My husband has hurt me so much why do I still love him

[Jo1985x]

Hi I'm new to this just wanted to get stuff of my chest I've been with my husband for 10 years we met when we were young , he's always been abit of a bad boy well he thinks he is :-/ we had a little girl who is coming up 6 now he was drinking a lot when I was pregnant and doin a lot of cocaine which I didn't no about until he went crazy one day he kissed our friends mum that day and came home drunk boasting about it I was so upset in which made him worse he tried to jump out the window because he " felt bad " about wot he done I was dragging him in being 8 months pregnant , after that he said he would change lol I had my little girl which was a traumatic labour 2 days, he wouldn't be there for me cos he thought labour was discusting which upset me a lot during labour in the end cos of all that happened I ended up with postnatal depression and he called me names for having it and didn't help with my daughter what so ever I did everything, then he went out one night and slept with some girl in the park (classy) and felt guilty and told me this destroyed me I felt so sick in fact it made me sick I did leave him I couldn't stand him but some how he kept on at me sayin he would never do it again he asked me to marry him and said he will join the army to prove he can change so I gave him a chance .
He ended up joining the army and we moved to Germany I was there for 4 years worst thing I ever did it was so lonely he was away a lot he went to Iraq and was taking steroids there he came back and got really drunk and started on me whilst holding my daughter he punched me in the face and pushed me around a few times I managed to get out and run to my friends the police were involved in which he made me feel bad for by sayin " no one grasses up their husband your sick" his way of controlling I suppose , I went back to England and found out I was pregnant I had no Idea wot to do he was ringing me telling me things will be different he is getting older now he won't do stupid things no more so I caved in I really wanted to be a normal family as I never had my dad around growing up I loved my husband so much I didn't no how to let go of him. In the end I had my little boy and low and behold my husband gets bored again started arguments all the time I moved back to England permanently I was tryin to get over him but he just wouldn't let me whilst all this was goin on I found out he was going to brothels with friends and paying for sex I also found out he slept with 2 German girls but yet still tryin to get back with me , because I was ignoring him he decided to get me back by gettin one of my so called friends to perform a sexual act on him they were both drunk so now I am totally crushed by it all why do I still have feelings for someone like this I should hate him I feel so stupid because I no its all so wrong and I should despise him he is still tryin to get back with me HELP any advice on moving on would be appreciated sorry to go on but I tried to cut the story short lol one more thing he is now smoking weed and left the army I think he is going mad he's into all the government conspiracy theories and illuminati stuff it's all he goes on about he reckons he can raise the children better than me bacause I apparently poison them by giving the robinsons fruit juice that has aspartame in it and the government put it in things to numb people's minds he is really crazy I feel so stuck he said if I take him to court where the kids are concerned I will see his dark side wot do I do I can't let my children go through anymore of his craziness :( x

Waw that's a big post. So much has happened.
First of all u need to change your number and cut him off. Think of your dc's. U need to protect them.
Secondly u need to get help, counselling, that type of thing. Build of your self esteem and get help to deal with this bastard man at an appropriate level cos loving someone like that is ridiculous and it isn't normal so u need help.
For your sanity sake and that of your dc's.

drugs make you paranoid, and he is on them.
you may have post natal depression, please speak to your health visitor asap.
He is not a suitable dad for your children, he may be the biological father but he is no dad.
You are better and stronger on your own. You are just scared of cutting ties. Don't be. Even if we are your only support you can come on here any time day or night and there will always be someone to talk to.
Walk away from his shit and with time your self esteem will return.
He is not an adult, but you are a great mum with a lot to offer your kids.
You don't need him, the ONE will be out there somewhere, but right now you need to focus on YOU and your kids.
Let him go. You only THINK you love him because you don't see any viable alternative.
Believe me I got to 35 before i realised that, hey, its OK to be single. Do not base your self worth on him. You are worth a million times more.
Yes it will be hard but you will come out the other end stronger and wiser.
Hold your head up high and say I raise MY kids and that is a job no one else can do.
You are worth way more than that. Its not love. Love is a 2 way thing.

First I would say that you need to change your number, email etc and stop talking to him. You are right, your children do not need any more madness from him.

Second, if you don't already have a solicitor, get one. One that specialises n family law and let them help you. Tell them everything he has done/threatened. Keep a record of everything texts, emails etc

Also, you need to get yourself some help, some counselling. he has really knocked you down and you just need some help to build your self-esteem back up again. You have done the right thing in removing yourself and your children from an abusive, violent twunt

It seems to me that you've already seen his dark side.

Why would you be taking him to Court in respect of the dc? Is he paying child support?

If you refuse contact he will have no alternative but to take you to Court if he wishes to see the dc, at which time you can raise your concerns about his drink/drug problems and it's probable that he'll be required to take drug tests and prove he's clean before he's granted access to the dc in the supervised environment of a contact centre.

You're best advised to petition for divorce on the ground of his unreasonable behaviour and if he attempts to threaten/harass/intimidate you call the police and apply for a non-molestation Order.

To get rl support, locate the number of your local Women's Aid service here www.womensaid.org.uk and give them a call tomorrow. Tell them your story and ask them to recommend a solicitor who specialises in divorce and family law. Get divorce proceedings underway now because the rules on entitlement to legal aid will undergo considerable change early next year.

As for ceasing to love this abusive knob man, recognise that to some extent you'll always feel some affection for him simply because he's the father of your children, but take a look at their faces and remember his face when he punched you while you were holding your dd and on other occasions.

Is a man who did that you one you can love, or one who is worthy of your love, in the full sense of the word? You and your dc deserve a lot more.

I am in total agreement with all the posts, but I do think this man is mentally ill, possibly psychotic (as in being out of touch with reality) and could therefore be dangerous. He needs to get medical help but i doubt that he will.

I think you should register your concerns with the police and advise them that he could by psychotic and you are afraid for you and the children. OK they can't do anything until a crime has been committed, but there have been a few cases recently where women have contacted the police several times about this kind of thing and they have not taken action, and the worst has happened, so they may be taking these kinds of concerns more seriously now.

I can't work out whether you are living together or not. If not, does he have contact with the children, and do you think the children are safe with him. It doesn't sound like it to me. As others have said if you stop contact he will have to take you to court and then you can give your reasons for stopping contact. The safety of the children must come first.

I totally agree with the poster who suggested you call Women's Aid for advice/support. They are used to hearing these kinds of things all the time.

Gosh. I have no idea why you still love him. He's dangerous, drug-addled and a menace to you, your children and probably society as a whole.

What exactly do you see in him that's "good"? Anything at all? Or are you just addicted to his style of drama?

Have you been STI tested? In addition to all the above I would do that as a priority to.

*too

You must detach from this man before he destroys you and your children

You can't leave him because you are addicted to him. Have a look at CoDA - codependents anonymous. It certainly helped me to address my addiction to my very abusive husband. It is very common that people are addicted to the abuse/the addicted partner. Sounds mad but very common and I put my hand up to that.

As you are in the UK, get along to the nearest Freedom Programme - click the 'Search' button to find your nearest group. You will meet women in the same position as you who find it hard to leave an abusive man. It may sound cheesey but the fact that your dad wasn't around when you were growing up probably has a lot to do with why you are addicted to your H. The Freedom Programme addresses the various ways these men encourage our addiction and in a structured programme looks at some of their tactics, supporting you to get free.

womens Aid is a brilliant port of call - 0808 2000 247 (24/7 supportline - call between 7am - 7pm as the lines are very busy during the day) who will support you emotionally, practically, legally to take steps to get this monster our of your life. yy he's lovely when he's lovely but you can't risk having him in you and your childrens' lives any more if he does things like punch you in the face when you are holding a baby.

when you took him back you were sending the message that what he had done before was acceptable - that's how he sees it. He won't change. Abusive men are good at making promises because they know exactly what you want but won't give it.

He is now psychotic and you must inform the relevant authorities that he is on the loose in your life eg Womens Aid, the police. You must get you and your children protected and do whatever it takes. If you continue to take him back, social services will take your children - it's as simple as that. they've seen it all before - women addicted to abusive men - but their job is to protect the children. Womens Aid and the Freedom Programme will support you to take steps to get him out of your life and to address your addiction to him. A counsellor at some stage will help you to look at how you have become addicted to someone who most people would run a mile from. As I said, I was like that and countless people are, so don't feel ashamed, but do be proactive to protect your children first and foremost but also, of course, to protect you and get you on a more healthy footing.

Good luck, plenty of us have done it (got away) and lived to tell the tale.

I think he has done quite a good job of destroying your confidence and self esteem, this is why you find it hard. You need to get away from him properly for your own safety and that of your children. Contact Women's Aid and get the help and advice you need.
It is either his drug use or mental illness making him behave this way, either or both make him potentially dangerous. You have to get some distance between you.
Further down the line you will meet someone who treats you properly and see that he is not loving you but controlling you. Don't take any risks OP.

Please realise, you can't fix him . Not because you're not good enough, that doesn't come into it. You can't fix someone who you have a personal relationship with. This is a job for professionals, if and when he ever agrees to get help for himself. Meanwhile your most important job is to take care of yourself and your children. Even if it hurts, even if you miss him. Your children need a good example from the adults in their lives. Get on with making their home as sane and stable as you possibly can. Maybe one day your husband will see what he's missing, get help and come back, or maybe he won't, but meanwhile, being dragged down into hell with him is not going to help him at all.