Finally seen the light after years of abuse

[MissJayTea]

Sorry, name change.

I have posted on here many times over the years under many names about h.

His behaviour has contributed greatly to my many mental problems which mean I'm currently dosed to the max with various medications.

He has emotionally and psychically abused me for years. He has sexually assaulted me as I've slept and gas lighted me too. still I've stayed for the kids.

But dd1 (his step daughter) is a teenager now and these past few weeks I've felt his behaviour towards her shift. I confronted him last night and he eventually confirmed that his feelings towards her border on inappropriate.

I slept in the dd's bedroom last night and will do so until he has gone.

I absolutely need him gone ASAP and told him this last night. He has tennants in his house and will give them notice today.

I don't work and am financially dependant on him. I don't know how to claim benefits.

I have no family or friends to turn to at all any more.

I need support please. I don't know what I should do today beyond getting a shower in a mo. I feel sick and frightened and alone.

I phoned GP this morning and have an appointment at half 4 as I'm having panic attacks. I also just emailed home start.

Please tell me what I need to do

Thank you all so much for being here. You have no idea how grateful I am. Going to try and sleep now. That's day 1 over with. Night all.

What you have done deserves a medal!

You have let no one down but you have saved you dc from a possible life of hell. It takes amazing strength and courage to do what you did.

Life will get so much better for you all. A weight will be lifted form you as your life can get back to normal without being abused by this evil bully. It may be hard on benefits fo a while but you can manage and with careful planning can be ok.

You have done the hardest bit already and though it may not seem like it you will survive and you and your family will grow and blossom now you are free.

good luck. stay strong.

Beyond devestated this morning. He has gone, I'm glad of that but I still love the memory of him, the person he was before he turned into an abuser.

I know that feeling. You're allowed to grieve for that person you once loved. Even if you feel weak and despairing now, you've been able to be the mother lioness to protect your dcs. You've done so, so well.

Wow, congratulations,
one door is closed so it is only natural u r grieving the memory of yr past ,
but it is only now that you have fully closed the door on him that u truly have unlocked the potential to open the door to someone special one day

Well done! Good luck with your darlings, I hope you soon feel wonderfully proud of your decision to protect your children's and your well-being!

Oh well done you MSJT.

You are so brave to have seen this so clearly.

Keep busy this weekend. try to confide in a friend if possible, and busy yourself reorganising the house! or your bedroom at least. And get the kids to help. x

You are an inspiration actually.

Thanks for your kind words x

It's dd's birthday this weekend so I have lots to keep me busy. Have to make a cake!

I jyst cannot believe this is happening. I can't let him see any of the children unsupervised can I? Do I just let him come round here to see them or do I stop contact all together?

My GP has been really in the ball because I got a call this afternoon from my local mental health service. I have an appoinment on Tuesday with a mh nurse who can then refer me on to a councillor hopefully.

I bumped into a mum from the toddler group today and we ended up having a really lovely chat. She is coming around on Monday so we can talk more. She is also just in the process of seperating from her partner so we're both going through the same thing.

I'm so overwhelmed. My head is spinning and I keep feeling a bit faint and like I'm having an out of body experience. I think it's just a response to stress.

Do you know I actually feel like going and put a knife through the piece of shit I'm so fucking angry! Sorry, just need to get this out.

All the stuff he left here us going in binbags this weekend.

Sorry for the rediculous amount of typos.

Well done, MJT. You are so strong and decisive. You are the lioness defending her cubs! Good on you.

Well done for contacting WA. Not all of this will be relevant to you but you might find it helpful:

Relationship Breakdown and Divorce ? Advice and Links
It is useful if you can get to grips with the language of family law and procedure, and get an understanding of your rights, BEFORE you see a solicitor. If you are well prepared you will save time and money.
Children

If there are children involved, their interests will always come first. It is the children?s right to maintain a meaningful relationship with the non-resident parent (NRP) ? not the other way around. Parents have no rights, only responsibilities. Shared residence means both parties having an equal interest in the upbringing of the children. It doesn?t mean equal (50/50) parenting/contact time - children are not possessions to be ?fairly? divided between separating parents.

A divorce will not be granted where children are involved unless there are agreed arrangements for finance, and care of the children (?Statement of Arrangements for Children?). It is obviously quicker and cheaper if this can be agreed but if there is no agreement, the Court will make an Order - ?Residence and Contact? regarding children, ?Financial Order? or ?Ancillary Relief? in the case of Finance. Residence and Contact Orders are likely to be renamed Child Arrangements Orders in future. Information and links to these can be found in the Directgov link below.

Always see a specialist family lawyer!

Get word of mouth recommendations for family lawyers in your area if possible. If you have children at school, ask mums you are friendly with if they know of anyone who can make a recommendation in your area. These days there are few people who don?t know of anyone who has been through a divorce or separation ? there?s a lot of knowledge and support out there!

Many family lawyers will offer the first half hour consultation free. Make use of this. Don?t just stick with the first lawyer you find ? shop around and find someone you feel comfortable with. You may be in for a long haul, so it helps if you can find a solicitor you?re happy with.

If you can?t find any local recommendations, always see a solicitor who specialises in Family Law. You can search by area here:
www.resolution.org.uk/

You can also read good advice and find a family lawyer here:
www.divorceaid.co.uk/

Some family law solicitors publish online feedback from clients ? Google solicitors to see if you can find any recommendations or feedback.

Mediation

You will be encouraged to attend mediation. This can help by encouraging discussion about arrangements for children and finance in a structured way in a neutral setting. However, it only works if both parties are willing to reach agreement.

If there has been violence or emotional abuse, discuss this with your solicitor first. Always get legal advice, or at the very least make sure you are aware of your legal rights, before you begin mediation. This is important because while a Mediator should have knowledge of family law, and will often explain family law, they are not there to give tailored legal advice to either party - so it?s important to have that first.

Married or Living Together?

This is a key question, because if you are married, generally speaking you have greater protection when a relationship breaks down.

Legal Issues around marriage/cohabitation and relationship breakdown are explained here:
www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/relationships_e/relationships_living_together_marriage_and_civil_partnership_e/living_together_and_marriage_legal_differences.htm#Ending_a_relationship

www.advicenow.org.uk/living-together/

DirectGov advice on divorce, separation and relationship breakdown:
www.direct.gov.uk/en/Governmentcitizensandrights/Divorceseparationandrelationshipbreakdown/index.htm

Legal Rights and issues around contact are further explained here:
www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/legal.php#children_relationship_breakdown
www.maypole.org.uk/

I found these guides from law firms quite informative and easy to read ? there are others of course:

www.family-lawfirm.co.uk/uploaded/documents/Surviving-Family-Conflict-and-Divorce---2nd-edition.pdf

www.terry.co.uk/hindex.html

Finance

Before you see a family law solicitor, get hold of every single piece of financial information you have access to, and take copies or make notes. Wage slips, P60s, tax returns, employment contracts, pensions and other statements ? savings, current account and mortgages, deeds, rental leases, utility bills, council tax bills, credit statements. Are there joint assets such as a home, pensions, savings, shares?

If you have no access to financial information, or you are aware that assets are being hidden from you, then obviously you will not be able to reach agreement on finances. If there are children, as you cannot divorce without adequate arrangements being agreed on finance and children, you will have to apply for a financial order anyway. If there are no children, and you are unable to agree on finances, you will also have to apply for a financial order (follow the Direct.gov links below). This seeks financial information from both parties going back 12 months. So it is in your interests to act quickly once you have made the decision to divorce.

If you are married, the main considerations of the Family Courts where parties are unable to agree a settlement are (in no particular order of priority):

1.The welfare of any minor children from the marriage.
2.The value of jointly and individually owned property and other assets and the financial needs, obligation and responsibilities of each party.
3.Any debts or liabilities of the parties.
4.Pension arrangements for each of the parties, including future pension values and any value to each of the parties of any benefit they may lose as a result of the divorce.
5.The earnings and earning potential of each of the parties.
6.Standard of living enjoyed during the marriage.
7.The age of the parties and duration of the marriage.
8.Any physical or mental disability of either of the parties.
9.Contributions that each party may have made to the marriage, either financially or by looking after the house and/or caring for the family.

CSA maintenance calculator:
www.csacalculator.dsdni.gov.uk/calc.asp

Handy tax credits calculator:
www.hmrc.gov.uk/taxcredits/payments-entitlement/entitlement/question-how-much.htm#7

Handy 5 Minute benefit check, tax and housing benefit calculators:
www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/

Parenting issues:
www.theparentconnection.org.uk

Other Support for Women ? Children, Housing, Domestic Violence
www.womensaid.org.uk/ and refuge.org.uk/ - Helpline 0808 2000 247
www.ncdv.org.uk/ - Helpline 0844 8044 999
www.gingerbread.org.uk/ - Helpline 0808 802 0925
www.maypole.org.uk/
Housing www.england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/families_and_relationships/relationship_breakdown
(Note that there is usually an appropriate link on these websites for England, Wales and Scotland where the law, advice and contact information may differ.

Contact ? if you can?t agree...
If you cannot reach agreement between you on contact arrangements - either during a divorce or during discussions about revising contact arrangements, an application for a Residence and Contact Order may be made to the Family Court by either parent.
It is important to note that each case is judged on its own circumstances. The Judge may direct Cafcass to investigate the issues and decide which are relevant for the court to decide. The Cafcass officer will investigate within the framework of the Children Act 1989, taking these factors into account:
(a) the ascertainable wishes and feelings of the child concerned (considered in the light of age and understanding);
(b) physical, emotional and educational needs of the child;
(c) the likely effect on the child of any change in his circumstances;
(d) the age, sex, background of the child and any characteristics of his which the court considers relevant;
(e) any harm which the child has suffered or is at risk of suffering;
(f) how capable each of the parents are, and any other person in relation to whom the court considers the question to be relevant, of meeting the child?s needs;
(g) the range of powers available to the court under this Act in the proceedings in question.
This kind of consideration Cafcass will give to issues around contact can be seen from their own publication ?Time for Children?
www.cafcass.gov.uk/PDF/TimeforChildren.pdf
Amongst other helpful advice in ?Time for Children?, pages 12 and 13 set out the following in relation to children and contact issues:
Children under three may find staying contact more difficult than older children, so particular care and sensitivity is needed when making arrangements at this age

Your parenting plan must be for the benefit of your children and not about parental time-shares. If you do not focus on your children?s needs, they may feel like parcels being moved between addresses.

Your children?s wishes need taking into account. Older children have friends they want to keep and interests that are important to them. They will want parenting plans that allow for their social activities.

Children mature at different rates so do not expect your children to manage similar arrangements to others of the same age; some children are confident and independent, others are shy and clinging.

Young children may need much reassurance to be away from the place they usually see as home without getting distressed.

Younger children usually manage frequent, short periods of contact
best; older children may prefer longer, less frequent periods.

Be flexible and update your parent plan over time. As children grow older their needs and circumstances will change, so will yours.
If there is any violence, alcohol and drug misuse, or psychiatric illness in the family, the parenting plan will need to take account of this to ensure the safety of your children. In order to benefit from contact, children must be safe and need to feel safe. Occasionally the risk of harm to the child will be greater than the possible benefits of contact and it may be best for it not to happen at all or to take place where risks to the child and possibly a parent can be kept to the minimum.

Here are some examples of contact arrangements which cater for the age and needs of of the child:
Baby: a couple of hours each Saturday morning,

Young toddler: a day each weekend: with very young children who have a short memory span frequent shorter contact is better than longer periods further apart

Young children: alternate weekends with one night overnight and maybe an evening each week

Older children: alternate weekends with overnight contact, maybe from Friday night to Sunday night; there could be additionally one night overnight contact a week; some parents agree Thursday nights, which would then provide a continuous long weekend every other weekend.

11 and up: often have sport or other weekend activities and contact must be planned around those. The court will not force a teenager over 14 to have contact with the other parent and at least from the age of about 12 the court takes the child?s wishes strongly into account.

Holiday contact during school holidays can be shared, but would depend again on practical issues such as the parents? working pattern and leave entitlement.
Arrangements for general and family holidays such as Christmas, other religious holidays (if they are important) and the birthdays of the child, the parents and siblings need to be agreed ? it is better if you can do this well in advance.
Special family occasions such as weddings will require some flexibility.
Contact orders or arrangements should always take into account the situation immediately beforehand. If both parents were actively involved in caring that is a different situation to one where one parent has done all the caring and the other is unknown to the child (to give an extreme example). In the first example, overnight care might be possible from the beginning. A parent who has had little to do with day-to-day care, or the reintroduction of an unknown parent will take much more gradual and careful handling. It always depends entirely on the circumstances.

Certainly don't be coy about the discussion you had which has clearly frightened you so much - with good reason.

You are well within your rights to keep him well away from your children. He clearly can't be trusted.

I think you need some professional help with this OP.

His abuse of you and potential abuse of his DD are parts of his disgusting identity that are not going to go away one day, are they?

You need to be sure that the safety of your DD is safeguarded permanently. See a solicitor and be totally upfront. You can't take the risk of an informal agreement. You all need the full protection of the court.

some fantastic help and links/advice here, lovely people wishing you a safe and happy new start with yr children! All the best with seeking legal aid/solicitor or other person for protection for yr family's safety. How is yr stepdaughter, hope she is OK? Hope you all had a lovely birthday party. All the best for the MHnurse Tues and well done!