Feel h is pulling away from me. What should I do?

[onthecausemustgo]

H and I have gone through a bad patch recently and had a good chat last week and - I thought - sorted things out.

It's been a bit of a rough time with ds1 and his exams and tensions are running high because of money worries but every time I try to talk him through why he is in a sullen uncommunicative mood he just goes away and sulks for a few days and has too much beer.

I have just realised he never asks how I am or tries to comfort me about anything that is on my mind, I've always had to deal with it myself.

I still love him, I am still very attracted to him, we have a good sex life. I don't think there's an ow but it is on my mind.

So is this it? Am I ever going to be able to stop the cycle of him clamming up?

Probably not...I assume if ds1 had had exams he is perhaps a teenager (GCSE - A Levels?) or that at least you haven't been with DH for a year or two. And presumably he has always been like this. Have you read 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus'? I don't know how useful or accurate it is - it's a bit American for my tastes, all about opening up and having earnest discussions with each other - but it does at least try and explain that a lot of men just wall themselves off when they have a problem. Women want to talk everything through and men just want leaving alone to sort themselves out. I would think he is probably too set in his ways to change, but you could try reading the book and see if it helps.

NONONO! Do NOT read that fucking book, it is absolute bullshit and will not help you at all. Its message is basically 'Women, suck it up, stop whining and open your legs more often, men are just naturally more important than you are'.

Tell your H that you are unhappy enough to consider leaving him, and that you want to resolve the problems between you.Ask him what three things he would like to change about the relationship, tell him what three things you would like to change, listen to each other and see what kind of compromise you can work out that suits you both.

SGB an (albeit ironic) chuckle at your description of 'that book'

I have read the book many moons ago, funnily enough it came to mind this morning.

I think you are right sowornout it does seem like whenever there's a problem he just wants to be left alone.

I have discussed this with h before sgb and i just get monosyllabic answers like "ok" or "sure" he simply will not engage whatsoever when he is like this. Then when he comes out the mood he agrees he won't behave like that in future - until the next cycle starts a few days later!

What SGB said about that book.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What keeps you within this?.

Another Book is "Why Women Talk and Men Walk".How to improve your relationship without Discussing It"
The title is a bit misleading,but basically says that men dont like talking about what is wrong because they then feel ashamed. So the book gives helps and tips to get around this.

Some people prefer to talk and analyse their relationships and their interactions, some peoplewould rather run away, or don't see that there's a problem.

Neither of these attitudes is inherently wrong: it's as hard to live with someone who won't stop talking about feelings as it is to live with someone who would rather fix stuff or cook you dinner than discuss emotions in detail when you are the other type. Look at how people behave towards you rather than what they say or don't say.

ANY book or course or class that suggests this is some kind of natural gender divide is a crock of shit.

I usually like your post SGB and haven't come across you for a while but I have to disagree with you on this one. I think that in the main, women are far more likely to discuss their emotions with friends and want to "talk things through" with their H or P. Conversely I think most men would walk over broken glass before discussing their emotions.

I am not apportioning blame. I just think it starts right from when we are very young, and little girls talk to each other about their families, school, etc and boys do "herdy" things like playing football.

Sorry OP this isn't helping you. I don't actually believe that men can meet our emotional needs - I don't think they are capable of it (I know there are exceptions) Once I had acepted that life became easier because I stopped expecting it and got my emotional needs met by close women friends.

Your man sounds like he "stonewalls" you and this is I am sure very frustrating. So many women say they still LOVE their men even when their needs are not being met. Maybe they do, but I just think love is an emotion like any other and comes and goes. Now you are worrying he has AW and this is going to cause you more upset - oh why is life so bloody complicated. Sorry it's late and I'm rambling.