Can't get over foster parents abuse

[tabbycat15]

I am now 42 & I lived with them from aged 4-16.

My mum committed suicide when I was 1 my brother was 2. My dad had szophrenia & was in a mental hospital. I never had any thing to do with him & he later died.

My brother & I lived with my grandparnts until I was 4 years old. One day SS came round '& told us that we were going to Devon to see the red sand. We lived in London. It took all day to get there & we thought we were going out for the day. They took is to a house & left us with some people that we had to call Aunt & Uncle. SS told us that we wouldn't see our grandparents until we were 18 years old,

The foster parents had 3 children of their own. They were a Christian family, we had to go to church, read the bible, learn & resitr passages from the bible & say grace.
They hit us, told us they hated us @ made us eat good on our plates even if it made is vomit.

We were sent to school without any lunch. I ended up annorexic & now have osteoporosis.

From aged 4 I had to run a hot bath & wash myself on my own. Had to clean the bathroom every morning & change sheets on my bed every day.

They used to buy their own kids Xmas & birthday presents & my brother & I had nothing.

I've suffered with depression & annorexia & I'm on AD's long term. I have has lots of counselling & psychotherapy but nothing seems to help. Everyday there is always something to remind me.

I just don't know how to get over it.

I'm sending you lots of (((hugs))), honey.

I'm appalled but not surprised at the insensitive way in which you were removed from all that you knew to live with strangers who chose to abuse you and brother in such a callous manner.

Are you in contact with your brother? Have either/both of you given any consideration to reporting the abuse you suffered to the police especially as, even if they're getting on in years, these foster carers may still be fostering and, if they're not, they should be called to account for their actions.

Your local police Child Protection Unit will take your allegations seriously and will investigate to see if other foster children have made complaints about this couple.

There are some events in our lives that we can never 'get over'. The most we can hope for is to reach some accomodation that enables us to become all that we can be without traumatic memories from the past having an unduly negative impact our present and our future.

You may find that EFT (emotional free technique) can help you 'let go' of some of the feelings that constantly remind you of the past. If you go to youtube and search 'Brad Yates' you'll see a number of titles to choose from. Click on the topic that you are drawn to and repeat Brad's words while copying his actions.

The process takes a matter of minutes and there's no limit to how often or how many times you choose to engage in youtube EFT sessions or the number of topics you choose in any one period you spend on your computer.

When I have a particularly challenging day ahead I click on 'Tap of the Morning' and 'Tap of the Evening' helps me release any stresses that have accumulated during the day.

Zazen, which is a Japanese 'sitting' meditation, has enabled me to reach the understanding that we are not our thoughts, and that we a lot more than our thoughts would have us believe.

I've also found that solo sports activities such as fencing and shooting (targets and clay pigeons as opposed to people ) require me to focus my thoughts in the moment rather than having them range all over the place with the possibility that unwelcome memories may come unbidden into my mind.

Once you are able to control and direct your thoughts anything is possible - including miracles.

Are you married/have a partner and do you have dc of your own?

Thanks for replying.
I'm not in contact with them since the day I left.

When I finished school my brother & I went to live with our grandparents. We lived with them for a few months. My grandad had diabetes & had his legs amputated. He was also blind from glaucoma. We had to bathe him & care for him as SS said there was able people in the house. The only way to get help was for my brother & I to move out. I worked 2 jobs & studied full time for 3 years. I was 16 years old & had to worry about paying rent & bills. It was very hard.

SS never believed us when we told them what the foster parents were like. I was told to shut up & not cry.

I live in Australia now. My brother is emigrating next year. We are very close like twins.

I have been married for 20 years. I have 3 children aged 19, 9 & 6. I do find I am very protective of them & want them to have things that I didn't have.

I shall look into what you have suggested. Thank you.

That is so sad on so many levels.
I dont know if there any fostered adult support groups in Australia,because it sounds like you could do with one,or even help set up one,maybe an online one.Dont know if they exist in Britain or not.
One of the places I might sometimes suggest is the Church,but I imagine that might be one of the last places you might seek.

I'm so very pleased that you've remained close to your db and that he'll be moving nearer to you soon.

I would imagine that living so far away from the UK has in some ways intensified your more than ample store of negative thoughts/feelings/memories and makes you perhaps feel more alone in the world than you are in reality.

Given your early experiences, of course you have been protective of your dc and I have no doubt that you given them the love, care, and opportunities that you were denied through no fault of your own.

Is your db older or younger than yourself? Is he similarly disaffected by the 12 years you spent with hateful and hurtful adults and that you were then burdened by responsibilties that shouldn't have been placed on your young shoulders or has he found a way to, effectively, put the past behind him?

Is he married with dc too?

Thank you. I don't know if there are any support groups. I think counselling & psychotherapy is what my Dr has referred me to. I just find that I tell them everything. They just seem to nod. No one tells me how to deal with things then I seem to reach a dead end. I've just had a year of seeing a psychologist but it just ends up being like a chat & I don't get anything out of the session.

I don't think I'll bother with a church, it had put me off after having it in my face for so long.

Thanks my brother is 1 year older than me. He also has had m/h problems too. He isn't married. He has a g/f that lives in Japan. I'm not sure if she will come to live here when he emigrates.

My heart goes out to you, tabby. I so much wish that I'd been given the gift and the privilege of fostering you and your brother when you were so small and defenceless and most in need of the kindness of strangers.

You've got a lot of negative baggage to rid yourself of and I hope you understand that the deep dark reservoir of feelings of abandonment, worthlessness, hopelessness, helplessness, and myriad other negative emotions that have the ability to run you ragged many years after you've managed to create a good life for you and yours, has been put on you by others and none of it has been accumulated because of any failings in 'YOU', the 'you' being 'tabby', the child and young girl you were.

It occurs to me that you may benefit from a more proactive method of psychotherapy; one in which you explore a particular area/time period of your past and the feeling this search invokes, and are given some 'homework' to undertake before your next session.

It also occurs to me that it may benefit you to report the abuse you suffered to the police as, although it will inevitably cause you to revist the past in more detail than you may feel you are able to cope with at the present time, it could be a valuable exercise in aiding you to draw a line in the sand, so to speak.

Although you are many thousands of miles away from the UK, I see no reason why the police in Australia should take your report any less seriously than it would be taken in the country where the criminal offences that your foster carers perpetrated against you and your db took place.

I have a relative who is familiar with, and active in, Australian law and, without revealing any aspect of your post or this site or reason why I am seeking information, I intend to 'pick her brains' as the saying has it over the course of this coming weekend and I will come back to your thread with what I hope wlll be information that may be of use to you.

. ;

Thank you Izzyizin.

I wouldn't know where to start with the police. My foster parents would be over 80 now or might even be dead. I know they don't live at the same address anymore but I don't know where they would have moved too.
SS were useless & I don't know what can really be gained by trying to report it now. They weren't interested at the time.

I just think I need to find the right therapy. I will be seeing my psychiatrist in Oct so I will see what he suggests.

Thank you.

I have no advice but just wanted to say I'm saying a prayer for you,and am firm believer in what goes around comes around( sorry for being trite am amazed you are this far in life after what you have been through)xx

Thanks Beeny.

Oh you poor darling, I feel quite tearful reading about your suffering. I'm sorry I don't have any advice but it is absolutely no surprise you struggle with depression, and frankly I congratulate you for surviving. Please accept all the support and kindness on offer. Be very gentle with yourself (ensure you get sleep, good food, exercise, time alone, time with nice people etc) as your poor soul has a lot of healing to do xx

Thanks Dysfuntionalme. I will ask my psychiatrist when I next see him if there is any other therapy that I can try. I just don't know how to move forward.

I always feel that I'm not good enough & that I don't deserve to have anything. I work so hard but it's never enough. I have my own mobile beauty business & I work for a skin care company part time as well. I still go without having things as there is always other things to pay for. It does make me sad as I never have anything nice.

I don't really know either, I wonder if it might help for you to make a little list of things you consider luxurious (whether it is time alone or a trip to the beach or eating out) and try to introduce them to your life, even say at the rate of once a week. Make a commitment to yourself in a matter of fact manner and do it. Let yourself feel enjoyment for just an hour at a time so you can introduce yourself to some happier feelings. Break it down into manageable chunks rather than challenging yourself to change your psyche all at once. I'm sorry if this comes across as garbled nonsense.

Just to say i work as a lawyer and deal with cruelty and neglect cases you are amazing to have come so far.

I am a foster carer and am so sad to hear about your experiences. I, too, wish I could have cared for you and your brother and shown you love and affection and helped you have a happy life.

How are you today tabbycat. Would it help at all to talk more about your day to day life?

I couldn't just read and run.

You've been given amazing advice on this thread, and I particularly love how one mumsnetter wishes you would have been her foster child.

OP I can't given you any advice because I can't, but I just want you to know that there are people like me who care about you x

Thank you Bonnie, Beeny & Goldship I do appreciate your replies & kind words.
Thank you Dysfunctionalme for asking after me.
I feel quite low at the moment but my medication takes the edge of so I can cope. I am doing ok with eating but as soon as my mood drops or I'm very stressed then my defense mechanism kicks in & I don't eat.

We have no other family here in Australia which is hard but we just have to manage.

I'm seeing my psychiatrist at the end of Nov so I will mention the DBT to him. I just feel that whoever I've seen before just listen & nod but they don't do any actual work with me so I never really feel that it helps.

Have you considered that, having two parents with serious mental health issues, your cards were marked way before you were left with abusive foster-parents? And that, even though you clearly suffer with various mental health issues today, you're actually far more resilient and stong than you give yourself credit for?

I don't see 'negative baggage' here. What I'm taking from your story is a 'damaged survivor'... which is actually something to be incredibly proud of. You could have so easily succumbed to mental illness the way your parents did. You could have dropped out or gone off the rails at the stage when you were caring for your grandparents but you soldiered on, holding down jobs etc. And now you have a lovely family of your own that, through your efforts, are not exhibiting any pyschological problems (I'm guessing), and you've done that incredibly rare thing in dysfunctional families which is to stop the rot, break the cycle.

I've no idea how you move past the experiences you've had but just wanted to encourage you to see the positives in your story and be kind to yourself. Like a metaphorical Polar Explorer, you've fought the grizzly bears, crossed the ravines and now you're battling through the blizzards with a couple of toes missing .... but you're no bloody quitter.

Hats off from me. Hope you find the peace you seek.

Thank you CogitoergoSometimes.

I know I should look back at what I've achieved but all I see is one big struggle. I've always had to stand on my own 2 feet as there has been no one else. I feel that whatever I do & how ever hard I work it's never enough. I still have to go without & not have nice things. I've never let dh buy me any presents as I feel like I don't deserve to have anything,

I try & tell myself that things could be worse, one of us could have cancer or I could have a disabled child but it doesn't make me feel any better.

We emigrated to Australia & lived here for a year. We returned to the UK but realised we were better off here here so we came back 6mths later. We lost a lot of money with the exchange rate & other things. We now have a huge mortgage & other debt. If we hadn't have gone back we would be mortgage free now & I wouldn't have to work. I have to work 2 jobs, working most weekends & public hols & I hardly ever see dh or my children.

I just feel that I always have it hard & never get a break. It seems that I just have to face the fact that this is how my life is & it will never change. Everyday there is always something to remind me off my childhood & I can't let it go.

Life is generally one big struggle. No-one will have had your precise experience but lots of people have to grow up fast, work hard for everything they get and, if you're the responsible type and you have integrity, you take it on the chin, roll up your sleeves and get on with it. There's another type of person of course that dodges the responsibility, lets others pick up the slack and generally freeloads their whole life. You'll never be that person... but that's just the way you are rather than some kind of failing.

My friend (who often sounds like a refugee from Clinton Cards) has a lot of cheesy sayings. The one she'd give you right now is 'take time to smell the roses'. Even when you're working 2 jobs, weekends and battling against the odds physically/mentally, there is a lot to be said for occasionally taking a breather, finding something positive to lift your mood - even if it's just the scent of a rose. Create a mental break even if you can't take a physical one.