Sick of my life

[HairyToothbrush]

Im from down south and DP is from a tiny little village up north. I moved up north to be with him when DD(12m) was born, as we couldn't afford to live down south and it also meant he could keep his job.
Obviously I have no friends or family up here.

I've been up here over a year now and I dont know how much longer I can stay here. I literally do not have a life. Everyone from around here has known everyone else all their lives and I have struggled to make friends with anyone. And I really have tried. Because this place is so small, there are only two baby and toddler groups on a week. I go to both but it's the same problem, everyone already knows each other and I feel like the outsider. Apart from those two groups, I dont go out. Well apart from tescos once a week. That's what I look forward to every week. I don't drive and can't afford the bus fare to go anywhere. I've lost touch with most of my old friends because they are all at uni enjoying themselves and we just donthave anything in common anymore.

Anyway, I'm starting to really resent DP because he can go out with his friends and basically I think I'm just jealous that he has a life outside these 4 walls away from DD where as I don't. I've told him how I feel but I don't know what I want him to do about it exactly. I don't want to stop him going out (although he has started going out alot recently. Tonight, Friday night, part of Saturday daytime, saturday night for this week) argh I don't even know what I'm asking here.

It's seriously depressing me that this is what the rest of my life will look like. Do you think it's bad that im considering leaving? I love him so much and I don't want my DD growing up without her dad around (as I'd have to move back in with my mum over 400miles away) but I'm goig crazy up here! And starting to resent DD and DP. What should I do?

You are in control of your life and are free to make any choices that you want about it.

However, I think everyone feels isolated and left behind like this when they have had a baby and although it might not be quite so bad if you were down south or in a bigger town I don't think it would be totally different - my experience of baby groups are that they are very cliquey.

Whether you are down south or up north you will still feel left behind by your friends who are at uni.

Your dp is going out a lot too and leaving you by yourself with the baby so it would be hard for you to go out anyway. Have you spoken to him about how you feel?

Oh I see you have, is it him who says you are jealous?

Firstly, I suggest you recognise that, as you chose to have a child with your dp and move hundreds of miles away from your former home, your dd should not play any part in your resentment of a situation that you've created of your own free will.

Secondly, I would suggest that you hire a babysitter and go out with your dp tomorrow night or Saturday so that he can introduce you to his friends and their dps/dws, or ask him to invite some of them to yours for the evening.

In the longer term start saving pennies for driving lessons and look to see if you can find local part-time evening employment in a pub or similar if your dp is working during the day.

No he's hadn't said that I am. I just think I must be. I just feel so lonely.
It's not like I want to be going out drinkig every night, couldn't anyway as I'm bf'ing, it would just be nice to have coffee with someone or meetup with another mum or
Something.
I cant expect him to stay in just because I have to.

No, but there's a wide gap between feeling jealous (understandable) and expecting him to stay in because you feel you can't go out.

If he is going out all the time it could hold you back from being psychologically in a place where you could go out in the evening as well as the fact that going out that much is a little insensitive to your feelings if you feel trapped and isolated at home. This will really just make you feel a million times worse!

It is his home town, does he have any ideas about what you could do? What has he done as the one who had lived there all his life to help you settle in and get to know everyone?

As well as the fact that him going out pissing money up the wall drinking with his friends could be money better divided between you for socialising so that you could get the bus!!!

Could you cycle with a child seat now your baby is 1?

He hasn't done anything if I'm completely honest. I've never properly met any of his friends and he's never asked me to go out with him. He says I can go to his grandparents house if I'm bored during the day.
The nearest 'proper' place is 16 miles away on bendy country roads so unfortunately the bike idea is out of the question.
I could never ask him for or tell him what to do with his money though.
I'm just making excuses now aren't I? I just needed to have a rant.

OP - how about starting driving lessons? Your DP can babysit and it will allow you to do something for you, plus at the end of it you will have more freedom!

Could you do an evening class?

Can you move to a bigger town with better public transport?

It would seem he's had a dd with you, moved you both to his home town, and is continuing the carefree and childcare free existence that he led before he met you, with the exception that he now has an unpaid live-in housekeeper to cook/clean/launder for him.

Would that be an accurate summation?

I agree with izzy.

In this context I am not surprised you are giving serious consideration to cutting your losses. He is not treating you as a partner, he is treating you as an employee. You have given up your life as you knew it to suit him, what concessions has he made? It doesn't sound as if he is treating you particularly nicely.

Cj - if she doesn't have money for bus fare she sure as hell isn't going to have money for driving lessons!!!

Op - what money are you and dd actually living on?

I'm afraid I can't afford driving lessons.
I know what you're all going to think when I say this,but I actually don't have any money, i don't like asking him for any. He has his wages and tax credits.

Sorry I read that as what am I and DP living on.

Can you afford a wknd back down south to visit family and friends? Perhaps your parents could help out with train fare?

It might be good for you to be amongst loved ones? Have a break from your life up north and have a good talk about how you are feeling?

If you continue to feel like this, then you may need to sit down with DP and consider moving. More jobs down south I would think, depending on where you used to live?

But he has money to go out with his mates whenever it suits him? In other words, he regards what he earns as his rather than 'ours'?

An unpaid employee if that, offed.

I suspect the OP's putting in considerably more than a 40hr week and if she was his employee, whether paid or unpaid, he'd treat her with more consideration.

Aw hun, Are you able to get a babysitter? Go out with him for some drinks, on a regular basis? That way you'de get to know the locals, you may get chatting to other Mums at the pub?? Make friends with your OHs girlfriends?? Build friendships that way?

So you need to find some ways to have some money of your own. This will involve either having a proper discussion with your OH about how his money is no longer his alone (btw what happens when the baby needs things? Or you need, eg, a haircut?) AND/OR you need to find a way of getting your own money. Could you take a part time job in the evenings or at weekends? Or even arrange some daytime childcare (his family??).

Next you need to make some friends. Yes, get a babysitter and go out with him and his friends. Or the two of you alone. Or find an evening class (after having the discussion with him about money). Also, have you checked out your MN Local page?

If he's not willing to discuss any of these things happening then you are in a bad place and your instinct to cut your losses and go home is correct.

Indeed! Why does he get the tax credits? So you are living entirely on the child benefit? Does he give you money and send you to the shop for the food shopping?

Your relationship doesn't sound very equal and you sound like you are in a very vulnerable situation.