Rigid male brain, or twunt?

[wickerman]

I have had a really vile flu for the past week. It has completely wiped me out. I have had temp of 104, shakes, vomiting, hallucinations, chest pain, throat pain, stomach pain, muscle aches, snotfest, etc.
My bf has completely failed to call, message, visit, or anything me since he saw me 4 days ago.
I gently quizzed him on this this morning - feeling a little better and hence able to give a shit - and he said he hadn't thought to call as he had been wrapped up in a recording project.
Whenever he does things like this, I just think he's badly brought up and selfish. I have a demanding job, two kids, one with sn and two very sick other relatives, and I manage to keep in touch with everyone. If they are sick or in need then I prioritise them further. I don't always want to, and it's not always easy, but I do it. And when he's been sick I've always gone the extra mile to make sure he's ok.
This makes me sound like some martyrish martha stewart character. I'm not. much prefer having fun and being creative than being responsible. But, I'm an adult, so I do it.
So my question is this. Do you, mumsnetters, believe there is ANY reason to cut him some slack? DOES he get so wrapped up in his projects that he actually cognitively forgets that he has a sick girlfriend? Is that, in your opinion, an ACTUAL male thing? Would any of you female mumsnetters behave in the same way if you had a sick bf who was also a single father?
I'm actually not angry with him at all, because I don't NEED him to call me or message me or anything, but I have been feeling really dark and ill and and I'm curious as to why I kind of plain slipped his mind.
I'm also a feminist and am skeptical about gender essentialism in the brain, so I'm really, just, kind of fascinated at HOW different we are on things like this - focus, and responsibility.

spookytoo Thu 13-Sep-12 17:41:18
Onemorechap, this is like my DH, in fact he doesn't ring siblings at all unless something crops up.

Nah, about every month.

I do feel it's selfish behaviour but that's how men are in these instances, I mean I know no men who send birthday cards except possibly to their DMs. ARe they selfish twunts or is this normal male behaviour.

Don't know!
I send cards to DM, DW, and DC if they are in the UK around their birthday.
I buy presents for the above and elderly aunts/uncle who I've stayed in contact forever with.

I do send siblings whisky if it's a 30th/40th/50th birthday.

Can I add that someone calling or texting regularly when I am ill to say 'how are you' 'chin up' or whatever could extremely piss me off. I mean if someone DOES something eg calls round with a meal or pops in to make you a cuppa, then that's kind and thoughtful but regular glib txts are pretty meaningless imo.
4 days IS too long though and I would tell him that I was hurt that I didn't cross his mind and that I might have needed some help.

I am very at the idea of my two sons having to be reminded to ring me when I am old. However one of my brothers is like this and wouldn't even ring mum when she was I'll until his wife got angry. I don't think it's anything to be proud or even self-deprecating about.

Ill not I'll bloody iPhone etc

See I don't think it matters what other people would consider the bottom line. It matters only what is your bottom line.

Me personally, I wouldn't be calling a non-living together bf a twunt if he didn't check on me when I was sick. Especially when you say you wouldn't want his help anyway, that smacks of "she hasn't called me, well I'm not calling her" to be honest. If I needed help or sympathy I'd just call him.

However if this is what you want him to do and it is important to you that is perfectly reasonable. It doesn't need to be important to me. I think however that you need to explain to him how you felt and why so he knows what you need from him in a relationship.

Katisha I'll ring my mum every week; I also go and see her every week.

Would that I got so many calls and visits from mum/dad as a child...

DW things 2-3 calls a week is appropriate to a parent. I don't. She reminds me. Sometimes I ring. Sometimes I don't.

Don't think it is either rigid make brain or twunt btw.

Ha! He not she!

I also don't think it is all that selfish. I would just see it as a sign of having separate lives. If you don't live together or have children together then your responsibilities are not shared, you were sick and didn't ask him about his project, he was busy and didn't ask you about your sickness. If there is temporary personal stress people in relationships without shared responsibilities often withdraw temporarily in order to focus on that stressful period I think.

This stuff about getting out of responsibility I think is, well, crap. If his reasons are honest then maybe he's huffing privately about you not asking over his work. Who knows?!

But what do you need him to do and why are you hurt by this? You need to work that out and speak to him. Don't hang draw and quarter him without his knowledge if he is a great guy.

And don't let yourself believe that treating him as you would like him to treat you is a replacement for talking about what you want and need from him. Also don't try and give more to the relationship than you can and end up resenting your effort and feeling under appreciated. If he can't give you what you want and need (it doesn't matter if other people think it is reasonable or unreasonable) then maybe it is time to move on? You shouldn't have to tailor yourself to what is sensible too much, how you feel is how you feel but calling him a twunt I think is a bit far!!!

Blimey, if you can come up with "gender essentialism in the brain" on flu, you're so far out of my league I couldn't possibly advise! Thanks for new expression; duly learned :)

What Offred says, basically. What matters is what you need & want. I empathise with being tough and stoical. Unlike me, you seem to be aware it's not clever to value stoicism above needing TLC; I want to validate that for you.

It is absolutely not unreasonable to want some 'strokes' while you're unwell (and when you're healthy!) If you're looking at this as a long-term relationship, I fear it's telling you he'll be around for the good times not the bad. So it's back to honesty with self about needs.

Get well soon :)

Wicker you sound lovely and capable and stoical and that is a problem! You have lived with a workaholic and accepted being put second to his work. Now you are accepting it again. It leads to resentment and bitterness eventually and corrodes relationships.
You need to channel a bit of your inner diva. How would Joan Collins behave if she was ill? How would a doting boyfriend behave towards you?

I had 28 years with a selfish career man until I saw the light and left. Now I have a lovely considerate man who thinks about me and my needs and phones his family, sends cards and is thoughtful to everybody. They do exist!

There is a book often recommended on here called Wifework which discusses this issue at length and ought to be compulsory reading for teenage girls.