.

[saffronwblue]

Babylon I have been thinking about you. I agree with many posters that your priority must be your DNs. You can't fix or change your sister. Taking that call in April would not have made a difference.
You can show your DNs that they can be children again and can be safe in the company of adults. Your DNs have been abused and put at risk over years - you are doing the right thing by focusing on them rather than your sister's illness and the choices she has made.
I hope you are getting a bit of time out for yourself. This is going to be a long haul and you need to pace yourself.

[Thumbwitch]

Babylon, have just read the whole thread through and feel so so sad for you all.

I think that you probably do have some level of compassion for your sister but just at the moment it is completely overlaid by the disgust and loathing you have for her condition and what it has done to her children. I am sure that you still care about the sister you once had, and you want her back - she may never come back completely as you knew her, because even assuming she does get to the point of recovery, she will be (one would hope and expect) suffering from guilt over her own treatment of her DC as well, which is likely to affect her personality/behaviour.

I'm glad you've had some help from AlAnon, and I hope you continue to get help from that quarter.

Re. the children I think it's fantastic that you are looking to take them into your home, but apropos of what another poster has said about limiting disruption to their lives, have they been asked what they would prefer? I know that they've been conditioned for years to keep their mum's secret and look after her, but at the very least they should be asked, IMO. And if they choose to stay in their family home, then your sister should either be removed, or have another person with her full time. Preferably removed, for the shock value.

I also agree that, while it's admirable that you are trying to take on so much for your DNs, you have to be careful not to do too much - it's a fine line to tread, taking care to keep your DNs from harm but allowing your sister to still make her own mistakes. Which is another reason why I think having her removed from the family home might be the best thing to do - take her out of her comfort zone, help her realise what she is throwing away, she may continue to drink and take the painkillers to start with but it may also wake her up to herself. She would, of course, be better in some kind of rehab unit or somewhere that she couldn't then OD because she was so miserable.

I hope the meeting you all have is productive - and yes, it would be better if your sister weren't there because she may use whatever is said at the meeting to abuse you all later - but OTOH, if she hears how horrific her behaviour has been, it might be another step to the wake-up she so desperately needs.

Finally - as far as you feeling guilty for not noticing before/not talking to her in April/not realising she was ill - STOP IT. You are not psychic, you're not trained in spotting alcohol abuse, her DC never said anything, her own DH who lives in the same house as her was relatively unaware of the situation - you have done all you could under the given circumstances, and now that you are aware, you are again doing all that you can to help the people who most need it - your DNs.

[MrDobalina]

taking that phone call would not have saved your sister. People turn themselves inside-out trying to support their alcoholics in a way which will save them/mean they wont need to/want to drink. it is a very very powerful addiction. your sister drove her own children whilst drunk. all of them, the people who she loves most in the world, the people who depend on her. she put their lives at very high risk.

alcoholics are master manipulators and liars. Guilt is a hugely useful tool for them; it is always someone elses fault, then they never have to take responsibility for what they are doing. They will even create situations so that they have an 'excuse' to get drunk

[OliviaLMumsnet]

Alrighty,
Just to be clear, further to a request from babylon we have now moved this into our relationships topic but regardless of whether it was still in AIBU, it's worth bearing in mind that if there's one thing we could all do with, it's some moral support

[caramelsmadfuzzytail]

Hiya Babylon

How are you this morning? Which ever way you look at it, it's a horrible situation for everyone.

[skyebluesapphire]

Hi Babylon. I'm glad this has been moved and hope you get some good support here.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Alcoholism is truly a family disease.

The 3cs re alcoholism:-

You did not cause it
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it

Alcoholism as well thrives on secrecy; everyone in her house was covering up your sister's alcoholism through coercion, codependency issues (on her H's part) and utter fear. Am not totally surprised this blew up in the way it did.

Their children are and must remain the main priority here; their wishes are paramount. Has the eldest been pointed in the direction of Al-ateen?.

Would suggest you keep speaking to Al-anon and read their literature.

I am glad this has been moved to relationships, this was never a thread for AIBU.

[Jux]

Hope you're OK today, Babylon.

[BabylonPI]

Now moved to relationships!

[skyebluesapphire]

They deleted the post that I reported and I asked for my reply to that post to be removed. Although the poster did apologise to you.

I hope you are having a better day today and that you can get all of the necessary help for your sister that she needs and also the support for the children.

[BabylonPI]

Missed that Skyblue ?!

Tomorrow I have arranged that we are taking all 4 DCs out for a day of fun. Just to give them a break really.

Will come back and read later x

[Bossybritches22]

Lovely Babylon- a day of fun being just kids is what they need, they have had to be too grown up & worried recently.

How is your BIL coping?

Have a fun day in the sun tomorrow! x

[JuliaScurr]

I wish my mother's sisters had been like you when we were going through this.
www.nacoa.org.uk/
hope they can help

[BabylonPI]

Thank you, I'm afraid I can't sleep

There's so much going round my head, like how she managed to hide it for 9 years

It also sounds like she's still very much in denial too

[BabylonPI]

I'm sorry, i posted in the wrong place too - I just felt like I really didn't understand my emotions

[Homebird8]

You don't have to be sorry Babylon. Some things can be sorted out by MNHQ and then it's all over. Other things the rest of us are here to support you over.

Your mind sounds to be in a real spin, and the wee small hours don't help. It's not actually the last nine years that matter so much now, as the present.

Have you had your meeting yet? Why would the crisis team suggest you put it off if your DSis isn't going to be centre stage. Maybe you making some decisions as a family now, perhaps led by your BIL, might be better than waiting. No expert, just a thought.

Anyway, this isn't helping you sleep. Have a warm drink and try some big breaths out. I always find that relaxing and may just help.