Don't even know where to go with this.

[NineCrimes]

Posted before under an nc about some of this, am a long term poster.

My head is utterly wrecked. I don't know what to do about any of this.

Background: abused at the age of 7 by my cousin who was 11. A big 11 year old. Went on for three years over summer holidays when he came to visit, until I eventually told my dad and step mum who initially didn't believe me, still don't think they really do and it was all brushed under the carpet. Fast forward and I am now 27. I am currently undergoing counselling to help me deal with what happened back then and the damage that was done emotionally.

Presently: everything seems to have happened at once. Two weeks ago I discovered my best friend and SIL, my brother and kids are going on holiday with the cousin and wife. I was horrified as they are both aware and felt that it just brings him back into my life, emotionally. Into my inner circle if that makes sense. I ended up texting SIL saying I has to distance myself because I can't handle the thought of them all laughing and joking together, when I am so close to her and he did what he did. We have sort of worked through it but the holiday remains.

Then my father joins fb. I discover he has said cousin as a friend. I just can't even begin to comprehend that. My father fb friends with my abuser.

I have always had abusers sister on my fb but very limited contact. They live very far away. Now I have just had a message saying she wants to come and visit me.

I feel totally overwhelmed with it all. I don't know how to handle my horror at my father, the holiday and now his sister. I have gone between just wanting to cut off father and SIL out of sheer hurt to thinking am I even justified? Am I overreacting? Do I just accept that things are going to be the way they are?

His sister didn't do anything wrong, his wife hasn't done anything wrong, but it's the connection to him. I can't explain it.

I know this probably doesn't even make any sense, I just don't know what to do. Just swallow the fact my immediate family and best friend want contact with him and reaffirm to me that what he did was 'okay'?

Don't have experience of childhood abuse like yours, but didn't want to read and run.

I perfectly understand your horror at FIL and SIL's choices re: holiday and FB. It is not just the connection to him. IMO it is, as you say, the fact that their pally behaviour with him is enabling; it is a way of affirming that what he did was ok.

Sadly, all too often people just don't want to know or to "take sides". When there is a abuse, that attitude = enabling and condoning the abuse.

I don't think you are over-reacting.

It's not my FIL, it's my dad. Only three weeks ago I phoned him to ask if he had kept the letter I wrote (how I told them when I was ten) as my counsellor suggested it might help to read it. And jut over a week later he has him on his fb.

I feel like I am just meant to be okay with everything. I have struggled for so long with the fact my family basically didn't give a damn about what he did, it's just reinforcing it all again. I don't know how to move on and not let my immediate family having dealings with him upset me.

I can't imagine what you must be going through and I'm sorry but I don't know what I would do in the same situation. I'm sure I wouldn't join in/ go into denial/ ignore the choices your brother/ father etc.. have made but I don't know how I would handle their choices, given how close I am to my own family members/ how much I rely on their support/ advice etc.. (Are you generally very close with them?)

Is there any close friend you could get advice from/ reassurance that it's not all your nearest and dearest making contact with this person? On the reason why some of your family might seem fine to be in contact with him, all I've heard is that some abusers make efforts to cultivate a certain charm, possibly to hide their abuse/ crimes/ make it difficult for others to believe the victims. (That doesn't excuse your family at all - but just thought I would mention it.)

I do know that in response to your comment : 'I can't explain it.' - I would say you really don't have to explain. Any objective reader would understand why you wouldn't want to have anything at all to do with him - even people that are close to him.

I hope you get some good support and advice in real life and from this thread.

best wishes, 100x

No I don't think you're over-reacting and I think your father - in particular - is beyond the pale.

Have you spoken to your father about this recently? I can't begin to comprehend the circumstances under which i would choose to 'friend' my daughter's abuser on FB, and I think you're father's decision is appalling.

sorry, your father's decision to do so is appalling

That's the hardest thing, I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that my dad loves me. He does. I just can't make any sense of it at all. I have my own children and think if that was one of them that had happen what I did, I wouldn't behave like he is.

I am a bit calmer now. It's just such a difficult situation. I feel almost childlike in wanting them to show they are 'on my side' as such. That's what makes me wonder if I am over reacting, being precious. I am a lone parent to 4dc and a full time student, I don't need anyone to support me, but just once I would like to feel my family care.

I don't want all this to keep dragging on, I want to just move on and be happy, but it seems he always resurfaces in one way or another. That is where my real problem lies I suppose. Thanks all.

I think it may because he loves you that he wants to sweep this under the carpet but sometimes love hurts people and you have to take steps to extricate yourself from people who love you in a hurtful way whether they mean to or not.

I think what is going on is that you feel out of control. It tied into the abuse memories because the really damaging part is the power and control element. Taking back some control will help you feel better but I can understand why you would feel uncomfortable about that.

I remember your other threads in relationships. I think you need to think hard about whether the love your family members can provide is the kind that helps and supports you or the kind that hurts and drags you down. Family members or not, love or not, you don't have to continue allowing people into your life. You don't have to "be reasonable" or "be logical" or have concrete reasons. If they don't respect your boundaries and they do things to hurt you you are justified in cutting them out for your own sanity.

Thanks offred, i appreciate your replies. I think you are right, there is a feeling of being out of control as to whether he is in or out of my life because of those around me. I have thought many times about cutting my losses but then I think of my nieces and nephews, my children's cousins and I just can't quite do it. I love them to pieces and they love me.

I need to find some way past all this. I just don't know what way that is.

At some point you may have to prioritise yourself. Perhaps getting more psychological and emotional distance is the way forward. You sound, IMHO, far too close to your dad and tied up in him than his treatment of you really warrants.