Could you help me support my friend?

[ticklemyboobsofsteel]

Hello lovely ladies.

I just wondered if I could ask for some advice from you all. I have just had my best friend since school come round unexpectedly ? she has separated from her husband. He has told her he hasn?t been happy for months, that he doesn?t want to ?hang around? with her any more, and that he doesn?t love her anymore. He has said ?we?ll separate and see how it goes?. But he?s been looking up things about divorce and my DH believes he?s doing it the coward?s way by suggesting a separation when he?s really made his decision to check out. (Just as a bit of background, her DH is very self-centred, a right twat, and I think she'll be much better off without him - but I've not said this to her as I don't know it would help just yet.)

I just wanted to make sure I support her in the correct way. She is sleeping on a sofa at her parents? house at the moment. I?ve told her that she should get back to her house and make him find a sofa to crash on ? it was his choice to separate, not hers. Plus they have a nearly two-year-old boy and feel he needs his mum in the family home. I hope that was the right advice to give. I don?t see why he should get to stay there while he makes up his mind.

She is so low on confidence and I want to help boost her, but aware that she may just prefer a hand to hold and someone to vent at for a while. She?s worrying me, as I think she is clinging a little to the fact that it?s only a ?separation? even though she said she thinks that really he has made his mind up. I so want to minimise her hurt. I wish, if it?s going to happen, he had to balls to just tell her now, rather than dangle a thread of reconciliation that actually doesn't exist.

I?m sorry if this is a bit garbled. I love my friend and we?re like little girls again when we see each other (sadly not enough since we both got married and had families). Any advice on how I can best support her through this?

Oh gawd. Please excuse the bloody '?'s everywhere... stupid preview...

Unless your friend is singularly uncomfortable at her dps home, I would suggest that before she goes back to the marital home she consults a solicitor who specialises in divorce and family law and who offers a free half an hour initial consultation.

Your nearest Women's Aid office may be able to recommend shit hot lawyers who are familiar with the stunts pulled, and false claims made, by self-entitled twats such as the one your friend has the misfortune to marry - locate your nearest branch here: www.womensaid.org.uk

In additon Rights of Women have a legal helpline staffed by women solicitors/barristers here www.rightsofwomen.org.uk who may also be able to put some lead in your friend's pencil give your friend the confidence to tell her h how it's going to be instead of letting him dictate terms.

Tell your friend to trust her instincts. Her h made his mind up some time ago and, as he's way ahead of the game, she needs to play catch up and sandbag overtake the fucker him.

It's more than likely he's got an ow and maybe the thought that, if she rolls over for him by moving out of her home he'll be shagging in the marital bed once she has agreed to a 'separation' will galvanise her into kicking his arse into a bedsit orbit.

Having re-read your OP, are you saying that your friend is sleeping on her dps' sofa while her 2yo son remains in the marital home? If so, tell her to ACT NOW.

Thank you Izzyizin. Sorry should have been clearer - her DS is staying at the parents-in-law tonight. Further than that, she wasn't clear. I asked her if she wanted me to go with her to fetch him, but she didn't want her little one to see her so upset :(

I'll pass those links on, many thanks for them. I feel so much for her. She begged him not to go - that she'd do anything to save their marriage. But he didn't care, the bastard.

You are already being a tremendous help by just loving your friend, and being there for her.

Im wondering why she has been the one to leave the marital home, when the separation was not her idea. Perhaps she just felt the need of her parents support, after receiving such a shock. However, I think you are right to advise her to go back as quickly as possible, and keep things as "normal" as she can, for her DS. Encourage her to use Izzys links, to arm herself with as much knowledge possible.

Other than that, continue to support her in all the ways that you have been doing. I suspect it will all start to come apart - probable OW - very soon, and she will really need you then.

She said it felt weird to be in the 'family' home knowing that her family was breaking up. But a part of me has no trouble believing that he didn't even think about being the one who should leave and give her the time and space and respect to come to terms with life as potentially a single mother. I don't think he's mature enough to have even thought of that. He's a selfish pig.

Thank you ForeverAutumn I really and truly hope there isn't another woman involved. But as you say, it will all come out soon enough.

Sigh :(

The only way to get an errant spouse back into line is to act as if you don't give a damn about him. If he doesn't come crawling, faking it has been known to make it as the realisation dawns that it's their loss not yours.